Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLI

Also, T, why would I email you during your vacation with a joke? You know I worry about bothering you...

Maybe C will let me act out without snitching for once. I just need to take the edge off before I combust.

Why did you have to say you would be there?

Not sure if I'm ready to see you tomorrow. Trigger for SH

The ex says that his therapist told him I'd said something that I didn't actually say when I met with the t alone. Which means that either the t forgot (giving him the benefit of the doubt) he'd told me that he wouldn't tell the ex what I said in that meeting. OR we're playing round umpteen of "The therapist said..."

Meh. Whatever. But I sure didn't miss that.

I realized that my real work with you didn't begin until I wasn't constantly hearing about what you really said, what you really meant, what you really thought.

Depending on how the rest of the weekend goes I may ask to come twice next week. I wonder if you will have any time available for that? I don't like starting to feel all needy of you again, though. At.all.

I thought of calling you today but I don't want to seem needy and don't want to bother you. It feels a little TMI to call you and tell you how my appointment was upsetting even though we've talked about those appointments before.

ExT I wish I could stop panicking and driving round trying to find you, old habits and all that.

I am sooooo grateful for having a day away from you on the 4th. Unfortunately Monday will be here before I know it. Ugh. I've been dreading our next appointment since Thursday. I'm sure we will have to do EMDR. Please stop the world from spinning and give me another break from you. Please go on vacation soon. Please????

I haven't felt this bad in a long time. But I already saw you twice this week so I don't want to send an email to say how bad I am feeling. I just want to hide in bed, but then that's not a good example for A. How do I help a teenager get out of bed when all I want to do is hide? And sleep...

Understanding how the situation happened doesn't make it any easier to deal with the consequences. It's helpful that you said I can email, but I'm not exactly sure what I would say at this point. The re-experiencing is the worst part.

I want to delete! Everything is horrible!

I don't think I'm fit for this world anymore. I can't even handle a short 5 day vacation. How am I going to deal with 11 days especially when you're leaving right before my trauma anniversary? I feel so pathetic right now and I just want to do something bad.

Hey,

Sent you a PM.

OMG. I so totally love you right now. How can this be?

I miss you... your hug...your love... and I'm also annoyed with you.

Dear Backup T/R,
Thanks for writing back to me, even though, as you said, you don't usually reply on weekends. Not sure how to feel about the Brene Brown video, as I'm uncertain how I feel about her in general, but guess I'll watch it?

Thanks,
LT

Dear T,
I wish I could tell you about what's really in my head right now but you're on vacation so I can't. I did reach out to backup T, and I really appreciate that she replied, but not sure the Brene Brown video she shared was that helpful. I guess it's nice and all, but not hitting me where I am right now. I miss you so much and wish I could talk to you, as I imagine a brief conversation could help resolve the thing between us right now. I guess I just need to get through the next...ugh, 39 hours is a lot. I hope that maybe you reply to my email sometime before our session, even if it's like 9 a.m. Monday.

LT

that was nice of her but I am not a BB fan myself, her voice annoys me. A lot of people love her though

t3

It's super annoying that this huge life changing thing is something only you can know about, T needs to know, not you. This is frustrating and I hate realizing that in a sense, I've replaced him with you. More anger at you right now. Enjoy lol

This is all there is.

pweez come visit my dreams tonight okay? okay. thank you.

My exam is in two days and all i can think about is you and i can't stop crying.

I spent 9 years telling you stuff that was happening in my life and I just cant suddenly stop doing that. I hope you understand saving emails to draft just isn't cutting it anymore. Neither is sending them to a fake address for you

Why can't I just leave?

It's because I want to believe that we can fix this, but I'm scared you'd refuse to see me if I skip more sessions just three weeks before you go on a 1 month holiday.

But being in therapy now is causing me so much pain. You're hurting me