Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLI

I've been coping ok, but I'm getting tired of waiting for my upcoming appt. I want to talk to you & continue with the exposure exercises.

I'm scared to talk to you about this. I have been in a bad place before but this is by far the worst. I can't help but wonder if you even going to care....I doubt it. No one else seems to.

Stay safe, dear Lemoncake. Hugs

So as part of hubby and I weekend plan of doing day trips to places we have never visited in the state yesterday we ended up at the beach in your town as well as the restaurant I tild you my college friend owns. It is gorgeous there but holy tourists from out of state.

Since we are attending church at the various places we visit this year we decided to attend mass in your area. Since there are three in your cluster it was a little anxiety provoking. What if you and your family were there?? The rational part of me knew that it would be fine. Part of me worried that I would see you veing somebody different than I think you are. Another part worried you would think I was stalking you for which I realize would likely never cross my mind if not for PC. In the end I am pretty sure you were not there.

Are you going to be there tomorrow or what

I would really like to make some kind of plan or roadmap or something for the next 2 months. I need for us to stay on some kind of track. I'm done with wandering endless rabbit holes. Let's talk about what would be the best use of my time.

I liked so very much that you said that bit about "it's just a bad habit". That made me feel control over my part of it - habits can be changed as I well know. Example: I quit my soda habit a year and a half ago! I can change this one, too.

Looking forward to Thursday.

Dear T,
Really nervous about seeing you tomorrow. Please be caring and understanding. And help me feel the connection again.
Love,
LT

You know what, I feel like a pre-teen to young teen pretending to be adult to child around all of this. The teen doesn't really know what to say to the child that has gotten so sad at missing (whatever) that they can't seem to move on past the missing

Sometimes I wish that you had died, then there would be a finality to this whole affair. As it is knowing that you are out there and still doing things just enforces the feeling of abandonment.

I need you.i am so stressed.

Are you going to be there tomorrow? Will you be pissy if I come?

Exam tomorrow and I regret messaging the other T yesterday- but .I was crying and struggling with those thoughts.

I wish you would reply to my emails, but I know you wont .

Dear T,
Just 3 hours left. Hope this torrential downpour stops before then. I have a few pages of notes. Still nervous.
Love,
LT

I'm having a pity party for myself. Worst case I just retake in August or september.

Dear T,
Thank you. Your understanding and just listening meant a lot to me. I think we're OK. Of course, you're going away again at the end of the month...
Love you,
LT

I keep thinking today, that I have really brought all of this stress upon myself. As usual. The author of my own misery. If only... well, if only Everything with a capital E. Struggling not to abhor myself.

Dear Ex-Therapist -

I need to let go of my anger towards you. I don’t think ruminating on forums is helping me. It also makes me sad to read about therapists who are more patient, empathetic and skilled than you were. The other clients I saw in passing in your waiting room looked at you like they loved you and you spoke to them gently, so maybe I’ve been the problem all along... like you implied.

Either way, it’s time to write you the letter I’ve been putting off and release you for good.

PM

Thank you so much for being nice today even if we did have to do EMDR which was miserable as always. Also, thank you for having a conflict and cancelling this coming Thursday. I really need the time for work. That takes a little stress off. Enjoy your break from me.

I'm engaging in some pretty big lies by omission right now. Sorry.

I see her tomorrow and I hope she doesn’t **** all over me like she did last week about my weight. I want to lose 25 pounds and there is no eating disorder or disordered thinking going on and I wish she would understand that. I am physically uncomfortable at the weight I am now and I am also mentally unhappy but that does not mean I have an “eating disorder” I have been given so much crap by so many other people about wanting to get down to a smaller size ever since I was considered medically obese and I just thought she’d be more understanding then the others. I just don’t want her to transfer me to some other therapist or send me to some program that I can’t afford when there’s no ****ing problem in the first place. Any suggestions on what I can do?

When you asked what I was thinking and I shrugged, the real answer was that I realized I was describing an archetype with which you would theoretically be consistent, and that you would be aware of this as well. I was trying to figure out what the difference is, because I genuinely don't have those feelings towards you. I'm pretty sure you think I do but I really really really don't. I don't know why you're not my type, you're just not. You're too safe and warm and fuzzy? I dunno. I guess I don't really see you as a masculine figure? ... but I feel weird telling you that.

Thank you for being kind to me. Thank you for listening and understanding. I just wish you could wave a magic wand and just make my pain disappear, but I know that's not how therapy works and I feel as though I may be too broken to fix at this point...

I used to always email you first after I got out of any exam, because I liked that small well done with a smiley face. Guess I'll stop doing that too.

Received an email from the legacy memorial is that today you eould turn 70. I never actually knew when you birthday ws only tht it ws about a week before my sons. Happy birthday, lady. Wish I could tell you in peraon 😭❤🎂

Treble Clef,

I didn't appreciate you taking a week off without notice. Now you are back for a week only to take another week off. Oh well, at least you only go away twice in July and not the rest of the year.

-Butterfly