Couch 201: The Transformative Grammar Couch

I see my new T this week. I told my GP I would go a few more times to see if it got better because he was so unprepared the first time. It's not his fault the clinic didnt put him in the system and he had no access to the referals and he had a doctors room so there were no comfy chairs or anything

Finished!

Thanks, NP. Glad your T's letter to you was good and that you'll talk Thursday.

So how are people today? I spent the day just recuperating from the heatwave last week. My brain was cooked. Im surprised how high anxiety i was. I was like, i dont even know what to do next.

The heat was absolutely horrible.
Anxiety has been running high for me too. I’m just rather removed because I’ve spent so much time lately looking for jobs. I’ve talked to so many people over the past few weeks that this past weekend after I got off the phone I actually vomited. H was like..it’s time to put the phone down. My head was spinning. I just totally bombed a phone call tonight. I forgot the people were going to call, I got in late from work and I wasn’t prepared. I had 2 in person interviews last week. I’m exhausted.

Probably not. I've been seeing my current T semi regularly since April. I'm only seeing her once every 2 weeks right now because I don't have insurance until September 1st. Stupid American health care system.

My anxiety was pretty high on my vacation a big chunk of the time, sadly. Driving through Phoenix going up there it was pretty bad, I was crocheting at a fever pitch to try to keep it in check, that's how I got the afghan done. Then at the Grand Canyon it was pretty bad again because of my fear of heights that narrow trail - omg no i could not walk it this time. Was too afraid of falling again so we just rode the tram around. I was okay at Walnut Canyon because we didn't go anywhere near the edge. But then the fire started yesterday and the anxiety was pretty bad again. Thankfully H took a slightly longer way home today to avoid the worst section of highway, so it wasn't too bad today.

I did enjoy Sedona on the way up there, which removed the anxiety from getting there. I thoroughly enjoyed finding and working out the puzzles in the Escape Room thing we attempted (and failed at) and I enjoyed going to the Observatory of course, but man my anxiety was so bad at the Grand Canyon and that made me really sad cuz it's one of my favorite places in AZ.

Artie is very happy to be home. We are having our first honest to goodness monsoon of 2019 right now which totally calms me as I love thunderstorms.

It won't get you a job with the current administration!

I thought you were supposed to hire a mule!

No way in hades I would EVER ride those mules on the trail!!!! The 2 summers I worked at the North Rim I saw several mule trains going down or up and they scared me silly getting so close to the edge, and I wasn't even on them. I know they are sure-footed and stuff but still... that was 30+ years ago when I didn't have such an intense fear of heights as I apparently do now, and it scared me silly then. I can't even imagine seeing them now...

Hey couchies,
Thanks again to the pocket riders. Awesome T proved his awesomeness again. He found a safe middle path between what I wanted to bring to therapy to work on today and what my protective parts felt comfortable trusting him with. At the end of session he held me in a hug for a really long time gently telling me all the things he wished infant me had gotten to experience. He held my hand the entire session because I was having a hard time staying grounded. It felt really good to have that connection there the whole time.
T brought up how often he is away and how difficult that is for clients with my needs. He feels bad that he cannot offer me a more consistent connection right now. He also warned that as we continue to progress in therapy and the relationship builds it is likely to get harder for me when he is gone before it gets easier.
I left totally exhausted but feeling very loved.

I am back to feeling deceived by my exT he could have told me what was going on. I really want to ask the new T if he can write to exT and get an apology or at least an acknowledgement that he mishandled termination.

I'm so looking forward to seeing L on Thursday. I've lots to talk about. One of the nights on our vacation we went to the bar in a haunted hotel and had drinks, and I got a wee bit tipsy, and back at our room did a final edit of my "For J" poem and made myself cry. Yeesh. I'm sad the last day of this class is tomorrow, but I'm also glad in a way.

Geology class starts a month from today. Belly Dance on Sept 5. So I have a month off school now...

If you're afraid of heights, don't drive south on the Pacific Coast Highway. Especially if you're on the passenger (west) side of the car. There are some places that are like one foot of shoulder, no guardrail and what looks like a 200 foot drop down to the ocean. Numbers may be slightly exaggerated, but it sure felt like basically no shoulder (no room for error!) and a straight shot down a high cliff. High enough that you'd have time to think about the fall. I'm sure the views would have been spectacular if I wasn't so terrified the whole time.

Oooooh... geology class... hope you plan on sharing!

I drove NORTH with my mom in 1980, and she was cursing me the whole way! I tried telling her she was on the "inside" and perfectly safe, but once she decides shes mad, shes mad. Good times!

The topic has come up in therapy recently that when he goes away and we miss sessions, especially when there's no contact, the feeling of being forgotten comes up. I brought it up before this current vacation and said I don't know where that's coming from. He said maybe it was my adoption. We didn't explore it further that day. I was adopted when I was one week old. I've often wondered through the years if my birth mother remembers me on my birthday. My birthday has always been a bittersweet affair. On one side, it's my birthday, but on the other side, it's the day my birth mother abandoned me. If you give birth to a baby do you think you would ever forget about it, even if it wasn't part of your life? I'm not a mother, so I lack that perspective.

My current job has some unsafe policies and personnel. This is why I chose to pursue a new job.

I don't love heights but I don't mind them

Late last week I got a letter from my biological fathers solicitors saying he had died and I was a beneficiary. I haven't responded because well I don't want to I don't want anything to do with him or his will. Am I being stupid? I could use the money and he isn't alive anymore to threaten me. I don't know whether to contact them and say I don't want anything to with it or just say give me money please.
I would talk about it with my exT because he knows the history around it but I can't of course.

NP, a nurse told me that she worked with elderly patients while she was getting noticeably pregnant with her first child, and even women who could not remember their grown children could retell in detail the stories of their births. It is like the experience is so primal it is cemented in a different part of memory. Likely you have been remembered and wondered about on each birthday.

I advise clients to take the bequest. You don't have to do anything with the money for awhile, just put it in the bank if you want. But not taking it doesn't hurt the deceased and it doesn't teach them a lesson or have any impact on them at all. If you decide later on you don't want the money, then give it to a charity. But at least that way you gave yourself the opportunity to make a more informed choice rather than a knee jerk reaction one.

I’ve been scarce lately, focused on trying to line up all my ducks: Papers are together. Appointments scheduled. Attorney consultations have been done. Meetings with the divorce mediator start tomorrow.

I can’t stop crying. Why? Right now, crying is ridiculous. I need to keep my head about me. I keep having bad dreams: I’m lost, people keep changing into other people, my car won’t turn the way I need to go. The other night I dreamt I had no face.

This makes no sense. I have been ready for this for a long time, and now I’m falling apart???

Thanks sensible words as always. Once they take the inheritance tax out I might not have much left.