[Mouse_]

Since I came back from my NYC trip, I became convinced my husband had become the Devil incarnate...I can't describe the hell I've been to and back mentally and emotionally...I finally asked T last week is it real or is it in my mind? T said she doubted my husband had changed that much since the trip and though his actions out there may have hooked me they proberbly weren't major and the trip and the upcoming break has been 2 triggers for me...she said I'm most proberbly acting out with Husband instead of bringing into the session re the break..I told her that this is the 4th xmas break with her and no way am I taking a step backwards and thinking about all the negatives and how I will feel...I only want to think of what I can do for myself now...T said why cant I think about both things?...I am feeling this big block of ache inside but can't name it...I'm not sure if its anger, grief, loss I just dont know, I know I am avoiding thinking...I see T tomorrow for the last time until January 7th...and part of me wants to punish her but part of me wants to protect her ....I want to cry but can't.....I dont want to feel these feelings....I wrote with both hands last night having a conversation with myself and one hand hates her for leaving me...and the other hand knows all that she does and cares about for me and understands....but the battle is hard....it feels like its killing me inside...I just want this whatever it is soooooooo bad....this whatever it is is taking the form of food binging right now and compulsive internet use and pacing and irritablity....I wish I could just curl up and feel it and cry...but I can't...I'm dead inside...T said breaks are hard for everyone...I wanted to say to her...but not for you? but I also wanted to say how are they hard for you? you won't miss me like I miss you...you won't have to keep trying to grasp a memory of me each day to get through...its not fair!!!!!!!

[Perna]

Get into your third person "above" place and do a little laughing at yourself for comfort?

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I wrote with both hands last night having a conversation with myself and one hand hates her for leaving me...and the other hand knows all that she does and cares about for me and understands....

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Or, go "beyond" that and imagine you have three hands, what would happen then?

I've mentioned before how when I'd say something negative out loud to myself at work I'd answer it positively and how one day I was arguing so badly a third Me got into the argument commenting on the idiocy of the other two and my coworker friend almost fell on the floor laughing, saying how she could put up with my arguing with myself, back and forth, but a third voice was a bit too much for her. But my absolute favorite was when my head and fingers got into an argument about whose fault a typo was. . .

One literally has to go "outside" of one's box in some way. Write a "poem"/song of some sort:

On the first Xmas break, my T said to me. . .
On the second Xmas break I decided to flee. . .
On the third Xmas break I was anyone but me. . .
On the fourth Xmas break?
On the fifth Xmas break, I hope?

[Mouse_]

After I posted here I wrote and wrote more and more and realise what I'm doing is cutting of the feelings of saddness in my heart...I'm trying to think myself out of missing T when I need to go into the feelings of missing her. I suddenly got this realisatioin of the emptyness around me, that the anger and resentment I've been feeling at everyone around me is blocking me from feeling the gap between me and T...I feel better now....by letting myself miss her I also get to remember she's coming back...where as I refuse to miss her...I dont get to feel the satisfaction of her coming back...aarrr I dont hate the xmas tree so much this afternoon now!

[Perna]

When it was getting close to termination time with my T, I got the brilliant idea of "bridges". Get from before to "after" with a bridge. If you stagger activities and have something to look forward to "after" whatever, that can keep moving you forward.

I joined a women's group that, theoretically, would still be meeting after we had terminated. I planned a major trip (you should have gone on your trip now :-) I was looking forward to for a couple months after we terminated, to Switzerland, and months before started taking German lessons with my husband, etc. Other things to focus on in the future. I retired and moved months afterwards so was busy packing and planning and furnishing a new house, getting new routines, etc. I also got an online therapist specifically for the "transition" between termination and feeling better.

My favorite bridge when my T went away over Christmas was ggetting individual little University testing booklets (they only have 7-8 pages so 14-16 in all) and writing a different one each week and mailing off to T's office, each booklet at the end of its week. But I had a couple distince habits for days when I saw T and I'd "continue" those habits (mostly related to handfuls of large Wintergreen Life Savers to eat during the long drive to/from T :-) on those days.

Do you have any patterns you've seen in other absences? Things like having more trouble "now" than after she's actually gone and the deed is done? That was an interesting/suspicious one for me to look at. Something like that could make you a little more comfortable now knowing that next week, after your "protest" doesn't work to get her to stay, you know you'll feel a bit better (or resigned). I was able to give up my protesting feelings now a bit sooner when I saw a connection like that. Knowing and being able to write out the scenario kind of takes some of the drama out of it? "And now, here's the spot where I decide my husband is the Devil incarnate. . ." it becomes a "play" and loses some of its dramatic effect and deflates a bit.

The first time my T ever went away for an extended period was one of the worst experiences in my life but I had enough "Watcher Self" to get good help from reading to "distract" myself. Of course, the themes in the books would remind me of my own problems and of T being away and it got to be almost funny to me how my mind would stray and keep working on my therapy/loss problems and how my Watcher would catch that straying. Another thing I've done is start recording all my dreams while T is away and entertained myself with their content (and "statistical" things like noticing how the night before a day when there would have been a session or the night of the day when there would have been a session, how the dreams were similar or different from one another and/or other nights both while she was away and versus when things are "normal" and we're meeting regularly).

[MissCharlotte]

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...I'm dead inside.

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Hi Mouse,

I am heading into my second holiday break from T and I really get how you feel. Yesterday I had a good session and we discussed the break and all I could say was that I hate breaks.

I know there's a well of feeling inside surrounding this but I can't access it--a self protective mechanism or a resistance? Who knows?

Later this week I'll have another session which will be the last before the break. I just don't want to deal with it and yes, I am angry that it's not hard for him. I hate inequality in relationships.

Peace