Pain/Tears

I'm sitting here and I can't stop crying. My husband and I got into it again tonight and so I told him that in a month he won't have to worry about things anymore............when I explained to him what I meant, his response was,"good, now I can have a life".

Omg, the tears won't stop, the pain won't stop. No one here in my real life cares........the things he said to me were so cruel, so awful.

I have to go, I can't see to type anymore.

Oh, {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}: Don't do it just to spite him, that's what I say. The best revenge is LIVING well, and that's what you and your son deserve to do = without him. He's projecting in a big way his own failings onto you = PLEASE DON'T LISTEN TO HIM!!!!!! You deserve so much better than this; make a plan to start a new LIFE and to heck with him = how about it?!!! Screw him!!! I am SOOOO mad!!!!! [Peanut spitting nails & cussing a blue streak]. We CARE ABOUT YOU, here, Mary Alice, so how about sticking around and show him that you can get along just fine without him = oh, gosh, I should be finding something more positive and more neutral than this, but screw him is what I say! XOXOXO!!!! Your friend, Peanut

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT :-)</font color=blue>

{{{{{{{{{Peanut}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

My eyes are so swollen from crying, my head hurts, and I can't sleep at all. My poor back and leg aren't very happy either. He told me that I am completely worthless, a freak. And he did it all in front of my son.

I took one pain med and half-way dozed off having a dream of finally ending all this pain. I know you care, which is why I am sitting here at 3:30am. The urge to just do it is so much there right now - the only thing is I don't want my son to find me in the morning. He doesn't deserve that.

Ty for being here........for caring. With my luck, another day is coming where I get to listen to his garbage because I can't provide cigs for him..........I get so tired of being beaten down and trying to get back up. It's an endless cycle of pain.

{{{{{{{hugs & kisses}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Mary Alice

Hello my friend! I think we must be on the same wavelength, somehow, because it's about 2:30a.m. where I am, and I can't sleep either, and since I was thinking about how you might be doing, I came on the computor and here is a message.

We can get you thru tonight, ((((((((((((((((((((Mary Alice))))))))))))))))))) = not only are you very important to your son, and us, but HE (your husband) isn't worth having you give up your life over his failings and cruelty. I know that he's bi-polar, but that doesn't make him cruel = he is that on his own, separate and apart from any illness.

The important thing to me right now, is you, and my very deep prayer that you will begin to see hope without having it squashed at every turn by someone elses toxic crap. It's abusive, plain & simple, and you don't have to endure that from anyone.

Mary Alice, there ARE going to be other options available for dealing with things; things/resources invariably turn up just when we're at the edge = it's just how it happens often times, and that's why we can't really predict what that saving grace will be until they arrive, and that's the really hard part I know.

I am so so sorry that you are going thru so much hardship and pain right now, but I really do believe that you will be able to come out from this on the other side into something better = really I do. Let's keep talking; I really do admire that you are sticking this out = more than you know. Let's write again tomorrow, OK, or even tonight? Respectfully, and with hugs for {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}!! Jill

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT :-)</font color=blue>

Mary Alice,
It's daytime here and I got online and read your post a couple hours ago. I had to think a bit before I could post. There is nothing for me to say to make things seem better or to make them go away but I would give anything to have that kind of power.
I feel so badly for you right now. I know you are struggling and wanting so much to give up. There are reasons why you haven't given up before and why you haven't given up yet. Please try and remember those reasons. Find anything you can. We really care for you here and don't want to lose you.
Again I have to say that your marriage to that sad excuse for a man is so draining on you. It's hard to live in a situation when you have the ultimate cruelty and abuse hovering over you every day. Please, please get yourself and your son to that crisis center and get away from that jerk. He makes you feel worthless but that is only because he himself knows he is. He doesn't know how to treat a human being. As much as you say you are used to his behavior you know that he is a major influence on you and how you feel. Only remember, he is wrong!!
Two years ago when I first moved to Norway to be with my then new husband my whole world fell apart. He freaked out about being married. This wonderful man I left everything I loved and knew to be with treated me cruely, disrepectfully. He ignored me completely. Left me alone in a strange country where I didn't know the language and had no friends or family. At first I was confused but as time went on I started to give up. I couldn't take anymore. No more crushing blows with his words, no more being alone and scared, no more hurt and no more tears. I was physically ill from what he did and mentally...well I was barely hanging on. The point of telling you this is I understand the pain you feel. The lonliness, the loss of self worth. Being scared. God I remember being scared. Being so tired you can't even find the strength anymore. I had a choice. I thought about suicide all the time. I didn't really concider any other way out. There was no way. I had a choice to live this life or to try to go back to the states somehow, a broken person and try without anything to start over. I asked someone to by me a ticket so I could visit and have a break. I had no where else to go here but into the bedroom. I went home for 2 weeks. I cried when I left. There was one person who could help me but I was told I had to go back. So I came back. I got mad. Really mad. I told him how he made me feel. HE didn't get it. I had surgery on my foot and was stuck home for 2 months. I couldn't get outside for the first 3 weeks.
I had met a girl two years before that. She seemed nice. She knew I had surgery and stopped by to have a cig with me. She saved my life. I didn't want to let her in but she kept coming. It turned out she needed a friend too. In the last year my life has changed. I am still struggling but I am not suicidal. Of course I still think about it but it isn't an option for me.
Life can change. I didn't have the option to remove myself from my abusive marriage, no one told me about crisis centers and things I could do here. You have a choice. Please get to that center and get help. It can be better. You have to do something to make it better. You have a choice, Mary Alice. It is your life. You are also responsible to your son. I am so glad you thought of him before doing anything. Show your son that he can fight. He can get thru anything. Show him that life can be different. It's up to you. One step today. Get yourself help.
I am begging you. You are so important and so worth it.
Heidu

Every path to a new understanding begins in confusion- Mason Cooley

Wow, (((Heidu))) = You sure have been thru heck & back. I'm glad for us that you made it! XO, Peanut

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT :-)</font color=blue>

Thanks for the hug Peanut. I have been thru heck, I am not fully back yet but I am still here. That was my point to Mary Alice. You can survive the depths of hell when there is nothing and no one goo din your life. It took one person to make me feel like I was worth something but I had to listen to her. I had to trust her a little. One person cared about me and showed me that there was a way. About the same time I began coming here. That helped alot. I felt worth something. I had people to talk to that cared about me and wanted to talk to me. That meant alot.
I am worried about Mary Alice. I know what it feels like. It's horrible and words cannot explain. I cried every day for my first year here. Hard cry like someone I loved died. Then the second year I basically felt nothing. Maybe anger but that was pretty controllable too.
Now I let myself feel sometimes. It's hard and it's just for little bits so I can deal with an issue and when it's behind me I try not to feel for awhile again so it doesn't get overwhelming.
Of course by not allowing myself to feel I miss out on things. I am very much " a people person" and emotional. To not feel is not me and to not want to interact with people is not me. What my husband did was shameful at best. He knows that and he is sorry but nothing can ever make up for it. Not for what I have lost. In a way I feel it is my own fault because I couldn't gotten out in those first few months but I was scared and so confused I was in a spin. After that I didn't have a chance to get out. I have never stopped trying to find a way. I look at what has happened and I realize the power a person can have over someone. I was so different before and I know that I will never be the same. I can only accept that this has happened and I can choose to move on from here. I can only do my best.
I am hoping so much today that Mary Alice gets away from that jerk. I think she will feel immediate relief. I know it won't be easy for her but if she uses the courage she has to end her life and instead uses it to go to that crisis shelter then I know things will look so much better for her.
Heidu

Every path to a new understanding begins in confusion- Mason Cooley

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

The first thing I am going to tell you hun is that you are not worthless or a freak. You have more heart and soul in your spirit than he would ever even know. Please hun...listen to us when we tell you that ok? You are suffering so much and it breaks my heart when I see what he is doing to you. You are hurting more than you will admit to us and especially to yourself. You are worth so much to so many people.

Are you close to a woman's centre/crisis centre? Please make that phone call to them. They are there to help you and they will. I think I told you before that I am on various committees with our local centre here and believe me when I tell you that they are there for you. They will help take care of you and your son. You won't have to tell your husband what you are doing - they will help and protect you. Can you tell me where you are located? US or Canada? I have so many contacts with our centre that I can help you in anyway I can ok? Please do this for you and your son. There is hope and we are here for you to help you.

Please post to let us know how you are doing...we care for you.

Hugs
Heather

<font color=blue>The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way </font color=blue>

Oh, my dear Mary Alice,

Please don't let him win! I would take your pain for you and bear it myself if I could so that you could have a break and get away from him and get your life back. You don't deserve to be treated like that. You deserve to be loved and taken care of and pampered. Your son doesn't deserve to have to be exposed to that either. He's a good boy, but if he grows up with that for an example who knows what impact and influence it will be on his life?

Right now it all feels like too much, but it won't always be this way, especially if you take the steps you need to and get away from your abuser. You are stronger than you can admit to yourself, and you can do it! We'll all help you as much as we can. I wish that I were there and could help you pack up and go someplace safe.

Love,
Wendy

<font color=blue>Life is filled with tragedy; if you let it overwhelm you, you cannot enjoy life's innocent pleasures. -Robert Heinlein</font color=blue>

Thank you for all the caring and concern. I am alive. I appreciate all the support, I am so NOT used to it.

I can't say that I am ok, because it would be a lie, but my husband has calmed down because somehow he got some cigs this morning........so everything according to him is back to normal. He has the stupidity to tell me that he loves me.......I am too tired to deal with him today, too tired to think.

xoxoxoxoxoxo

Mary Alice

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} [heart]

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT :-)</font color=blue>

I am sorry your husband is so difficult. It is people like him that make me ashamed of my sex.

Ty kvinneakt

{{{{{{{{{{{{{Mary Alic}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} I know that you don't want to end the relationship but you are talking about ending your life because it is so terrible. This sounds backwards to me. I think you should thinking about ending the relationship because you are thinking about ending your life. I know it is all so hard to deal with but lady you are a special person and you are not getting the love and support you deserve. Please consider contact a women's crisis center or something. We don't want to lose you and he is pushing you closer and closer to your goal.
Take care dear one,
Carrie

<font color=green>Not knowing when the dawn will come, I open every door.--Emily Dickenson

{{{{{{{{Carrie}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

how right you are.....take care of yourself as well. Ty for the kind words - you are very sweet.

Mary Alice

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

You are so worth all of this support, caring and concern. You are one of the first people to offer your shoulder to someone here and it is time you let us offer you our shoulders. We care and want to see you well.

Stay in touch and take care
Hugs
Heather

<font color=blue>The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way </font color=blue>

You are pretty damn strong to have coped with so much for so long. You can turn that strength a little bit from being reactive and defensive into being assertive and offensive. I don't mean fight back. I don't mean that at all. Give that up. I mean call a women's crisis number and let them help you formulate a plan of recovery. It means trekking into the unknown, but it will be quickly learned and so much better than what you have now. A fellow I used to work with was very active in women's crisis issues. He had some hard stories that had turned around with his group's help. They have the ways and means to get you safely out of your situation and into a safe new start. You have to give your local group a call and give them a chance. It will be hard, but not nearly so hard as what you are already going through. You are already tough enough to do it. You just have to take that on faith for a short time until you prove it for yourself, which you will.

Well said Kvinneakt, I couldn't agree more.
Heidu

Every path to a new understanding begins in confusion- Mason Cooley

hi, you sound an amazing person who can be there for others in spite of your life. if i was ever as strong as you i would be proud, love yourself {{{{{{{maryalice}}}}}}} xxx

Hi Saving, ty for the compliment (I'm getting better at just saying that and not arguing about it...lol). It is easy for me to care about other people when they show care for me - in terms of me caring about myself, I consider that a waste of time.

You're wonderful to respond though......thanks

Mary Alice

Mary Alice,
You said:
"in terms of me caring about myself, I consider that a waste of time."

I say: If you weren't a decent person worth being cared about INCLUDING by yourself then what would you have to offer to us here? But yet, you offer so much kindness and support. Oh and there is understanding too and I am sure much much more.
Believe in you!!!!!
Heidu


Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.
~ Carl Bard ~

I don't understand why you say it is a waste of time to care about yourself, {{{{{{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}}}}}}??!!! We care about you very much and I think that that is a very good use of my time!! Always your friend, Peanut

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT </font color=blue>