[East17]

I wish our sessions weren’t so erratic. Some weeks they are good, really good. Some weeks they are ok, what I would term as neutral, and some weeks they are just bloody awful - and I end up wondering why I’m still working with her! How can sessions with one therapist be so different?

Does anyone else have wildly different experiences with the same therapist week to week?

Previous experience of therapy (with 2 other longer-term Ts) have been more even and consistent. I don’t think I’ve ever had a situation where over a year in, I remain undecided as to whether this is the best T for me or not.

[ElectricManatee]

For a while, my therapist and my relationship with her became a trigger for me. So sometimes things would be great and she would seem like herself, and sometimes she would seem almost like a different person, much less kind and caring and much more indifferent to the pain I was experiencing with her. I don't think she was actually different as much as that my perception of her was dramatically altered when she started to stress me out.

Maybe something like that is happening?

[smileygal]

I really struggle with the idea that the perceived changes in our therapist are all because of our perception. I mean yes sometimes maybe that is the case but I do not think all of the time or even most of the time.

My T is often colder at times less empathic and alluded it to being all my perception. For a long time I went around in circles thinking it was me. I have now grown enough and more sure of myself than I was before and I KNOW that what I am picking up, sensing or perceiving (whatever way you want to say it) is based on reality that her mood in some sessions is different. Even some of the things she says on those days are things that she wouldn't say on another day where she is feeling more empathic and caring. I have so many examples I have shared with friends alongside others and they say at times she seems like two different people. (it is not that drastic and obvious in the sessions but just to say some of the things are pretty obvious she is not able to access her feelings as much that day, whatever the reason may be but yet still there are many times I doubted myself and gaslit myself.

Perhaps because of my past experiences and hypervigilence I am 'feeling' her moods more intensely than someone without trauma and attachment wounding would but there is a change in mood. I appeciate none of us are one mood all of the time so not saying that she should be the same but the difference is quite striking.

All this to say that yes some of it may be our perception but not always.Only you can really know whats happenning in your case. As we grow and heal we learn to trust ourselves and our gut more.

[LonesomeTonight]

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I've had this issue with my T, where he can be very supportive, then suddenly decide he's going to push me on something, sometimes seemingly randomly. He says it's part of his role to push me rather than just support me, but it can be bad timing.

For example, in August, my husband and daughter got Covid shortly before we were going on an annual beach trip with my family that my D was very excited about. I was worried that with the timing and my parents being elderly (so higher-risk), we might not be able to go. Instead of being empathetic, my T kept saying how it's actually the perfect timing for us to get it and even went so far to say that I was taking on a "victim mentality," which isn't a good thing. (And this was after he'd stayed virtual for nearly all of 2 years for fear of getting Covid.) And I wasn't all like, "woe is me! How could life be so unfair!" More "Oh no, I'm worried the vacation might not work out." It caused a bit of a rupture.

Anyway, so yes, I've experienced this. It's difficult. Have you tried talking to her about it? Like what you said here, that she can seem wildly different from week to week?

Note: We ended up still being able to go on vacation (though my H masked the whole time around my parents because he was still testing positive (it had been more than 5 days, and I was masking around him to avoid getting it). But when it was first happening, we had no idea if it would work out (or if potentially one of us could have gotten pretty sick). And my concern wasn't about me, but my daughter getting to go to the beach with her grandparents, who she adores.

[Omers]

One thing awesome T said to me a long time ago (and I wanted to argue but couldn't) a lot of female T's have more trouble maintaining a consistent presence for clients. He said that art T was better than most and in hindsight I would have to agree. I really, really wanted to argue against it as prejudiced but I really do think he has a point.

Awesome T was the most consistent T I have ever had. New T is also male but not as consistent... so verdict is still out.

[ScarletPimpernel]

I disagree with female Ts being inconsistent. Both T and L and a past therapist, were all very consistent and female. It has nothing to do with gender!

Now ex-T was very inconsistent. We had good sessions and then a lot of bad sessions. I came home crying more times than not, and it wasn't because of my own personal issues. It was issues with her. She made me believe that it was my fault for the ruptures. Looking back, yeah I played a role, but it was her inconsistencies (among other things) that triggered and exasperated the ruptures. I wish I could have seen it then.

Originally Posted by Omers

One thing awesome T said to me a long time ago (and I wanted to argue but couldn't) a lot of female T's have more trouble maintaining a consistent presence for clients. He said that art T was better than most and in hindsight I would have to agree. I really, really wanted to argue against it as prejudiced but I really do think he has a point.

Must be because women are uniquely prone to hysteria, amongst other vagaries borne of the vapours. I really hope we don't let women fly planes or perform surgical operations because some tasks require the kind of absolute consistency which only men can deliver.

[Lostislost]

Yeah, I wish my T would just tell me at the beginning of a session...like 'oh xyz has happened so I'm feeling a bit blergh today' and that would make all the difference. But they don't do they, it's like some sick game where they want to "see how you react" and use it as part of their processes. So backwards, males and females have been the same with me.

Honestly, you'd think some therapists had never been to therapy.

[Oliviab]

Originally Posted by Lostislost

Yeah, I wish my T would just tell me at the beginning of a session...like 'oh xyz has happened so I'm feeling a bit blergh today' and that would make all the difference. But they don't do they, it's like some sick game where they want to "see how you react" and use it as part of their processes.

My T does this exact thing. He'll say within the first few seconds of a session, "I just got off the phone with an insurance company, so I'm a bit riled" or "I didn't sleep well last night, so I may be a bit off today." He started doing this after he realized that I'm very sensitive and reactive to even subtle shifts in his mood and non-verbal cues (and always interpreted them as being something I had done). It's saved us a heap of trouble, and I don't know why more therapists don't do this.

[ElectricManatee]

Originally Posted by Oliviab

My T does this exact thing. He'll say within the first few seconds of a session, "I just got off the phone with an insurance company, so I'm a bit riled" or "I didn't sleep well last night, so I may be a bit off today." He started doing this after he realized that I'm very sensitive and reactive to even subtle shifts in his mood and non-verbal cues (and always interpreted them as being something I had done). It's saved us a heap of trouble, and I don't know why more therapists don't do this.

My therapist does this occasionally too, and it's really helpful. Or if she seems off, I know I can ask and she'll tell me if she is feeling a little ill or tired or whatever.

[Lostislost]

Originally Posted by Oliviab

My T does this exact thing. He'll say within the first few seconds of a session, "I just got off the phone with an insurance company, so I'm a bit riled" or "I didn't sleep well last night, so I may be a bit off today." He started doing this after he realized that I'm very sensitive and reactive to even subtle shifts in his mood and non-verbal cues (and always interpreted them as being something I had done). It's saved us a heap of trouble, and I don't know why more therapists don't do this.

That would be so helpful! I always ask my T how he is at the start of the session, but he usually just asks me how I am right away.

[smileygal]

Originally Posted by Oliviab

My T does this exact thing. He'll say within the first few seconds of a session, "I just got off the phone with an insurance company, so I'm a bit riled" or "I didn't sleep well last night, so I may be a bit off today." He started doing this after he realized that I'm very sensitive and reactive to even subtle shifts in his mood and non-verbal cues (and always interpreted them as being something I had done). It's saved us a heap of trouble, and I don't know why more therapists don't do this.

This is literally my dream of what I want my T to do. I have spoke about this with her 10,000 times and asked if she would but nope....I know that it would be so helpful. It's soo strange when they resist this as if they are holding some kind of holy grail firmly in place...Also think for some T's its fear of showing vulnerability.

[smileygal]

Originally Posted by Lostislost

That would be so helpful! I always ask my T how he is at the start of the session, but he usually just asks me how I am right away.

I actually stopped asking my T because the answers were also so generic and not authentic anyway that I felt whats the point even wasting the time and money on false niceties lol. So now I don't ask and wonder at times if I must look selfish or inconsiderate lol.

[Waterbear]

Originally Posted by smileygal

I actually stopped asking my T because the answers were also so generic and not authentic anyway that I felt whats the point even wasting the time and money on false niceties lol. So now I don't ask and wonder at times if I must look selfish or inconsiderate lol.

I must say I have never asked I don't think. It didn't even occur to me, as I know they wouldn't tell me honestly anyway!

[LonesomeTonight]

Speaking of extremes...today my T seemed very warm and empathetic, even though we were talking about a difficult topic--how things were in therapy during the virtual portion of the pandemic, as opposed to now. I could have seen him be shaming about some stuff I brought up, but he wasn't.

What's sort of funny is that in talking at one point about how sometimes he seems very supportive and other times pushing me, he said he could imagine how it would feel rather erratic to me. Had he been reading this thread???