Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLII

What’s the couch? I did try finding a better thread for this post but I have no idea how to navigate this part of the forums.

Mountaineed-you can start a thread in this forum like you would start a thread anywhere else. This particular thread isn’t really a feedback thread but If you start your own thread on your topic of concern you will get replies that may help you sort out what you’re thinking and feeling.

L,
We talked about the secret today. Everything went well considering. But I feel like harming myself. I need to tell you, but I don't want to.

I never know if I am either. But I think some patients, like me and perhaps you too, need to feel deeply cared about and "not just a case".

Dear T,

How many emails can I send before you get annoyed? Is one a a day too much? :P

L,
I'm so tired. I can't sleep. Please don't be mad at me for my emails. I'm only doing what you told me to do. I'm struggling so much. Please ema or call as early as possible. I need you so so much. I'm sorry that you're the one who wound up being the person who I trust the most with this.

Dear T,
I'm not entirely sure how I feel about all your mentions of your son lately. I suppose Monday was more abstract and trying to relate to/validate me, saying you'd want to help your son improve as well. But today was about something more concrete, your Halloween plans and that they used to do a Halloween parade at his elementary school (I think he's in middle now, right? Just guessing based on his age.) Part of me likes it, but then part of me of course thinks of ex-MC and gets concerned. I feel like you've only done this since I've come back after the brief termination. Maybe you're trying to shift how you interact with me, that you realized you were being too...distant or something? Or maybe it's completely unrelated to that. Maybe you've just realized that I'm not going to interrogate you about your son, so it's OK to mention him. And that it's an easy touchstone to show you get how parenting can be challenging (leaving any sort of diagnosis or lack thereof completely out of it). Not sure if I need to talk about this stuff at some point...
Love,
LT

ETA: Also that you said you worry about me not getting enough sleep--that affected me for some reason. I guess because it feels caring.

I miss you. Damn.

(Makes sense I guess being Thursday and all. I'll be fine though.)

Dear Regular T: Thank you for reminding me I have choices and that what I want matters just as much as what other people want. Thanks for being there last night. Kit

Loving you hurts me.

Just that.

I like you and don’t like you at the same time. It’s maddening.

Navigating this twist means that a week is a very long time between sessions all of a sudden.

F****** H****

That was awful.

I'm glad I had the foresight to schedule a session today. Can I come sit in your waiting area and cry until it's time?

Still not divorced.

I have spent the rest of my evening emailing 4 other T's.

I really wish I was honest about how much I've been hurting lately. It got worse after I left.

Dear T,

Had a pretty good talk with H about one of the items on the scroll. Only like 3 topics left to go...sigh. But this was a pretty big one, about D, so...
Love,
LT

Thursday feels a long way away.

Dear T,
I assume I just missed your morning email reply cutoff--right? I know it's Friday, but kinda hope you reply something before tomorrow morning, even if it's just "Let's talk about this Monday." Or perhaps you typed something up and are giving it the "waiting period" as well?
Love,
LT

Dear T,
Thanks for that.
Love you,
LT

I cut therapy off with you, and now I miss you and want to ask you for a goodbye session. Also I want you to be my friend or more and I don't want you to be out of my life.
i miss you i miss you and I don't know where to go with my feelings except here

To new T: when you keep asking me throughout the session: and what feeling do you have towards me? I never feel anything, not even so much in my body, and I am so scared I am already hitting a wall and will never be able to work with you

I really want to touch base with you after that intense session today.

Actually, more than that I want you to touch base with me.

Too begin with aside from having unfinished business I think I had any regrets about ending therapy, but they are slowly creeping in.
One thing I always felt ashamed of and never asked about comes up almost every night. I'm still resisting contact though. At least until Christmas. Just wish we could go over a few things that make me nauseous still.

dang it


i still miss you.

****.

T: Hope you have a nice weekend!