Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLII

Quite still with anxiety. I’ve thought about you a lot today. I wonder if you think about me at all? Recently, I feel you’ve been frustrated with me. I don’t feel like you’re understanding me. Have I done something wrong? I should ask you.

I hate you! You're the worst! If my kidneys kill me, I'll say something reproachful to you from my deathbed to make you feel bad!

I kinda did a year ago. Like I said I have feelings of love toward him and clarified they were platonic, and he said something like, "So that just means you like me a lot then?" And I said yeah, even though I feel like it's a different thing. What's weird is, I hadn't intended to say it that day. But it was the day I was going to see a concert with the same band I'd seen when I'd emailed ex-MC the "I love you" thing...I saw them again earlier this year and was like, "OK, I'm not telling anyone besides my H and D that I love them today!" (I succeeded!)

I'm not sure how he'd react now. He's seemed more accepting of my attachment in general, particularly since I've come back after briefly terminating a couple months ago. But I'm not sure I want to risk sharing it. Might just say I've felt connected or something like that. As he seems to think the connection/bond is a natural thing with therapy. But I don't know if I even need to say anything.

Today I felt that you didn't hear me at all.

Thank you for understanding all the jumble that goes on in my head. Also thank you for asking doe a hug in the middle of my appointment. It was probably one of the most genuine gentle hug I have ever experienced.

I want to run back into the closet, as small and suffocating as that may be.

You people are worthless charlatans. You are morally bereft parasites.

I'm tired. You seem to think I'm taking care of stuff because C can't, but I'm not. I don't know why she doesn't tell you that. My sleep isn't good. I keep having to get up to pee. And the house is so cold. Plus, having all the animals - two dogs, the cat, and two rats - in my small bedroom at night is a bit noisy. I just can't leave them outside of my room since it's where the heater is. Everytime I try to have more than one heater running in the house, there's a short (is that the right phrase?) and I have to flip the switch for my bedroom in the circuit box. Sort of like how I can't use the microwave and toaster oven at the same time - only I'm confused because I can't even use two heaters in different rooms. Whenever I get up to use the bathroom, they are all disturbed. The cat starts up her meowing. I don't know what she wants. The rats start chewing on their food and treat items and drinking water. My large dog paces. I tried to find my earplugs, but was unsuccessful.

Then last night when I got up, I would also start thinking about the serial killer Israel Keyes - or rather, the his poor victims. My sister recommended a podcast about him. It is really disturbing.

Anyway, I've been missing classes because I am so sleepy I can't seem to get myself going fast enough. I'm also having a lot of trouble falling asleep for some reason.

Anyway, I'm not holding things together very well. Very worried about passing my classes.

I hope it's okay to send you some hugs @susannahsays so sorry you are struggling right now. Kit

I can't believe how much you messed up the ending. What were you thinking? Is 5 years not enough to realise that you don't bring up breaks as I am walking out the door? It's triggering as f***!

I'm about to do something stupid.

(Nothing unsafe, just stupid.)

Remember when you cancelled my session with an hour's notice because you were ill? And do you remember when you posted photographs to Facebook that same day of you gurning and churning over the new family baby, full of gush about their surprise visit to you? I remember that too! Turns out ill meant "ill". I wonder if your use of the word love means "love". Sometimes we feel like a mess and I am disgusted by you.

Thank you so much T for giving me an extra session and being so amazing when I was upset and needed you to calm things down in my head. Thanks for holding my hand and all the caring things you said. I was so full of self hatred and pain and I feel the burden has been eased, that you've really got into my emotional world and held me there in the most supportive way possible. I'm so blessed to have a T like you so who is so genuine. Thank you so much T for being the light that you are.

Ugh, T. I KNEW the insurance change would be a different provider and that you wouldn’t accept it. I know you said we could work something out, but this upsets me. What about my doctor, Pdoc? Stupid cheapskate company.

Sorry, @velcro003 I hate when insurances change. That happens to me frequently too. It's so upsetting. HUGS! Kit

Thanks Kit. yeah it sucks.

You don't feel safe.
You don't feel safe.
You don't feel safe.

Treble Clef,

I can't believe I only have two more sessions with you. I am a little nervous I am not going to find somebody new right away and that I may have a gap in treatment but I'm hoping for the best.

-Butterfly

PDOC hugged me today and it was really conforting. Why can't you be like that once in a while?

Thanks for telling me not to worry. I still will until we talk about it next week.

Why does it scare me so much when we have a good session. I dont want to like you. I don't want to need you. What if I get hurt again?

Dear Pastor T and Regular T: thanks for caring about me, and trying to get me to care about myself. Kit

Say something. Why are you always silent?

I'm so tired. I don't want to cope anymore. I'm done.

I have my appt with you next week and I'm thinking about it. what's the point of even saying ANYTHING to you - if we can't meet again for 6 weeks?!?! you won't remember what I say by then anyways. and h**l, I could've had surgery in that time too.....

Thanks for today. I wouldn't say I'm ready for Sunday, but I don't think it's going to flatten me. It will be hard, but I think I can handle it.
Above all, it's a celebration of my students.