Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLII

You didn’t answer me.

At mass today, the priest talked about a topic we discussed last week. He talked about if we are so busy all the tune and being afraid to have quiet time, we will never hear when God is taking to us. You and I discussed having quiet time and just being and allowing for quiet time. hmmmm

T, I feel really exposed. And really hurt.

I'm not OK.

I dreamt that I was

Three more sleeps.

Ny coworker keeps playing the song that reminds me of you. I was doing pretty well with the grief and missing you until I came to work this morning.

Dear Pastor T: I don't know what I want as a response from you tonight. But don't mess this up. Thanks Kit

T: my mood is getting worse. 😰

I’m incredibly isolated. You are the only person who knows, so are the only person I can speak to. But I don’t see you till next week. The memories are burning.

I’m going to call and ask if you can see me. Once I’ve stopped crying. I don’t think I can deal with the rejection. You are always too busy to see me ahead of appointments. Maybe I’ll tell you it’s a crisis. You’ll make time? Is that a lie? Is this a crisis? I can’t tell where the crisis starts and where it ends. It feels like a crisis. Letting one person be the only person is dangerous. No other person is safe. Do you see my issue here? Nothing is ok.

ExT still hate that i cant do christmas with you.

I think you should call, whether it is a crisis or not. Never hurts to ask.

T: (self-hatred rant)

Please don’t reject me! I am actually so very sorry for intruding on your life what feels like every single day at the moment! It’s a hard time of year for no actual reason! Anyway... yes, please, please don’t reject me! Oh the shame will eat me up if I think you, you who is pure and good, don’t think I’m worthy of your help.

If the truth be told R, I'm just sad.

Exam on thursday.

For the first time, I want to cancel tomorrow due to utter boredom of this rigmarole rather than due to my ambivalence and struggle to be in relation with you. I feel drained by you, by the relationship, by myself and by the tangles of it all. I would rather stay in bed and shop online for expensive socks and hand-knitted jumpers.

I know you told me not to worry about what I’m eating or my weight but I don’t want to be 180 pounds when I see the doctor on the 14th.

You helped me a lot in session today. I liked the fact that you shared something personal and put yourself as an example for what we were talking about (thus, taking me off the limelight). For a minute or two, you presented yourself as a real person and not as a person that's just doing his work. You helped me a lot, but now I'm alone again, with my demons...

Today has been difficult. I feel like I’m dissolving. It’s just hit me that when I see you on Monday I won’t see you again for 3 weeks because of Christmas. I’m afraid, of course. Everything I do is wrong at the moment. So very wrong. How do I manage?

I do not have an eating disorder. I do not have an eating disorder. I do not have an eating disorder. this is what my brain is yelling at me. today's session was sort of terrible, though I know you know that.

ExT every year you tried to wish me a happy christmas and i would not respond. This christmas i want to wish you a happy christmas

Yes, I was a bit alcohol impaired when you called back. I think it was good that we did not keep talking.

how do I say, you need to do better with me ?!?!

better yet, how CAN I say that

In today's exam I wasn't with it at all. Maybe we should have a new rule of leaving a gap between sessions and exams. Tuesday's session was just so heavy.

I counted up all the exam only subjects that i've done. Of the 23 over 5 years- I've had to retake 10 before passing the second time around. Which makes 11 now.

What do you think of me now?