Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLII

Dear T,
So that ended up being more intense than I'd expected it to be today. Some really good insights in there, mostly from you. I think I understand the paternal transference for you now, how it's different than with ex-MC and why. Because I don't want you to be my dad from when I was a kid--I want you to be my dad *now*, so I can talk about stuff with my D and you get it. Chances of you getting an email before session Tuesday are fairly good, but I imagine you're expecting that. I felt connected today and will do my best to hold onto that. And it's good you saw me as making progress on some things.
Love you,
LT

Dear T,

I know I am not supposed to let the hurt feelings or sadness take over anymore, but I don't know how to do that. Maybe you can give me some pointers in my next session.... :P

I hope you email back soon. I’m trying not to do anything stupid, but admittedly not trying as hard as I could.

I’m too scared to talk to anyone else because I don’t want to be sent to the hospital, but I think you’re busy because you haven’t replied. I don’t really know what to do. I can’t bring myself to reach out to anyone, so hopefully you check your email soon.

Dear T,
I kept thinking about the "needy" thing. Your saying you'd let me know while any neediness from me was still a tiny monster. Why is it a monster at all? What's wrong with needing you? You've already said I might not have any trees...
LT

That sounds so painful really. Why the heck is need a monster, Dr T?

Thanks, QM...I kinda get what he was going for, but...it's also painful.

I don't like how he seems to be pathologising need. My T isn't perfect but she frames it as crutches and broken legs. "Neediness" often points to unmet needs. She definitely hasn't met every single need, but the expression of those needs on my part isn't wrong or a monster (whatever the size). If I were to email too much for example, we'll discuss about why and how we can find something sustainable... But that's not because my needy behaviours are bad, or that needs are bad.

Dear ex T,
once again you've been cropping up in my dreams. It's lovely but also feels a bit cruel, I miss you still. The drama back home has been kicked up again big time. It's like none of them can see facts or the reality. The lingering, it's cruel, I can only hope she genuinely has no idea what's going on. I have so many questions about morality and loss. I was raised by hmmm, I don't eat to say 'bad people'.... My point is I'm not like them, but their way of thinking was beaten into me and its causing a lot of conflict in me. I wish we could have finished our work. Processing all this b.s would be clearer. If you do want to continue, don't wait too long x.

You are the best. This week I disclosed and went places I never knew existed. It's so hard because it is okay in the safety of your office. If only it felt okay after I leave your office. You gave me an amazing calming hug which was nice. Why couldn't I hold those feelings?

Thank you for talking to me for so long on the phone today. You saying we are making good progress. Thank you for your patience.

I wish I hadn't texted you that link. That was an impulsive move on my part and I can't remember what I was thinking. I don't want to talk to you, have no intention of doing so, so why did I do that?

You wrote me such a nice email. I'm really glad that you checked on me since I have been so sick and missed two appointments. Thank you.

I'm not ok, T, and I'm starting to question whether you are the right T for me. You don't seem to get so many things and I really suck at putting them into words.

Today I began to cry in biochemistry class.

We've been in rupture mode since your October break. All i wanted was care and comfort- not because I was one of your x number of clients, but because I was me and because of everything that I've already shared with you.

I was surprised by my own reaction and all the tears. I shouldn't have threatened to complain about you- but I could feel your anger and irritation.

My ambivalence about therapy is strong, but being all twisted is hard too.

I think it's clear I have higher needs than you can provide.

Like you've said : "you've always made a big deal about the emails"

I always thought you would be my last T- so after you I'm not going to jump into seeing someone else straight away.

P,s How do you feel about me not sending a payment for this week- when we didn't go the full 50 mins and just slightly over 24 mins plus interuptions?

Dear T,
Please don't make it worse today. It's not even like you said things that were that bad, they just triggered my shame reaction. Plus some sadness, too.
Love,
LT

Wishing you a peaceful session, LT

Thanks, I appreciate it!

I was trying really hard to hold it together yesterday, could have done with proximity/connection, but didn't want to complicate it any more. Looking forward to being able to talk about my normal stuff again next week.

I'm sorry I am so demanding. I am sorry I intrude on your personal life (I don't mean to) I am sorry I don't leave you alone on a weekend. I am sorry. I am just sorry.

The problem is I see you as so beautiful and perfect. Obviously I know you have problems and imperfections, but they just make you all the more perfect in my eyes. I can't do the things you can. I don't have the confidence or charisma that you have. I'm just a mess in comparison to you. An ugly mess. I should stop seeing you really but I love how you are with me, so I can't.

I stay because I love you.

But love is not enough.

Ahhh! D has a slight fever. Ugh, the anxiety came back full force. He’s sleeping and i’m alone w him. I know i’m not REALLY alone. Brittany and Erika have walkies with them, but STILL. I am going to spend this hour sitting next to him and praying he doesn’t start seizing. This is going to be a LONG year w him.

Hope it's OK to reply. Has he only had one febrile seizure so far? My D had one at about 18 months (so scary!), then never had one again. Apparently it's pretty common to just have one and that's it. (I assume this is about febrile seizures.)

Dear T,
You did well today. Thanks for being so understanding and accepting. Of course I'm still going to worry...But I'll do my best to hold onto your "all is well with me." Though, chances of sending a brief "all still OK?" email before Tuesday are somewhat high. Though I imagine you'd be surprised if I didn't...
Love you,
LT