Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLII

You asked last night what her name is. Last night she didn’t have a name.

I woke up this morning and knew her name is Grace.

A peace settled over me and it feels fitting for her to be named Grace.

She is thankful for her name and to be known.

Thanks for rescheduling. You know next week is going to be loaded, right?

Dear T: Thanks for not making me set a new NO SH goal right now. I am not up for it. I'm not ready for it. Ultimately that is what I want but right now I'm feeling depleted and feeling crushed and feeling like I may need to use that coping mechanism. I explained that I want to want to not do it, but I want to do it right now. You accepted that. You were like, okay, that's where you are at right now. Thanks, I needed that acceptance. Thanks for being there for me last night and giving me an extra long session. Kit

Dear T,
Thanks for a good session. Based on your one comment...I wonder if you got more consultation about me? (and perhaps other clients, too.) It could explain some of your shift in approach, how you seem more open to talking about yourself as a father (without actually revealing anything about your son) and just seem more validating and supportive in general. I appreciate the validation today... And the "It was good seeing you" was nice and felt genuine. Will take more time to get used to the new chair and new table setup next to me though! But glad you kept the fish by me...
Love,
LT

Dear T, thankyou for taking the time to listen to me today. I feel like i will make progress if i take it in small baby steps. You seem to understand me more better and i feel like i am going to make progress with the way we have set the therapy Thank you i feel so much better

I want to punish you and make you feel bad the way you have made me feel bad. Unfortunately, I don't think you care what I do.

Still, I'm pretty sure you think I'm full of hot air right now. You think I will always end up coming. You are wrong, though. I want to make you see that, even though it won't bother you that I'm not coming anymore because I feel betrayed by you. I didn't come today. I won't go next week.

I want you to feel bad. If you don't ask about me, I will send the shell you gave me back with C to remind you that I exist and that you hurt me. I will reject you the way you rejected me. I am not a nice person and I am not above being intentionally hurtful. You of all people should know that.

Maybe I will eventually make C terminate with you. I will say whatever I think will be hurtful to undermine your peace of mind and then not give you a chance to respond. You'll just have to live with it.

if I told you things didn't matter anymore, would you realize that's me crumbling underneath it all or would you flip out and take it the wrong way (like in literal terms) ?!?!?

I'm eating my feelings, and I'm in limbo until next Thursday. I value you, and I value your support...your unavailability in a difficult moment pains me.

I can't believe you laughed that I am upset. What is wrong with you?

I dislike your phrasing when you say I am welcome to come back - as if I did something wrong and you are allowing me to come back! I basically told you I feel betrayed, so why the hell do you think I'm asking for any sort of reassurance that it's ok to come to a session? It's not ****ing ok with me and I established that. You are not the only one with power here and just because you will tolerate me does not mean I will come rushing to see you. I am really not that desperate and I am not some sort of supplicant who will take whatever I am given and be grateful for it. You must have me confused with somebody else.

Treble Clef,

I can't believe your contract is ending soon. Where am I supposed to go for therapy now? Do I even bother to find someone new? I wish I didn't need therapy. I wish I didn't feel so hopeless.

-Butterfly

Creepy guy knocked on my door 4 times. I pretended for the other 3 that I wasn't in. He apologized for everything that went on but I was dismissive and told him I didn't care anymore about trying to save things and having friends. That he and the other girl could do their own thing and I would do my own.

He rightly said that I sounded severely depressed and I've spent the past three days just crying on and off.

You probably think I am all over the place because I am. But the way I am feeling right now is kind of freaking me out. I hope you understand.

I wish when I say “I’m struggling” it would catch your attention the first time, not more than a month down the road.

I love that I am in such a better place lately, but I don’t love that I feel as though I may need you less. Dependence scares me, independence scares me, and I don’t know what to feel. I know that we will talk about this and you won’t make me go if I’m not ready though.

Why do I have such sexually explicit dreams about you

And not the good kind

Oh T. I am terrified to read your response. PLEASE let it be good and calming and reassuring and not upsetting. Please...

How will I get up the guts to read it... oh T.

I don't really feel like addressing anything else to you, but then whom do I address stuff I can't tell people? Sometimes I just get a feeling that I want to say something. What I want to say isn't important to anyone but me and it's rarely interesting. I just have an urge to put it somewhere away from me. Journaling doesn't work. I might as well just talk to myself. No, I want to send out what I say even though there is no recipient.

Today I am sad. Feels very much like I have nothing to look forward to. Had bizarre, distressing dreams. I wish my sister was here. At times it feels like everyone on earth has died except for me because I feel so far away. But then when I do see people when I have to leave home, I feel like I must be an alien because I still feel so separate.

Now I’m back to how I felt last session. So just forget what I said before. I have been weighing myself though. These thoughts are hard to ignore.

Please write me. Please.... please, T.

Thank you for thinking of me for whatever reason to schedule an extra session this week. I wish we could add in that extra session every week...I could really use it

Still not Thursday yet?

I'm just really missing you. It scares me sometimes how deep my feelings are towards you and this relationship. It scares me that one day it will be over.

I would really feel so much better if you wrote me. You must know that. Please?

Dear T,
Nervous about my mammogram tomorrow. Well, I mean, not the procedure itself but the results. Based on the other two times I've had it done, I imagine my breasts will be really sore after, and I see you a few hours after it. I feel like I could share that with you, and you'd just be like, "Yep, that's what I've heard happens," in the matter-of-fact way you talk about those things. Which is weirdly comforting. Maybe not so "weirdly"--because it means I can talk about pretty much whatever with you, even sore boobs, and you're cool about it. I appreciate that...
Love,
LT

Yesterday, I went to a part of London you told me you love. I thought of you. I didn't miss you from a young place. I felt okay.

I am home now. I miss you from a young place. I am still okay. I just feel that yearning in my heart.