Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLII

So depressed. Just got done cleaning my car out and vacuuming it, though. Feel good about that. House is a mess, though. As in, clearly inhabited by someone who is probably not doing so well.

Reading through some of the very first emails from you.

I did contact you exactly 13 days before Christmas three years ago and you even later replied back on boxing day. Yes we have up's and downs but I know that we can work them out.

I actually do sound deranged in a few.

Exam on Tuesday and I'm just in a really bad slump.

You said I was tired even though I didn’t mention being tired. I said I wasn’t. Honestly I was kind of tired that day. It must just show on my face.

why are you so un-available?? and what do you plan to do about that, or to fix it?? your patients do notice this and are affected by it.....

Beginning to realise it's more than celebrating myself I need permission for. I need explicit permission to be able to consider my own needs, as well as others.

I couldn't help but think of you this weekend. Went to see the kids' school play and in it they mentioned multiple times the famous theater your step family started years ago.

Feel rotten. Seems like it's just one thing after another. I hope something good happens soon. Professor did seem to like my prototype. She pointed out one part of it to the class and said it was the best way to do it. Also said it was the neatest. I guess that was a good thing that happened. Still feel really depressed and like a general failure, though.

Crying over my feelings for you

Trying to decide if I should send this or not...

Dear T,

Okay. Given that therapy is not the place to find comfort and reassurance, what am I supposed to do with the gaping maw inside me? (I swear to God, if you interpret that sexually I'm going to scream.)

-c

One missed session, and I have no tolerance for anything. This is verging on ridiculous.

Dear T,
Seriously, you've never gone to a bar to watch a sporting event? Really, it's not so much that as the fact that you needed me to explain what happens there. It's not that complicated.... You really mystify me sometimes...
Love you anyway (or maybe in part because of that?),
LT

Dear T,
D has been flipping out for like the last hour. Involving the stuff we've talked about. I wish you were here to support me. You wouldn't tell me to "shut up" like H did... (at least, I don't think so? I of course don't know you in real life...) And we were kinda connecting tonight before this, too... I'm resisting the urge to have another beer, so, that's something? But I wish I could talk to you right now. Or see you. But I'm not going to actually reach out because you won't see it till the morning and by then the crisis will be over. So I'm just trying to think of session today and trying to hold that connection in my mind to help me through this.

Miss you,
LT

PS: Perhaps I will ask for the stone back Thursday...or some other stone.

Please don't cancel tomorrow.

I want to quit because you didn’t respond to my email. I hate this. We’re just going in circles and this isn’t helpful to me.

I was taken aback by the intensity of my reaction to finding out you lied again you would think i would be prepared for this after the first time

i dreamed about you i was at a family party, and you were there too - wearing punk clothes, out of character, but it didn't embarrass me. i said i liked the look on you, which i did. then there were two very big, aggressive birds in the garden trying to get into the house (??). anyway, at some point you said (!!): we can go do something after the party? I was v happy. Really? I asked. Then other family members arrived and I felt I could not leave just like that. We never left. But it was a really nice moment

Dear T,
I had a dream last night that you were at my house, sitting on my couch reading a book to me. You were doing different voices for different characters. At one point, we were sitting really close, and our heads were nearly touching. Then it was my turn to do the reading. I was nervous, and you were helping me sound out some of the character names. It was nice. And...obviously paternal. Hm...
Love,
LT

Dear Pastor T: I wish we could have negotiated about the SH. Or at least come together to decide not to SH over the next three days. You made the decision for me. You said I couldn't SH. It's like you're the parent and I'm the child. You're the authority and I have to do what you said. I know you have my best interests at heart but I really don't think you understand my SH. If I go ahead and SH I'm going to feel like my faith isn't strong enough. I'm going to feel that I've disappointed you or let you down. This shouldn't be about you. It should be about me and what I need. I'm a little mad at you. I know you are trying to help me, I think you are coming from a good place. I just don't think you understand. I think you do care, and that's something. But I don't think you understand. Kit

There was a lot I really needed to tell you. And I did tell you. In an email. And I think you're terminating me the next time we meet because of it... even though we've worked together for 8 years. I hate myself.

Psych exam today at 12.

We were writing until 2pm. Then the individual orals. We were done at 4.45pm.

I embarrassed myself and I didn't feel well at all- my stomach was hurting throughout .

I still got an A.

I came home and cried anyway because it took so much out of me. Like i've said before other people have real problems.

We have an appointment scheduled, but part of me is scared you're not going to be able to make it. Please reach out and let me know you'll be there?

Dear T,
I love you. Just had to get that out somewhere. OK, back to regular therapy topics.
--LT

Dear T,

Okay first off a hilarious thing is that when I write Dear in my phone, the first suggestion for the subsequent word is “God” and the second suggestion is your first name haha.

Also I wish that you could make me feel better.

c

I’m just curious, LT—after the debacle with ex-MC, have you used the L word with Dr. T or not?

I’m feeling really down, T.