Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLII

More thoughts on stuff this morning, I think I may need 90 minutes today to cover everything but I won't ask because.

I want you to send an email about my no-show (like you said you would) so that I can not respond and I can make you think about how it feels to get a non response.

I’m a responsible grownup in my real life, but a petty teenager in my therapy life.

Me: Hey T, I'm a bit concerned about boundaries at the moment. Do you think we are getting too close?

You: *signs off response with a kiss*

🤔

Hey T I give up.

Have fun on your stupid break.

I'm going to cancel our next session, then the one after that too.

It's not you. It's me 100% me for being such a weirdo that I can't handle a break- but we only started sessions again a month ago.

I'm here but I'm super nervous. You could recommend something I don't like. I don't want to tell you a plan that the voices thought of. Then for sure you would take action. And I can't have that action. So understandably I'm nervous and my stomach is in knots

Dear T,
Between last Thursday and today, you perhaps know a little more than you wanted to know about my current and past sex life...but I think I had a really good insight at the end of it (why always at the end???) Perhaps I'll try journaling on that topic over the weekend. Those expectations of myself have to come from somewhere, right? I'm glad you seemed to get how it could be exhausting. (I'd still choose it over cleaning the toilet with a toothbrush! But I know you were trying to exaggerate to be funny.)
Love,
LT

I keep turning 'Learn to trust yourself again' over in my head. Wondering what that looks like. Let's find out.

T: I feel...off/bad about our discussions surrounding my birth and attachment. That the reason I am so avoidant is purely bc of my extreme premature birth. I get it. I know it was highly traumatic and i didn’t get held for awhile and i probably shut down. But it feels like my childhood didn’t matter, even more so bc i don’t remember a big chunk of it.

I wasn’t brave enough to bring up the stuff about seeing kids and their parents casually talking about their day, like the parents really cared. How that effects me. Sigh.

Hey T: Can I just ask you, WTH was that? Where were *you* last night? You sure weren't in the room with me. I felt no connection to you at all. You talked about non-sense. You weren't even responding to what I said. You forgot major things about me. Did you even know who I was or were you just bluffing your way through the session? Did you read your notes before we started the session? Maybe you were just too tired to do a session properly. Maybe you should have been responsible and cancelled if you weren't up to it. You took my money and gave me nothing helpful. You seemed to try to be convincing me that I'm okay. Yeah, I'm okay right now at this moment, but I can't say I'm okay overall. And what was all that stuff about free education, and snakes, and handbags, and ice cream? How was any of that supposed to be helpful to me? I'm worried about you. You didn't seem like you were totally in your right mind at times last night. You remembered some stuff. Like me seeing Pastor T. But then you must have confused me with someone else, I don't have children. How could my son have gone to see a psychiatrist? I'm baffled by you right now. I'm worried that maybe you aren't okay. Like maybe you need to see a doctor. Because you were not making sense some of the time last night. And then you just stared, like you weren't even there. Like I wasn't even there. I didn't exist at all to you last night. I wasn't real to you. I sure as heck didn't mean anything to you. Can you please be back to your normal self next week? If this happens again, I think I have to look at getting a new T, or just going with Pastor T. Because whatever that was, it wasn't therapy. There was nothing therapeutic about it. I care about you and I don't know what was up with you. Maybe you were high or something. You weren't helpful at all. You were being so bizarre. Please be okay next week. The whole thing was like a really bad hallucination. I'm the one that is supposed to be needing help, not you. But if you need to get some help, please get some. You really confused me last night. You made me feel not safe. You made me feel invisible. You didn't even hear what I said. I wasn't important at all to you. Maybe I'm a little angry with you. You didn't show up last night. Whoever was there in the room with me wasn't you. Please don't do that again. I need you to be okay. I need you. Kit

Thank you for saying you want me to call you even if you can't call me back right away. That you rather me call then

I hate what you had me do. Make a schedule.... Doesn't mean I'll stick to it.

Okay. THIS is the email you don't respond to? Cool.

I am rather nervous... but I'll see you in about an hour....

Do you need a pocket rider Artie? I'll hop in if you want. HUGS Kit

Thank you! pocket riders always welcome! Heading there now.

Good to know it was always just about the money. I mean it makes sense, but still... good to know. So pissed at myself for ever letting myself believe you cared.

And I’m even more pissed at myself for being this distressed over it. Your opinion shouldn’t even matter to me.

I don't want to stay safe! Why did I have to tell you my plan. Just send me to IOP!

Lol this is almost funny to me. [/trigger] I emailed you saying I’m extremely suicidal and you ignored it, probably thinking I’m exaggerating and you’ll just reply in the morning. Nope, not exaggerating. Also, don’t plan to be here in the morning. [trigger]

t wtf just happened???!!!! I am so sorry. I feel like I hurt you and I hate that feeling. Especially when I said to you out loud "I'm sorry" before I left and you just said "mmhmm". And because you pretty much kicked me out of there at 50 minutes and we always go for an hour. I feel absolutely miserable. what the **** am I supposed to do with these feelings?! what?! But this is exactly WHY i needed to stop. don't you see?! I want so much more from you than i can ever have and that's just ****ing everything up!! I can't keep trying to work with you. because every few months the same damn thing would happen. Not that you would ever let me come back now anyway

aww Artie I am sorry your session didn't go well

(I fixed your trigger warning for you)

Please stay safe. PM me if you want someone to talk to.

L, my heart feels shattered and I am broken.

i wish i had the words to help you understand the way i feel

twice a week would only make things worse
weekly was hard enough
you can't see that though why can't you see that
why couldn't you understand what i was trying to say
i hope you will read my email pathetic as it is
it explains better than i did in your office earlier
omg i

am
broken

Thanks for allowing me to have a lighter session today yet still giving me new opportunities to work on for improvement. I really needed a break from EMDR. I know you are always working hard on the goal of improving my life. Also, thank you for gently helping me admit the issues I need to overcome that require your help even though I always want to do it on my own.