Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLII

T, usually we totally stuff up the first session back after a break so what a relief it was to have such a warm and connecting one today. especially when the one before the break was pretty shite. ho hum. we do some awesome work in amongst all the rupture-y stuff; i'd really like to have a lot more of the former and a lot less of the latter this year.

thanks for sticking with me even when things get rough (i know you'd thank me for sticking with you, too).

I'm scared that if things get really bad and I stop coming for a while, you wouldn't even notice or care

Imagine this:

I email you in distress. You send a normal, compassionate response which does not contain weird emojis (I am sorry, are you 15? I mistook you for a 70 year old adult) or obscured references to your emotional problems. I feel supported, you behave like a functional therapist. You don't get drunk on whiskey (I have seen the bottles, you need to up your game), I don't over-eat because I don't need to feel full of something, anything. Everyone is happy.

Thanks for being really good to me. I know you know that you’re a good therapist, but I should probably still tell you every once in a while. Thanks for hearing my trauma and always making me feel valid and like what happened to me matters. I wish I could say this to your face.

I went to a bar and actually had fun.

Didn't think of you the whole time.

Now i'm eating a bowl of cheerios and life is good.

Had a really productive day yet am feeling so awful. Really not ready to go back to school next week. Horrible depression and extremely irritable. Everything just feels pointless and hopeless. Also, you suck for not having a session available next week on Monday or Tuesday. You don't care about me at all!

Dear T,
You drive me nuts with some of the boundary stuff. But it helps to know you're doing all that in what you think is my best interest. That you're just trying to do and say what you think is best for me. You miss the mark sometimes, but it's clear that you care.
Love,
LT

Right now I want to act out but I can't because I know it's just that I want to distract myself from feeling depressed. So it wouldn't be right.

Dear T,
I really miss you already. I wish I could reach out to you but I know I can’t. This is so hard. I don’t know what to do with myself. I don’t know how I’m going to cope. I found an old message from you earlier saying you’d never kick me out of therapy. What happened to make you change your mind? Am I really that bad?

Hi R,

The theme of so much of our work has been 'You couldn't make this up...(and yet somebody did..)'

The latest instalment? My safe place is going to be demolished within 12-18 months.

You’re ok. I’m ok. I feel ok. Everything is achingly flat, including my feelings towards you. This is ok. I’m welcoming the dullness. I guess my medication is kicking in.

Dear T,
We have not met yet. Our first encounter is in exactly a month. This will be my first psychotherapy appt- does my college counselor count?
Im worried. anxious. I want to be fixed. I don't want pain and a cloud over my head anymore.

Its all in my head.

Dear Regular T: looking forward to seeing you tomorrow! Kit

I don't know if I can hold it together until February...

I don’t really know what to tell you. Or if I can trust you anymore. I threw away the meds because they were causing weight gain. I’m going to start going to the gym several times a week which I know you won’t approve of. Maybe you need to just stop promoting obesity and learn that intentional weight loss isn’t always bad?

Dear T,

This whole feelings thing gets kinda sucky when I have moments where I want to talk to you for no reason other than just to talk to you. Ugh. Stupid attachment. :P

Something terrible happened and I need you, but I'll see you only after 2 weeks. A friend suggested to ask you for an extra session, but I don't want to bother you

More uncessary drama at the coffee shop.

B +Y and I were sitting in a row of tables with the center one being a table for four with the ones at the ends being for two people.

I was sat in the center with Y waiting for the other table on the right to be free. When it was I moved down. Y wanted to join the tables- making one huge one for 6 and I honestly felt so trapped so said no that I wanted more space and she got very angry at me. I just said I didn't care that she was angry.

She's not talking to me now.

B knows to say nothing.

Lol are we 12?

This week I was completely vulnerable and opened up up to not on you but pdoc. Now I feel completely horrible. I even told pdoc about the unsafe thoughts I have been having. I now feel like I can't trust either of you. I have never told ANYBODY the things I told the both of you. Now you know the one thing about me that I swore I would never tell others.

Please T, you said you would text me today. I will never get over it if you forget about me today. I just don't think I could ever recover from this. Please please text me. I know this is a special day for you and you're so busy, but you said you wouldn't forget. You must know how much this means. So please T, send me a text. I'm crying just thinking about you not doing it. I need you to send one.

Dear Info,

Sometimes I think I’ve run out of the people who will love me in my life already.

ATAT

I hope you got a text

I’ve been thinking of you. I hope you did too.

You don’t know this but I’m meeting with you right after I meet with my principal on Tuesday. Also, we’ll be alone. How odd.

Thank you for thinking of me, and Velcro too. It means a lot.

She did text....after I sent her one late in the evening. There's a reason for it but I'm feeling awful. Like there's a hole in my soul. Will say a bit more in my thread in the romantic section just to offload. Not expecting replies but any are welcome if so inclined.