Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLII

Lemoncake · 06:52 AM

Two days of feeling awesome and it's come crashing down again.

One more exam to go.

I counted around 210 sessions going all the way through my skype conversations, not including the ones I saw you in person.

40*210= £8400.

8.75 days with you.

That's all.

Jan 12, 2020, 10:35 AM

I miss you. Don't let it go to your head.

Blueberry21 · Jan 12, 2020, 02:44 PM

I’ve been massively triggered today, so I read my C-PTSD book because I knew what was happening. I think you would want me to email you, but I don’t want to admit that I need to.

For a while the urge to SH was almost unbearable. I know I should tell you but I don’t want you to think less of me for it.

Lemoncake · Jan 12, 2020, 03:20 PM

Reading my old journal from 2018 just after you came back from a holiday.

This is what another poster said about the situation then, which I feel still applies now.

S: I need you and I hate that I need you.
R: I can't hear you.

kumy · Jan 12, 2020, 07:06 PM

I hope you're having a great time with your family. You know, sometimes I have wished that we were related. I know probably you have lots of flaws and that I'm idolizing you, but it helps. That's why I want to stop therapy half of the time, I'm afraid of feeling this way about you.

chihirochild · Jan 12, 2020, 07:22 PM

Dear T,

I miss you, or something. I hate it.

-c

Mountaindewed · Jan 12, 2020, 09:30 PM

You’d get so mad if you knew I was trying to burn calories by taking a hot shower and as a result of the scalding water I got so dizzy I almost passed out.

Lrad123 · Jan 12, 2020, 10:02 PM

I’m not sure it counts as acting out if I do it very politely and thoughtfully.

LostOnTheTrail · Jan 13, 2020, 03:24 AM

Two more attempts at sleep 'til the first trigger date, and three until I see you. Not that I'm counting.

velcro003 · Jan 13, 2020, 01:50 PM

T: I suddenly got this sense of doom that you’ll be sick tomorrow and will have to cancel again. I hope i’m wrong.

LonesomeTonight · Jan 13, 2020, 03:40 PM

Dear T,
If we'd had the discussion we had today about the concert back in August or September...I likely wouldn't have felt the need to terminate. But I also don't think at that point I'd realized what I eventually did--and by then, I'd already left. Glad I came back. Thanks for being so understanding and supportive about it today. And for seeming to understand the whole "going to concerts being part of my identity" thing.

Love you,
LT

Blueberry21 · Jan 13, 2020, 05:20 PM

I just emailed you to tell you I’d speak to you on Skype tomorrow afternoon, instead of in person, because of the weather. I don’t want to get stranded and the trains are going to be all messed up.

I am maybe also avoiding EMDR on the anniversary of my mother’s death... I just realized this. I have so much else going on, too.

I’m surprised you have yet to respond to either of my emails. Maybe the weather has messed up your schedule, too. I hope you are okay.

SummerTime12 · Jan 13, 2020, 06:54 PM

I don’t even wanna see you tomorrow. Maybe I won’t.

chihirochild · Jan 13, 2020, 07:33 PM

Dear T,

I can’t stop thinking about your face when you cried. I don’t understand why this is shaking me up so much.

-c

velcro003 · Jan 13, 2020, 10:06 PM

T: Please don't be sick tomorrow. I don' know what we'll talk about, but I don't want another missed session. I missed you, maybe?

captgut · Jan 14, 2020, 01:59 AM

Possible trigger:

So some details about what happened.
I was very, very drunk and texted that guy and asked him to come over. He always told nothing will happened without my wish. He lied. Yes, we had sex. I hated it. I felt hurt, disgusted, and it lasted forever.
Now he keeps texting me and asking what happened.
I hate myself. It's my fault.
As you remember, almost the same situation happened about half of a year ago.
Why am I doing that again? Why am I so stupid?
I have no idea how to tell you IRL. Will you hate me?

You always told I can contact you or ask for an extra session in case of emergency, but it's not emergency. It's only my fault.
See you after 8 days (If I survive).
How to tell you, how?
Also I quitted my meds. You'll be disappointed

Lemoncake · Jan 14, 2020, 07:28 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by captgut

Possible trigger:

So some details about what happened.
I was very, very drunk and texted that guy and asked him to come over. He always told nothing will happened without my wish. He lied. Yes, we had sex. I hated it. I felt hurt, disgusted, and it lasted forever.
Now he keeps texting me and asking what happened.
I hate myself. It's my fault.
As you remember, almost the same situation happened about half of a year ago.
Why am I doing that again? Why am I so stupid?
I have no idea how to tell you IRL. Will you hate me?

You always told I can contact you or ask for an extra session in case of emergency, but it's not emergency. It's only my fault.
See you after 8 days (If I survive).
How to tell you, how?
Also I quitted my meds. You'll be disappointed

I'm so sorry you went through this but it is not your fault.

Please do ask T for an extra session.

Can you contact a women's aid charity in your area for extra support?

LonesomeTonight · Jan 14, 2020, 07:38 AM

Hugs, Capt. I agree that you should ask for an extra session. It's not your fault.

Lonelyinmyheart · Jan 14, 2020, 09:36 AM

I miss you. I can't imagine ever being ready to stop seeing you. I just have to hope that one day I will have deep meaningful connections in my life that feel more fulfilling than being with you does, but still I can't imagine that either. Realised though that I genuinely care about you as a person and want you to be happy. It's not just what I want from you, but what I want FOR you (even though the desire - yes desire - for you is painfully intense at the moment).

SlumberKitty · Jan 14, 2020, 11:25 AM

Dear Pastor T: Actually that didn't suck last night. Thank you. I think it was encouraging. I'm not sure what you want from me, or out of me. I'm not very directive in therapy. I did come with notes last night and you seemed to like that. You told me that I'm strong and that I do amazingly well despite things. You may be starting to get me. I don't think you really understand SH. You focus a lot on feelings and I'm not good at expressing those or even finding out what it is that I am feeling. You said to make my own feelings chart. Hmmm. Okay. We'll see how that goes. Anyway, I think last night was encouraging for a change. I feel okay about it today. So thank you. Kit

velcro003 · Jan 14, 2020, 01:32 PM

Whew! Haven’t heard anything so far, so assuming our session is on tonight. Now, what to talk about...

chihirochild · Jan 14, 2020, 06:05 PM

Dear T,

I don't know what's going on with me but I'm really anticipating our session tomorrow. I think it has to do with the email I sent you about how I wanted to take your hand when you started crying. (Don't worry, I wouldn't ever do such a thing without your explicit consent, I just wanted to.) Please be good about this; touch in therapy is such a sore topic for me.

-c

zoiecat · Jan 14, 2020, 07:51 PM

You really hurt me today. You acted like my abusers. Then again, your anger brought out honesty. You are right. After 3 years, I have not changed. I cannot get any better and haven't tried hard enough. I need to quit and go back to my old ways of avoidance. I will be cancelling for Thursday and yes, I am avoiding you. I need the time to get my head together and prepare myself to quit. There is no sense in continuing when you are making me as miserable as them. I know you will be relieved. I know I really pissed you off today. I'm sorry. I guess you can't see how hard it is for me. We can both cut our losses and move on. Thanks for the help you did give me.

kumy · Jan 14, 2020, 08:13 PM

I'm not ok, T. I smiled all day and I chitchatted with my friends, but I feel really alone. Tomorrow I have an appointment with PDOC, so she is going to hug me. Sometimes I like her hugs policy.

LonesomeTonight · Jan 14, 2020, 09:05 PM

Dear T,
Had sort of a meltdown as a result of something D's T said today. Part of me wants to ask if I can see you tomorrow instead of Thursday. But then you're off Monday, so won't see you till Tuesday, and Wednesday to Tuesday feels long. And I had a good talk with H about it. So I'll just wait till I see you. (Don't want to email either really, as I've done a fair amount of that lately and will be OK.) But I need to talk next session about these feelings I got from her comment and where they're coming from.
Love,
LT

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Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLII

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