Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLII

This love-in is nice, isn't it? Don't worry, I will £uck it up before we both get too comfortable. It is one of the few ways in which I am reliable.

Thank you for your support today.

Things have gotten completely muddled in my head and I'm seriously struggling with SI. Even though you say I am, I don't feel all that welcome as your client any more. You're going away for 9 days again. It feels like you were gone not that long ago. I'm feeling really hopeless and I just want to give up. I wish our relationship felt stable again. You're never going to do anything nice for me again, are you? I hate this feeling. I hate my life. I'm sorry I was doing therapy wrong.

T: i am starting to feel bad. SO many people have had it so much worse than me. I don’t deserve therapy.

I hate my life.

Dear T,
I was really hoping you'd decide to come in the Sunday or Monday before Christmas. I know you'll be there the Thursday and part of Friday after (I'm afraid to ask about New Year's Eve Eve), and you deserve a break, and you haven't taken much time at all since the summer. And if I see you Friday (current plan), it's less than a week if I decide to see you the day after Christmas. But it's a really stressful time for me, as you know. (Of course, we talked about childhood and current parent stuff today, too...) And I'm sure you'll likely say it's OK to email, that maybe you'd be just checking/replying once a day, which is totally fine. But I intend to do everything in my power *not* to reach out to you during that time.


Ugh, I feel so pathetic and needy that this is bothering me. Though I suppose it's better you let me know now, rather than early next week, which is when you'd said you'd know for sure. Do I let you know that I'm worried about it? (Though you probably already suspect that.) And that I intend not to contact you, even if you might say it's OK? You deserve a break from me, after all, even though things have been good lately. Because at the end of the day, I'm part of your work.

On the plus side, had a challenging couple hours with D and am feeling sad/worried about this right now, I haven't gone beyond my alcohol limit for the day (not even as one of the cheat days). Part of me wanted to have another beer, but I didn't. So I now have over a week of that under my belt (the one day I had one more, but our goal was 5/7 days, and I met that). Suppose I could have told you that today, but we were busy talking about my parents. (And, I suppose, at one point, socks.)

Love you,
LT

PS--Apparently, cows can in fact sweat, but it's not their main cooling mechanism.

T, you let me down again.

You’ve been letting me down a lot. I haven’t even been able to tell you how devastated I’ve been. I don’t think you’ll listen or hear me or help.

Maybe I do want you to challenge me more, at least on the eye contact thing. Not on the chair thing though.
I definitely didn't expect you to laugh when I told you about C bringing up anger and that I evaded it. I don't mind that you laughed though. You had a point.

I'm sorry I went behind your back. I'm sorry there are things I'm still hiding from you that I don't plan to share with you. I hope you can accept that. And I hope you can understand that there are things I discuss with you that I won't discuss with C or anyone else. I know you wish I'd talk to you about it, but can you please accept my reasons for keeping the matters separate?

I am really struggle with this right now. T just told me this week that she is taking the two feels weeks of Christmas and new years of. Normally she doesn't. However since she sees clients on Tues, Wed, and Thu, and takes the week between the tow holidays off as well as Christmas eve, it didnt make since to just work one day.

I have never gone 2 weeks between appointments in 12 years of therapy. Heck until working with Emdr T I had never gone a week with out contact with T. T also only took a vacation 3 or 4 times in 10 years. I dont contact Emdr T during her vacations. I can work through the 1 week. This will my 5 weeks of vacation this year plus one sick week. I don't know how to tell her that I am struggling with 2 weeks at once without sounding pathetic

Hugs, I'm sorry you're struggling with this, too (and it makes my 6 days seem like nothing, but part of it for me is what happened with T's longer vacations over the summer, when things sort of fell apart between us). I think if you tell her that this is the longest break in 12 years of therapy, she'll understand. I forget--does she allow email? Or calls? Just wondering if you'd be able to reach out to her at some point. I assume you see her before she starts her vacation--maybe talk about coping strategies then. And consider if something like a transitional object, whether a physical object, a brief handwritten note, a voicemail, etc. might help you, if you think it's something she might at all be open to. And/or see if she has any suggestions.

C,

Thank you for being so understanding when I panicked and semi-back tracked about my decision to drop down to 1 session a week. This is hard. Thank you for (hopefully) being willing to let me ease into it.

Dear ex-T, There was a time I thought I could never end therapy. And now that I have ended it a while ago, I feel great being able to stand on my own feet having all the skills and compassion you helped me to gain over the years. You were right about it all.

She doesn't allow email for confidentiality reasons. She does texts and phone calls. She has only one phone but two numbers. She has to actually check her work number because the messages dont automatically come up. She often forgets to check it on a regular day off. She made sure I knew this early on. I know one of the way she takes care of herself is to not always have her work phone on and when she is on vacation she is on vacation. Over the hudays she will travel out of state to be with famiky.

I am stuck between wanting her to enjoy being with family that she sees once a year by leaving work at home and not thinking about it but also needing some contact mostly for reassurance.

I will see her this coming up Tuesday (the 17th) then see her again on Jan 7th.

Your hug today....it felt like being wrapped in the safest place in the world. As awful as it might sound, sometimes I think it is worth feeling sad to get the comfort of your arms around me. Obviously you always hug me at the end, but today there was something truly special about it, rather like the feeling of being absolutely gasping for a drink for hours and hours and then finally gulping fresh, cold water.

I miss you. I don’t really want to see you. I am however terrified of you being away over Christmas. I’m also relieved because I am low on words and motivation. I’m conflicted. I think I’m craving consistency and connection, and you are the only person in my life that provides it / I feel able to form that relationship with you because 1. It is your job to be there for me and to be consistent and connect with me, therefore if you fail to provide it, it’s on you, not me. 2. It is a mutually beneficial relationship - I pay for your time, you provide me with a service. Real life relationships don’t have set rules or systems. I hate this. It means I crave everything from you, but I’m restricted with when I can access what I need.

Please email me back. You know how hard it was for me to tell you that story, even over email. Please.

I echo you feelings in my heart. I feel the same way about my T, about relationships. It is so hard when he can't be there for me.

I’m making a deal with myself that I need to

You still have value and deserve to live regardless of how much you weigh.

I paid extra to change my flight date to this Wednesday instead of travelling on the 23rd.

I don't feel so well- just plain exhausted and tired.

I was reading my old diary from three years ago. Thank you for not giving up on me and bringing me to where I am now.

p.s I'm already counting down the days till you come back despite you not officially leaving yet.

I was in hospital today because of my mental health. The dr kept asking me about my safety plan and what I’ve been told to do in these situations and the answer is that I’ve never been told how to manage emergency situations. This might be because you think I’m very high functioning despite my diagnoses and behaviours. But when I am feeling like that, I don’t know what to do at all. I wish you could help me with staying safe, or knowing who I can reach out to. You’ve never once said if it’s ok to call or not call, even though I do it whenever I need. When you’re off for 6 weeks at a time, you’ve never helped me plan what to do if it’s hard. Do you think it’s because I don’t know what your role is in my care? Maybe I need to ask. I don’t really know what a therapist is and isn’t supposed to help with.

You know, I feel pretty pissed off at you right now and I don't think I'm being irrational, either.

I shared with you that I have a disorganized attachment style. You seemed to value that insight at the time and think it was important, yet your actions lately seem really careless in light of that. The whole thing about disorganized attachment is that it is a result of not being able to depend on or predict what caregivers are going to do as a child. You are doing and saying things that send different messages, so this just feeds into the issues that come with a disorganized attachment style.

I feel like I've unintentionally pulled you into some sort of reenactment and you've allowed it to happen. It feels like you aren't even trying to understand what's going on. Maybe you've given up?

I am attached to you, and I hate that - because I'm having doubts about whether you're willing to help me. Notice that I say willing and not capable. I think you are capable but it would require you to do more than sit there and listen.

I do want help. It's just really hard to act like it because that feels so vulnerable. Yet I have expressed several times at this point that I do want help and I don't like the way I am. It would just be nice if you could meet me halfway.

You asked C if she feels like seeing you is helping, including seeing me - or if that is making things worse. That felt like a betrayal. I notice you never ask if talking to C is making things worse for me. I guess you don't need to since I express how I feel about it - but you have literally called me selfish in response. That tells me that my feelings on the subject aren't important and also suggests that you likely wouldn't even ask how I felt about it.

I'm tired of this. I see the biggest problem here as your insecurity and lack of effort to understand my (and C's, for that matter) interpersonal issues. You seem to feel overly responsible for our symptoms while also being lazy af about analyzing anything that occurs.

You and C aren't a good match. You just aren't compatible. You make her uncomfortable and self conscious with your demeanor. The way you are seems fine to me, but like I said, I'm having doubts about whether seeing you is what's best for me.

I don't really feel like searching for another therapist. That stupid diagnosis makes it hard. But C would spiral without having some place to go every week, even if the person she's meeting with isn't a great fit. I don't really know what to do. I feel stuck.

All that to say, I am going to have a look at other therapists in the area.

T, I’m exhausted.

I’m not sure you’ll like the fact I’ve started exercising and I’m trying to lose 20 pounds in a month. But I do feel better mentally and physically after getting my period. Sorry if my frantic phone call yesterday scared you. This month proved I for sure need to be on my birth control because my PMDD is way too bad without it.