Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLII

Now I’m just afraid to see you. Actually scared. I’m so anxious. Please be ok (in yourself, with me).

T: I can feel the weight of depression building. I hate it. I hate my life.

Seeing you only for today after a 2 week break doesn't feel like enough, but I already told you that today. I'm feeling very overwhelmed and need to talk to someone.

You don't get me. I don't like you right now. Yesterday, I felt like if I were speaking to the wall.

I'm back here again.

Day 17 with zero contact done.

I don't feel like coming in. It's too overwhelming to have to get out of this bed.

I won't be emailing when we agreed and I have contacted a new therapist. I don't know if I am attempting to bail because things are getting too difficult or if I am starting to (finally) realise that our work has reached its end. I don't feel sad, but despondent and alone. I hate that you ever used the words "love" and "special"; I wish I didn't know that these are the experiences which I am losing.

Initial meeting 16/12/2016.

Number of sessions between 3-01-17 to 28-06-2018 = 132 sessions.

Without even including this year I've spent £5280 on therapy.



I'm not angry just disappointed. I don't think you even knew me if you can't figure out why email was important to me.

You were obviously surprised that pdoc put me on antidepressants. Are you blind??

When you attribute my issues with therapy to my childhood, it makes me feel like you’re gaslighting me.

I may well not continue. I’m so tired of all of this.

I hear you Lemoncake!!!! on former T alone I spent close to $26,500.00 That's not including any of the T's I have seen since then, or before then, and not including Pdoc.

Dear PrevT,

T is just so nice. I’m very lucky.
I would like to be more like her.

She came into today despite being sick. Besides her little pink nose and occasional cough or sniff, you wouldn’t know she was sick.

I mean, she’s sick....but she is pleasant. I’m rarely pleasant when I’m sick. T is almost always pleasant! I asked her if that’s part of training, “Do you talk about demeanor in class? Is she pleasant because she was trained to be pleasant? Is she pleasant because that is...just her personality??”

She responded with a smile, “What a very nice question....”

(SEE! Ha! Pleasant.)

She said it was an interesting question. Yes, they talk a bit about the importance of bedside manner in class...but we think it’s just her temperament..or something.
I guess I was wondering if her pleasantness is genuine or was it taught.

Then I came out with..”Ok, what kinds of things make you cranky?” She answered, “Oh, lack of sleep, tiredness...”

I asked, “What about traffic? Does traffic bother you?” She gave me a sideways smile and shook her head no with amusement. “No, not really. I decided long ago there’s not much you can do about traffic but be in the middle of it.”

She said her sister likes to give her a hard way to go if they are in traffic together and her sister thinks she should pull up closer to the car in front. “You’re leaving too much space. Those cars will sneak in and take advantage of you.” Jackie shook her head, smiling.....”But I don’t care (if they do)!”

You would like T.
I read her the few emails that went on between us while T’s been sick. I told her (again),
“ I just know you’d like PrevT.”
She smiled and responded,
“I already do.”

T reminds me of the old movie, “Harvey”, with James Stewart as Elwood Dowd.

Elwood P. Dowd: “In this world Ellwood, you must be oh so smart, or oh so pleasant, well for years I was smart... I recommend pleasant, and you may quote me.”

But T is smart, too.

Do your classes teach the T’s in training about demeanor and pleasantness ?

T, only 5 more sleeps and i'm not sure if i want to see you or not. i mean, i do want to. we both know this break has been too long, and at a really bad time, and email isn't enough right now. and also i don't want to. because therapy is hard, and our relationship has been fraught and rupture-y at times, and i still don't know how or what i'm feeling about the abuser's death.

it'd be nice if you try the low-key 'it's been a long time, we've missed each other, let's reconnect and ease back in slowly' approach. not the 'woot, i've had three weeks off and i'm raring to go!' approach. that one's too full-on for the first session back 'cos while you may have been off relaxing and having a great time (albeit still keeping in touch - thank you!), it's been pretty rough my end.

please just be gentle with me.

Now I'm thinking you're angry with me. And that I dont give a fig anyway.

don't know which T should i mentioned but i am not angry with my T.

I don’t feel ready for Monday. I don’t really believe I’m seeing you. I’m anxious. I need reassurance but I’m also too scared to speak to you. I don’t feel ok, but I want to talk to the person you were. Are. I am hoping you and everything hasn’t changed, but it feels like then and now. Now feels unknown. This is literally the adult-person version of object permanence and it is so scary.

I'm considering quiting therapy. This is not helping. I will try to bring the topic with you.

Dear T,
Dealing with a lot of stuff with D right now and over the past 2 days...wish I could talk to you. But I won't email or anything because it's the weekend, I've sent one a week the past two weeks, and I can get through it. Thinking we need to talk about that Monday though instead of possibly continuing Thursday's conversation. But this is more pressing right now, unless things really turn around tomorrow. Miss you...
Love,
LT

You seem to be listening well, but there have been countless times when you've forgotten important information I've shared. It seems that you sometimes have your mind on something else.

T: The depression is getting worse. I'm not ready for a full work-week this coming week. I am nervous to see you on Tuesday, based on how you ended our session last week.

It has been a long time since I felt this way. You seem to have it all together. I have tried for so long to appear to also be fairly stable.. to have it together. What will you think if I told you how messed up I really am. This break is way to long; I just can't handle it.

I am sure you had a wonderful relaxing time, though. You were able to see all your family and in-Laws. Sadly I didnt have that luxury

Didnt expect to see you coming round the corner like that i felt like i was punched in the chest and then you did that weird thing where you cover your eyes and twist around and it looks so awkward but you did it too fast and nearly took out your children. I miss you more now and i thought i was agood bit over you.

T I'm so relieved that you're not angry with me. I think in my heart I knew you weren't as you had no reason to be, but why do I react so strongly when your text is even slightly different to the norm? Like not so many x's? It makes me feel crazy and I'm too embarrassed to even say to you this is how freaked out I get when I feel you're not as affectionate in a text as usual. Chances are you were tired and sent it without attaching that depth of meaning to it, but it means a lot to me. I analyse what you say and how. I guess it's not fair...on you. I need to trust the essence of you as a person. And I do. I just get shaky at times.

8am class tomorow and I'm already so exhasuted.

Spent an hour in bed crying and trying hard not to SH. Just because I don't do it anymore doesn't mean it's still not a thing for me.

I want you.
I want you.
I want you.

But I'm so angry at you now. You chose to just vanish and not respond to any emails when you've previously let me have email contact.

Oh T, I feel so completely devastated that you're getting married and I can't explain why! I don't think I'm gay but I guess I'm in love with you in a sense, so maybe that's the reason. Or maybe it's more from a childlike place, fearful of losing you to a partner that I will never know about, not getting the same attention as before because you'll be besotted by him. It's pretty messed up whatever the reason. I can't stop shaking. I feel absolutely awful. I know I need to talk about this with you. I just feel I want to back away from you and not care anymore.