Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLII

I’m worried about talking to the new doctor because of my possible selective mutism. I am worried he won’t take me seriously because I can’t communicate what I need and want from him. I feel like it will be difficult between us. Can you help me figure it out?

T: so depressed. not looking forward to Tuesday.

do you fall asleep on all your clients/patients or am I just that boring?!?!
one of these times, I'm gonna sit there in silence and observe out of the corner of my eye your closed lids! and maybe one of these times i'll just up and walk out, if only I could be super quiet....... (bet that'd make things extremely awkward)

I want to ask you what was going on for you when you started to cry last week but I’m not sure if that’s okay or if I even really want to know.

Dear T: Not looking forward to telling you about all the SH since I've seen you last. Please be gentle with me. And don't give me so much homework. Thanks. Kit

Why did you seem more comforting and concerned today? I'm afraid you want to terminate with me, but the agreement with CPS is that I'd continue working with you during this. I wonder if you received a copy of the meeting or have talked to the caseworker anymore. I know that's supposed to be something they're checking in about, but you havent mentioned anything.

Maybe I should have just texted you whilst you were away on holiday?

Kidding.

Anyway thanks for today, even though I'm still - I don't know how I feel about you-.

I'm just scared. Retake exam tomorrow.

My anxiety has been much worse, but I'm still going to go in all and all that.

Dear T,
Struggling to not email you. But trying to tell myself that even if you don't outright say it, you do get something (besides money) out of meeting with your clients. Or that even if you don't, it doesn't matter. That it's only about what you give me, not what I give you (again, besides money). Still, I wish you'd just said something generic. Even when ex-MC said how all of his clients are special, for some reason that helped me. But I didn't come right out and ask, so it's not fair to be bothered that you didn't say anything.
Love,
LT

I'm nervous about our appointment tomorrow. Have you talk to PDOC? I hope you don't check with her until Wednesday, so I don't have to talk to you about it until after your holidays.

I should call you, but hate reaching out especially over the phone. And if I did, I'd feel like I'm abusing your offer to call. I just really need to talk to someone right now.

Hugs, Shehulk. I highly doubt you'd be abusing your T's offer to call. He offered, and you should take him up on it!

Thank you for responding to my texts today, especially that one that was rather late. But I don't believe what you said about my kitchen not looking as bad as you thought it might! It's not like it just needs straightening up. It is a complete disaster area. And wait until you see my living room. That's where things really resemble Hoarders: Buried Alive.

Passed with an A.
Still canceling today's session.

Dear T,
That meant a lot. Thank you.
Love you,
LT

I'm so sorry Lemoncake. What happened, if you feel comfortable pming me? You give so much support to others, you deserve care and support too.

Hugs. I hope you have the session you need and that your depression lifts

Thanks. It got cancelled due to snow

T: Thanks for the brief phone call after you cancelled. I’m still having a really terrible day. I just want to go to bed and never get out again.

Dear T,

I don't know what's going on but I'm starting to feel the beginning pangs of scary-badness. Maybe I'm just bored? Or maybe I was activated by the intensity between us recently? I want to email you but I don't want you to freak out and decide that twice a week is a bad idea (I'm afraid you'll "take it away"), and I don't want you to feel like you crying in session threw me for a loop (even though it kind of did).

Damnit.

-c

Dear Pastor T: I know you are trying to get me to stop SH-ing, and I want to, but then something always happens and I go back to it. It's the ambivalence I was trying to explain to you. I don't think you are very patient with the SH. It's okay, you don't have to be. But when you were trying to get me to say I have a problem with SH (which I sort of agree with, but it also helps me in other ways, like with feeling sui) you were like, "So show up to Church in short sleeves, then." You rat! I kind of hated you for that. I don't wear short sleeves anywhere, except maybe at home, and even then only when my parents aren't home or when they are asleep. I kind of hate you for that remark. Dude, you suck. And by the way, I didn't come to you for help with the SH, only for help with the Sui. You said maybe our goals weren't aligned. I do want to stop SH-ing, I just don't know how. You seem to think I should be able to just stop. If it was that easy, I would have done it years ago. Do me a favor, don't psychoanalyze me at Church on Sunday. Kit

I really need to know what you meant today. If it meant we're terminating or if you're thinking of something to supplement our therapy. I'm scared thinking that you might be done with me because of my SUI thoughts when you said in the same session that it's kind of my normal and okay to have these thoughts. I don't know how to address this with you without getting emotional. I feel like there's something wrong with me for getting attached and not wanting to lose a year plus work with you. I really want to call you tonight to discuss this because it's really triggering my fears of being too much and being abandoned, but what if you want to terminate and that pushes you farther away.

Ok, where are you? I know it is early to expect a reply. Feeling the need.

Dear Pastor T: I feel like SH-ing and just not telling you about it. But then, would I go to for lying to the clergy? You came right out and asked me at my last appointment. I didn't volunteer the information. Probably couldn't lie to you if you flat out asked me. Only if you didn't ask me. Although it's probably standard. Regular T asks me too. Usually it's her first or second question. Sigh. Kit

Dear T,

I hope you don’t get too weird about the email I just sent telling you that I wanted to hold your hand when you started crying. It’s just so weird to watch someone cry and not offer comfort, you know? (Do you know? Maybe you’re not a touchy-feely person, or maybe you’ve squashed that aspect of yourself since touch in therapy is complicated AF.)

Anyway, it’d be nice if you emailed me back so I don’t have to wait in suspense for your reaction for an entire week, but that’s not the agreement so I get it if you don’t.

-c

You told me on Monday “you know, most people can just push through stuff.” I’m not sure what that meant but I’ve been sick for over a week, and am in terrible pain right now that I have been pushing through all day. I’m starting to think your not taking me seriously as much as you used to? I don’t get what the difference is because nothing has changed in my behavior or attitude towards you. But yeah, I’ve had people go from liking me to being frustrated with me for no apparent reason. It seems like your problem though.

Had a random thought about something that happened ages ago and now I feel awful and pretty much devastated. Why am I like this...