Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLII

I think we both know the last line isn't true. It's just waiting for you is hard.

Oh L. What the hell am I going to do about you? I almost want you to say you can't work with me anymore and give me some referrals except last time we were 'here' you said you wouldn't know who or what to refer me to/for. I need off this merry go round. You can't be what I want so I need to accept that and move forward from here. No more talk about turning up the heat, etc. I need to just get off this circus ride. It's not helping either of us. I'm sure it's frustrating for you and it's crazy making for me.

Dear T: Please help me tomorrow. Please don't let it be a repeat of that bizarre appointment last week. Thanks, Kit

I have 45 minutes left to call you and still cancel within the 48 hours. I'm not going to, am I. I will show up Thursday.

Oops. I didn't call.

I'm overflowing with badness! If I told you all the bad stuff in my head, you wouldn't be so complacent! I'm a wicked, bad girl and I don't care. In fact, I love it!

Dear T,
I want to amend the email and say the class wasn't what I thought it would be, and I just felt even more sad afterward, cried the whole way home. But just letting it be. I'm sure you wouldn't say anything till morning anyway, which is fine. I'm not in danger or anything, just sad and not sure what to do re: D. I hope you're not annoyed by the email at all. I've wanted to email you multiple times in the past 2 weeks but haven't (and told you that), so I think one email out of like 3 or 4 potential ones is pretty good, for me at least. Because in the past, would have been more like 3 or 4 out of 3 or 4 that were actually sent. Just hit a low point today...

Love,
LT

Dear T
I realise you are not a participant in my life and I keep trying to get you to be one. You gently point me back to the people who are in my life and encourage me.
Ugh
Still want a break

Also, why did you think it was funny when I said I have a callous disregard for other people? Surely that should be disturbing to you.

well it looks like I'm coming thursday. don't you dare even think about saying that thing about seeing 'someone else' looking out from my lazy eye. that one comment alone is cause enough for me to terminate come to think of it. that really upset me, especially since I have talked enough times about how sensitive I am about how that eye looks.

Abcdefghijklmnop

I can't believe I actually told you that I am gay. Well, "more gay than not" would be the exact verbiage. Now what, T?! I'm terrified.

Sure wish I knew how Thursday's gonna go. I hope I don't regret this

You did good there T. At least at the end. It improved at the point you silently said to yourself "be more patient".

The closer thursday gets the nervouser I get. This morning I feel sick to my stomach thinking about it. (I know I know stop thinking about it. Yeah, right.)

Dear T,
Aw, that was a really caring and supportive response. It made me cry, in a good way. It's more how you used to reply to those sorts of emails before this summer happened. Which makes me think something was in fact going on with you at that time to make you be...how you were toward me. You've seemed more like your old self in session lately, so glad to see you were in email, too. (Don't worry, I won't push it!)
Love,
LT

Dear T: Please be your old self today. Please don't be overly tired and say weird things and not remember who I am. Please be helpful. Thanks Kit

Dear EMDR T
thank you for believing I can do this. whether I can or not, I appreciate it.

How profoundly you undermine the work of a good T. You could not even make the smallest goodwill gesture. I feel sorry for you , it must be awful to be like that , but the funny thing is , you think you're winning.

Hugs. Thinking about you

Hugs to you, if wanted, Artie

T, I'm still thinking over how you said to bring in the topic of my first therapists. I oddly feel compelled to defend him right now. I doubted my own memory some days ago so I went back to my private journal and my memories were right. I even had posts on facebook during that time period where online friends told me his behaviour wasn't ok. Yet I feel very pulled to blame myself, pathologise myself because he had over 20 years of experience by the time I saw him...

Dear T: thank you for being your lovely self last night and not being wacky or bizarre. Thank you for remembering things about me and keeping the session going in a regular direction. I don't think it was the most therapeutic session I've had but it was, at least, an encouraging one. Thank you for being there for me and walking through this stuff with me. Kit

Dear T,
Way to open up a huge topic with 20 minutes to go there, T...I should have deferred to next session. Especially because I was mostly talking around it for much of the time, then got to the meat of it near the end. I think it led me to have a big revelation on the way home, which I suppose is ultimately good, but...now I want to talk about it more...and I think I need to look at the timeline of some things to see if it totally makes sense. But I think perhaps we may have hit on the root of some things...

Love,
LT

I think I am going to hurl. I should have canceled.