Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLII

Dear T,
So last night I had this really random dream about you and your wife (think it's the first time she's appeared in my dream). You mentioned having 6 brothers and 13 sisters, which I'm pretty sure isn't the case! (I know you have at least one brother.) And your house was like a mansion. But you said you slept in the basement because you couldn't figure out the fancy bed in the bedroom (???). You were going to some JFK wine cellar (something famous in my dream), and I happened to be walking with you (and your wife), and I was like, "Well, I don't want to tag along, but I've never been there before, so..." (and in my dream, I knew this was a lie and figured I was being clever in getting myself invited along). So he said that sure I could come. He seemed disappointed that there was another person in the cellar, which also had all these gifts that seemed like they were antiques but were just knockoffs. You said you had to pick out a bottle of wine for your wife, so you'd know what snacks to make for her for the day. I was like, "Maybe you could teach that to [my H]!" and you both laughed. I recall thinking, "Well, I guess you are in fact still together with your wife and seem quite happy, so the not wearing your ring must not have meant anything." Your son wasn't around though.

Not sure what *that* was all about...Certainly not going to share it with you in real life though! (well, maybe I'd share the 6 brothers and 13 sisters because that was kinda funny.)

Love,
LT

You might not want my commentry- but to me it just read that you want to be apart of his world too. But this bit stood out for me. You also want the same snacks that he's making/giving to his wife.

Snacks= food. Feeding. Filling you up.

This makes a lot of sense, thanks. Both the wanting to be part of his world and the part about the snacks filling me up. And I guess that would also speak to him taking care of me.

11 more days until I see you. Three weeks is a long time. It's occurred to me just not to go back. But I know that's not what I really want.

Hey L. So far so good, I still feel nothing but relief but I'll see how I feel on Thursday at what used to be "our" time. I am already planning on going hiking in the Nat'l Park near my house after work, so I'll be out in my beloved desert...

(although I may still 'talk' to you here for awhile, old habits and all haha)

I love you. My love for you makes me sad.

Well I guess this is it

I've already not seen you for 17 days.

You're fading and don't feel real.

I think I can do this alone.

Today I was freaking out about how to handle my anxiety in the future if certain events happen and my T said to me: we have ways to help you with your anxiety.

Yeah do those ways not include me gaining 40 pounds from some new medication? I don’t have an eating disorder but I am very particular about my weight and will refuse any treatment that involves even the slightest possibility of weight gain.

I wish I could actually send you all the emails I write rather than saving them as drafts. I have so many emails that I have written since that dreadful day that I could probably write a book.

ExT i keep dreaming that you are a Golem i cannot assemble or animate. Frustrating

T2,

I am more tired than I should be. I hope it's just the weather changing (I hate this) & all the stress. I am so tired of this car **** & worried about my cat.
And I still miss him. Wth is wrong with me?

L, we done good. We done real good. I am forever grateful!
Even though I couldn't handle the transference stuff anymore and had to get out, we still did a lot of good work together and I feel like i am able to hold onto that.

Hey T. I’m sorry your H is still dealing w the hospital and now surgery. 😞 It does suck to have to wait another week though after last week’s topic. Sigh.

I just realized it’s been more than a month from when you first had to cancel bc iof your H in the hospital. Now i’m really worried. I hope he is okay. What will happen if he’s not? Or if something worse happens? I don’t know how I could continue therapy with you knowing you’d be grieving. I know, i probably shouldn’t catastrophize, but i’m all worried now.

If I'm being honest for the past five years I've always just been focused/ bordering on obsessive with one person at a time.

L
H
M
Now you.

I actually don't know who I am without having that extra person there.

Dear T: I cancelled our session for tomorrow. I doubt you'll notice. I don't think you look at your appointments until the day of. I wish you would notice, but I already know you don't really care. Kit

Dear T,

Thank you for always being supportive, especially when I go through periods where I sincerely question myself, my life, and the choices I make. I am so grateful to have you in my life.

Dear T,

STABILITY!
I want to have a stable home, stable health, stable security, stable hygiene, stable emotions, stable relationships and a stable heart!
Is that doable? Is that ok?

I wish I had your extensive network. I'm amazed by how incredibly accomplished you are. You're just two years older yet have a Doctorate and are considered an expert in your field. While I'm stuck in dead end jobs, with just a diploma because I flunked out of Computer Science. And you're so humble, and you care about me, and you respect me even though I've done nothing to warrant that... You call be brave, you've said your clients inspire you and I honestly don't understand why you think I've any good qualities.

I'm very shocked about that.

Some people have real problems. All I ever did was cry about exams.

Your hugs have been very non-committal over the last couple of weeks.

Did someone just say sorry they hurt me ? Did I hear that right ? !!