So the holidays are coming up! I see so many ppl buying gifts! For family,friends, even sending some to foreign countrys to give to the poor and sick! What do you all think about a gift to your T? I've wondered this because I have a feeling of "wanting" to give my T a pressent a gift for the holidays. Just thought I'd ask...I'm not going shopping yet so dont worry I thought I"d discuss it with you all before I pursued it.

Dustin

[krazibean]

i made my T a collage. She always tells me i should collage because it relieves stress, so i thought what better present to give her than to take her advice! I think she will really like it.

[sunrise]

Hi Dustin, I just bumped another recent thread for you on the same topic. There were some good responses there! Here is the link:
http://forums.psychcentral.com/showf...5&o=31&fpart=1

I can't do it. I am so used to giving him things that are "me"-- CDs that I made, writing, poems, etc... I just can't imagine giving him a gift that would mean more than giving him things that I normally do. I feel the the best gifts are the ones that are showing him a piece of me-- they help to connect us even more. I couldn't go out and buy him something. I have no idea what he likes. I'm sure he has tons of books. I know he likes socks cause he wears 'em, hahaha... I am thinking of just getting him a card. Or maybe I will glue two popsicle sticks together and wrap them up, hahahahha...I would just die to see the look on his face when he opened it-- what would he say?

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sunrise said:
Hi Dustin, I just bumped another recent thread for you on the same topic. There were some good responses there! Here is the link:
http://forums.psychcentral.com/showf...5&o=31&fpart=1

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Thanks Sunrise! I didnt see this topic hehe thanks again!!! I'll read the responses.

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pinksoil said:
I can't do it. I am so used to giving him things that are "me"-- CDs that I made, writing, poems, etc... I just can't imagine giving him a gift that would mean more than giving him things that I normally do. I feel the the best gifts are the ones that are showing him a piece of me-- they help to connect us even more. I couldn't go out and buy him something. I have no idea what he likes. I'm sure he has tons of books. I know he likes socks cause he wears 'em, hahaha... I am thinking of just getting him a card. Or maybe I will glue two popsicle sticks together and wrap them up, hahahahha...I would just die to see the look on his face when he opened it-- what would he say?

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I can't predict what he'd say exactly but I can say he'd smile...

[jacq10]

flowers.... they say it all. they say you care, but don't cross boundaries if you will. In my experience anyways .... I love flowers.

[timeforsleep]

Good idea! I have had two different Ts surprise me with a gift on our last sessions. I felt bad I did not think to give them anything but it made me feel loved. Nothing seems to be unethical about it so I say go for it.

[darkeyes]

I wish I could say, but unfortunately mine refused mine the week I was moving to another state with hubbie's relo,it hurt me soooooooooooo much, I drove home in tears.
After I moved I saw a female T after a couple of years she was retiring and told me within the network I can request one of the other Ts to continue with, she gladly took one of the scarves I was making at the time, sort of like a little extra "self-therapy",when I brought my collection for her to see, I told her to pick one out for herself, and she did and told me she'll always think of me when she uses it.
Now rather she meant it or not, it was a good feeling, unlike the hurt of the T I had been seeing previous to my move, he really became mean for no reason when I told him I decided to go along with hubby with the company relo which I wasn't going to originally.
To your question, I'm mixed on saying "yes" or "don't"
after the hurt the first T caused me, and then the nice,warm, experience with the lady that retired.
The one that hurt me, claimed that it's part of a therapists code of ethics they are to follow,etc.
I wish you luck with whatever you decide.

[sunrise]

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darkeyes said:
The one that hurt me, claimed that it's part of a therapists code of ethics they are to follow,etc.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">I've decided I don't agree with that. If a therapist doesn't want to accept gifts, I think they should have their own reason rather than some generic code. For you darkeyes, it was your last time seeing this T, a way of saying thank you, and it's not like this gift would curry you special favor with your T because you wouldn't ever be seeing him again. I think his refusal to accept your heartfelt gift was an error and lacked class. Didn't his mama teach him manners? I'm sorry you got hurt by that.

I know my T has accepted a gift before because I saw a big bunch of flowers in his office once, obviously from earlier in the day. I could just picture a grateful client or couple giving him the flowers as a way of saying thank you. Maybe it was their last session and he had helped put their marriage back together. Who knows? But something worthy of their thanks and a gift! I think it speaks well of him that he had the grace to accept.

Dustin, I am not sure I would ever give my T a birthday or holiday gift (he doesn't celebrate Christmas), but I would surely consider giving him a parting gift, or a special thank you gift after a major accomplishment (like when my divorce is final). I think you should go with what your heart says. I think a card with a heartfelt note is always appropriate.

[darkeyes]

((((((((((( sunrise ))))))))
sunrise, I didn't agree with that either, especially the very non ethical things he'd say in some of our sessions.
When I look back, I realize he needs therapy!!!

I am glad the lady T, I had after I moved, accepted my going away gift, when her and her hubby were retiring,moving out of state. In one of our sessions when I told her of the former T's comment, she said it was hurtful the way he handled it, and a T can accept something like a "good bye" and/or "thank you" gift, she has over the years.
I guess he was being a schmuck, ha!ha!
I agree with you about holiday gifts vs goodbyes or thank you gifts. I think holiday kinds may make he or she feel obligated or uncomfortable.
Then again, I have no idea what the poster's relationship is with their T.
I just hate to see anyone be made to hurt the way I did that day, 7yrs ago.
Just my 2 cents

(((((((((( everyone on this thread ))))))))))))

[(JD)]

A good way to view this is don't ask, don't tell. You can give your T anything you wish, it's the way you give it that will determine if he/she accepts it.

Ethics plays a huge part in this. If the gift is expensive, you can't give it and have them unwrap it and blush and keep it. You would have to give it anonymously. Sure T will be able to figure out who gave it, but if you never admit it directly, the T can't give it "back."

Be prepared for when giving personal gifts that they might not keep them. This includes items you make for them. So don't embarrass them later or the next year asking how they like it! This includes those expensive cards you might buy... might go into the trash at the office, though very much appreciated.

Don't ask, don't tell... yes that is the best way to enjoy gift giving to Ts at the holidays!

I am going to give my T a 45 foot tall painting of me.

we always have these running little jokes that tie into a specific movie... so i'm getting him the collector's edition and some nice choclates because i know he has a weakness for them

i'm not going to be elaborate about it. i'll drop them off between sessions and i'm leaving a xmas cake for the secretary. This isn't some kind of fetish thing for him, this is just what i do. My pdoc got a painting last year, liqueur the year before.

and there is a cultural thing here which *should not* be ignored by any T... where i come from it is a deeply rooted tradition that one gives gifts to certain people... doctors, nurses, lawyers, etc... as a token of gratitude. Generally those gifts are homemade, and usually are food. It is rooted in the early settlers there, who were very poor and often could only pay for services through items like gifts of food or other basics. It was all they had. To reject a gift like that would be deeply insulting.

and another point is that the gift is given freely, without expectation. In fact, to reciprocate would be a little demeaning to the gift giver. The point was it is a representation of giving of the very little one has.. to give a gift in return would negate that.

i guess i will have to explain that to my T.. soon. He seems like the type who would accept a small reasonable gift... but i have to make sure he understands it's significance to my culturally.

[darkeyes]

Mine, to him was just a little natural rutilated quartz pyramid, we had talked a few times about my interest in various rocks and minerals, it was nothing of a big deal,nor was it wrapped or anything, I left it on his table (his practice was in his little farmhouse home)without telling him, at my last appt. he figured it was I and told me that it wasn't right to do.
He thought one of his child clients forgot it and asked him if it was his, the kid said "no", he said he felt embarrassed.
That was lame, cause his clients never saw me or knew me, so how would they had known where it was from?
Oh, I don't know but it seemed more than that he was annoyed at, one me claiming I wasn't going to go with hubby's re-lo and then I did, and I guess when I told him he was a "cool dude" that also turned him off.
Long story, but my point was that one may need thought and even caution when thinking about giving their T's gifts, cause the outcome may be painful.
Hopefully I was just one of those it's happened to and others will be more lucky with gifting.

[Gracey]

I think honestly, it depends on the gift.

Ask yourself some questions as you're thinking about this.
Would you spend more on your T than on your spouse? Parent? Sibling?
Would you "die" if they refused it? If that answer is yes, then I say don't give a gift b/c you are too closely attached to accept a "thank you, but no" type of answer.

Some suggestions would be for things that they can USE!!! Books are always popular, espeically if they have some significant meaning for your therapuetic relationship. One therapist I had I turned on to Dan Allendar. Over the years, I gave him several of Allendar's books. My last therpaist and I shared a passion of photography, and when he left the practice, I gave him a framed print of mine that I knew he liked. It is hanging in his current office now. I would NEVER ever give a therapist of the opposite sex flowers. Too much to read in between the lines. Books, CD's, things you have created during your healing process. . .if you know they like a particular restaurant, a gift certificate is nice, but be sure to make it in an amount large enough that they can take their spouse.

When I was doing my internship at ECU, I had a client give me this huge box for Christmas. Inside of it were 2 dozen legal pads, a box of pencils, a box of pens, and a "Freudian type" pipe. I rolled laughing. I'm a serious note taker, bu I abhor Freud. She got the joke, and passed it on.

[lauren_helene]

Last year, I gave my T and his Office Manager some good coffee. I gave it to his office manager who was very appreciative and so was T.

I think I asked once or maybe twice if they tried it and they just said no not yet. I didn't ask anymore after that.

I have ideas for this year but I'm hesitating a bit and thinking about whether to go there this year. However, at the end, when I'm done, I plan to give him my family's traditional pasta gravy and meatball recipe...we were talking food one day and he asked what was in it and I said...oh no buddy...we don't give that to just anyone so we'll have to wait and see....

I've never given it out and he is the only person that I would give it to. It is my great grandmother's recipe...very special to me as he is...

I would say though that each should do what they feel is right!

[Perna]

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pinksoil said:
I am going to give my T a 45 foot tall painting of me.

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But don't give it secretly, he won't be able to figure out who it's from!

[Perna]

http://www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/117000.html

darkeyes... that's a shame.. especially the story about the kid. That has counter-transference written all over it! He should not tell you things like that.. *his* embarrassment is *his* problem. It's just plain wrong that he told you and did so in a way that was geared to make you feel bad because he felt bad. Bad form all around. That's totally his stuff.

from what i read a while ago, it seems it's more of the traditional psychoanalytic analytic types who object the most... wonder if i can find the article/website. They seemed to be more into the "why" of it all. i mean.. can't a gift just be a nice gesture? dang.

i tested it out... i brought T a little chocolate snowman. He thanked me, quite happily in fact, and tucked into his desk drawer... when i looked a little disappointed that he didn't just eat it he said "well, it's Lindt right?" i nodded "then i am saving it for one of those moments when i really want chocolate."

[drummergrl]

Dustin:
You're grasping at straws here, son. I fear you think you will get the "reaction" you've been wanting since last summer????............and I just don't want you to be hurt if she doesn't do it!!! I think you're looking for ways to get her
to HUG you. You would like nothing more than for her to throw her arms around you and coddle you. That's NOT going to happen, Dustin. I don't mean to be so cynical about this, but YOU are putting yourself in harms way. As a
rule therapists don't usually expect a gift , nor do they GIVE
one to their clients. They don't want someone else's feelings to be hurt should they find out. It's very thoughtful that you'd like to show her your appreciation and all, but leave it at that. A nice Christmas card will do. I've been there Dustin............and got an negative responce one time.
I know all therapists aren't alike, but that fine gray line they draw between us will always be there. They "care" about you, but they DON'T love you!!!! Be realistic about this now and save yourself alot of grief later.

How are you doing in school? Made plans for your make-up exam yet? You need to be concentrating on that, too. I think she would be more grateful and pleased if you brought her an A, or a B on that. That's the best gift you could give her. It would certainly show her that you are progressing and trying hard to succeed.

Take care and good luck with whatever you decide.
drmr

[krazibean]

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drummergrl said:

They "care" about you, but they DON'T love you!!!!

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that is so hard to see. my therapist always tells me she cares about me, but i know that it will never be any more than that and i will never hear that she loves me. but, in order to care about someone, truly, there has to be an element of love somewhere doesn't there????? i always thought caring and love sorta tied together. i don't know, loving someone when they don't love you back is so hard to face...

[tulips30]

No Way............can any of us define "love". There are infinate ways to love. People even talk about "loving" a certain type of heel on a shoe or color of paint. You get the point.

It's probably safe to assume that we're talking about romantic feelings here. It might be helpful when discussing feelings t's have for us and us for them if we differentiate "love" as each of us has a different interpretation. Perhaps saying t's don't have romantic feelings for us instead of t's don't love us might help.

Does this make sense?

[drummergrl]

Hi Krazibean:
I think you're confusing love with a less affectionate term here. I once told my T in the hospital where I was locked up for several weeks, that I loved her. She looked at me and said " oh, that's nice to hear" !!! My jaw dropped to the floor. I had spent all that time in her care closely dialoguing
with her to only have her retort.........." gee, that's nice.....".
That's what I mean by Dustin getting his hopes so high with his T. She ISN'T going to tell him she loves him. He is again setting himself up to be disappointed.
By the way, my heart was crushed when that was said to me, and I felt like a fool. After I got out and went home I was miserable without her. I thought we had grown so close by then, only to have it pushed back in my face. I learned the hard way that " I love you" doesn't mean a diddly
doo with T's. You are better off using your love for more precious things in your life. To me it seems like it's a game to them and they draw you in to be close to them so they can have the overall advantage. You need me. You need to confide in me. You need to trust me!!!! Get what I mean?................can you top this????....................It's pretty sad when it happens as you are already vunerable at the time of admittance. So don't try to tell me that love from a T is anything less than what it is............it's not a G.D. thing!!!
He's too young to understand right now. But I am trying to protect him from himself by showing him the REAL world, not the one he THINKS he wants!!!
By the by, after a few weeks at home I didn't call my hospital
therapist anymore, and you know what............I don't miss her after all. But I learned from that and the next one who tried to reel me in got a big surprise!
In the early 80's I met my REAL therapist at a chapter of Parents Anonymous and we spent 17 years intermittingly
with each other in private therapy. Meaning on and off. She
basically " reparented" me and stayed with me through all
those horrible first years!!! Now, we are cordial, but we can't
be friends. That's the fine line I talk about. It has to remain
on those terms. They have to be able to help you w/o being
involved. The same as DOCTORS. Think about it!
To answer your question about love and caring being of the same quality................NO! not in the eyes of a professional.
Caring and loving are two different things.

[tsha]

I believe Ts are caring and compassionate. They couldn't do what they do and love us too...they would be a wreck.