Couch 208: The Practical Couch

LT-ask him what “too needy” is...have him clarify just like with his emails. Wasn’t there something with red, yellow, green...

Well, being needy is a problem for you above all. It means something’s off in your life and you can’t get whatever it is you need from its current construction. And using a therapist to fill those needs is not a good long-term solution. (See: MC, Ex.) It’s like having a fever from an infection and just taking Tylenol instead of antibiotics.

It seems like your daughter is the biggest source of stress in your life right now. I know you’ve mentioned a couple Facebook support groups for kids with autism. Could you reach out to them for support now? Or maybe find like an in-person group? Doesn’t even have to be autism, just parents of kids with special needs.

(Or maybe even the Healthy Parenting forum on here could offer some support.)

I’m sitting in the hair salon waiting to get my hair cut. Some form of self care is needed. My eating has been total crap and therefore my skin looks like total crap so maybe my hairdresser can work wonders on my out of control hair.

LT, are you guys trying to stop your daughter's bedtime activities? Cant you just tell her bedtime is earlier now so she has time for everything, or something like that? I mean, what exactly do you need T for? Im not following...

Yep, he has the green, yellow, red. I recently sent him something and said I hoped it didn't put me in the red. He replied "No, not in the red " (with the smiley emoji). He said recently that I've been sending him emails that are really easy to answer (and only like every 10 days or more), so he hasn't thought at all about charging me for time (if under 15 minutes, he doesn't charge, unless it's like 3 in a week or something). But I imagine at one point, I will end up with more needs, because that's how life goes. Not in terms of email (as then he'd just charge me), but in other stuff. And that's what I worry about--will he be OK with that? Because...being rejected when I'm especially needy will hurt much worse than if I'm at a "green" level of need...

Oh, not trying to stop "activities." The night in question, for about an hour and a half, till 10:30 pm, getting really upset, crying, screaming, not wanting comfort/support from me or H, refusing to go to bed. Finally would only go to sleep in bedroom with H (she wanted nothing to do with me) The past 2 nights, she's gone to bed just fine, reasonable time, in her room, by herself (I did tuck her in). I have no issue if, say, she goes to her room at bedtime and opts to read, or play with the Kindle Fire (as long as not too late), or whatever. Or even if she does the thing mentioned above. It's the getting really upset, sobbing, screaming, refusing to go to bed for an hour or more that's the challenge. And we're trying to work with P to find out what's going on there. Like, she's clearly in distress, it's not just age-appropriate refusing bedtime. There's something else going on. That's what we're trying to figure out.

Yes, I might try reaching out to them more for support. I do have a local friend I met through one of those groups who has 2 kids on the spectrum, and we met for lunch Friday, which was good (spent most of it talking about our kids). There is a local autism group, so maybe I should go to one of their events, too. And I'm hoping having D in therapy now will help, too.

Hey new couch. Hold my spot I'll be back to crash later.

My sister's probably going to get my nieces back by Christmas! And we're going to have Christmas breakfast at her house (my H included)!

L got back to me the next day. Something happened and she didn't see my email. She thought it was weird too that she didn't see an email from me. All is well now.

I feel like I can't even talk to H about anything. Tried showing him the christmas list I've been keeping track of what I've bought and what the kids still want/need. His response was a random sound. I feel like hes mad at me over this CPS thing like it's my fault. Thankfully he's driving his brother out of state tomorrow to go live with his husband and he'll be gone all day

I just applied to go back to college! I'm so nervous! If I get approved, I'm only going to take one class for this semester: online sociology. I "think" I only need 4 more classes to get my AA: sociology, us history (2 semesters), and updating my computer class. I haven't been in school for at least 12 years! I'm scared, but it's online, right? Can't be too bad.

That's great, Scarlet! I took sociology to fulfill a general ed requirement a few semesters ago and enjoyed it. Personally, I like online classes and have done well in them. However, from the dire warnings handed down by most of my professors for my online classes at the beginning of the semester, "online classes aren't for everyone and take a lot of self discipline." I don't know about the lot of discipline part because I have very little. But I think if you find the topic interesting, you don't necessarily need to have any more discipline than for an on campus course. You'll actually find the course interesting and won't be avoidant about engaging with it. Self discipline doesn't have to be a driving factor in that case.

Anyway, I hope you are accepted and are able to get a spot in the sociology class.

I've been putting together a unit on metaphysical poetry tonight. I think I sprained my brain.

Thanks! My reason for an online course is because I'm too afraid to be in a classroom. I'm overweight and nearsighted, so I feel like I'll be blocking the poor people behind me. And then when I was at the college, they had those stupid individual desks, which I know I won't be able to fit into at this point. So if they still have those desks, I'll be assigned a special normal table to sit at. Just all in all embarrassing. I'll never be able to concentrate!

I've taken two self-paced/online courses in the past: computers and algebra. Both are easy subjects for me. I have so many classes "under my belt". I think I'm only missing the 4 I mentioned above in order to get an AA in psychology. After I get that, I might go after child development. That would be nice to have. Then I could work with children.

I'm hoping sociology will be a good class for me.

Hey, Scarlet.

I don't know much about the American system, but I wouldn't think they'd use the individual desks any more, because it would be an inclusivity nightmare. People using wheelchairs and such wouldn't be able to engage. I hope your course goes well.

This is a mind-bogglingly non-therapeutic response.

Your needs are for you to consider, attend to, and explore. He is describing his needs - how he needs you to behave in order to remain palatable to him. The idea of needs being characterised as monstrous (tiny or otherwise) is really alarming. Recognising and responding to your needs is a really healthy development and it does not fit with the idea that only a certain level of need is appropriate. Managing your needs is an important part of this development, including what happens when your needs can't be met, but this is not dependent on what he decides is appropriate for you or not. Of course, he will maintain his boundaries, but that maintenance must be a way to protect his boundary and not diminish your needs.

Really, I am amazed by his stupidity (and not for the first time). By contrast, my therapist (who by god I know is not without her problems of approach) will not entertain my use of the word "needy" because it is loaded and judgmental. "Needy is negative. It is not needy to have needs".

... And I think it is particularly problematic for a male therapist to be encouraging a female client to contain herself for fear that she might become monstrous. You don't have to be a man-hating old crone like me (or unaluna) to understand the feminist interpretation of that dynamic.

Well, slightly to his credit, he acknowledged that "needy" was not the right word to be using. But it did make me feel pretty bad. I may be talking to him about it today and also the feelings of shame that came up from our conversation. Shame that I'm, according to him, looking for certain things in the wrong places--"wrong tree." It was a conversation that quickly went from insightful and validating (that he understands why I'm looking for certain things, if I didn't/still don't get them from my parents) to leading me to feel shame. I'm sure that wasn't his intention.

But yeah, it did seem more about *his* comfort with my needs vs. my comfort. I understand he has to have boundaries. Like, even if I feel the need for a hug from him, I know he's not willing to give it (it's a blanket rule he has for clients that he told me on day 1, not just me). And that's OK. And I get that I may feel a need to contact him at 2 a.m., but I know he will have his phone turned off (or probably be p***ed if he left it on). But I also want to be able to talk about those wants/needs without having to worry so much about his feelings or for him to have to say stuff like "I'm not a touchy-feely person in regular life either." Like, OK, whatever, I don't care if you're a hugger, but I'd want to talk about what it's about for me that I want that. (I don't actually want to hug him, this just seemed an easy example.)

And there's other stuff I want to talk about, like I feel the nature of my fantasies about him have shifted some, but I'm sure that would freak him the hell out. (He's fine with my saying I sometimes have sexual thought about him, saying we can't control those and everyone has them.) I was sort of amazed he didn't run out the room when I told him about the paternal dream I had about him the other night, where he was on my couch reading a book to me. But he also doesn't put much stock in dreams... Though he asked me questions about how my recent dream involving ex-MC made me feel, so...

I just feel like I've been trying to keep the therapeutic relationship out of it since going back 2 months ago, and I feel the therapy has been quite effective since then, lots of good insights, getting along well, etc. But at some point, I need to discuss the relationship. Or else then I'm suppressing *that* need for his comfort or for fear of rocking the boat...

I hadn't thought of that angle...he can seem a tad sexist at times, but I just ignore it. Well, I call him out on it occasionally.

Oh, we use the little desks still. Most classrooms have the table Scarlet mentioned. Students with mobility issues use them, overweight students, left handed students (desks are almost all right handed).

Newer classrooms are all tables now, but most universities don’t have the money to rip out old seats and replace them en masse. (Though they might if they didn’t spend so much on university administrator salaries or new student amenities. )

Wow...that seems bizarre to me, but thanks for the explanation.

Oh, couch. What on Earth is wrong with me?

Last night the former mentor I'm staying with (for whom I've been feeling all these maternal longings) noticed that I was looking melancholic and asked what was wrong, if she could help. I asked her to sit next to me for a while, leaned my head against her shoulder, let her stroke my hair.

I felt next to nothing. This kind of care is what I've longed for and yet when I it was given to me it I felt empty.

What the hell is wrong with me?

I don't think there's anything wrong with you- just that struggling with depression day in and day out drains the heck out of you making it harder to feel .

I think it says alot about your relationship when you feel so much better when they're not there.

That's great! I loved sociology and anything psychology related. Hence why I'm now doing my Masters in psychology/mental health. Mine is all online, one class at a time. I don't think I could handle more.