Couch 208: The Practical Couch

I got a reminder this morning for my psychiatrist appointment on Monday. I think I don't want to go and should reschedule. The pharmacy hasn't filled my prescription yet so I've been off something this whole week. Plus this week I also I know that's what they're there for but I worry he'll

Amy (EMDR/DBT therapist) and I were literally just talking about needs yesterday, specifically in terms of outside contact, and I even used the word "monster" to describe myself (half-jokingly.) She said that DBT has different treatment targets, and life-threatening behaviors are the first level, followed by therapy-interfering behaviors. She said that in DBT, the client and the therapist both have the ability to bring up treatment-interfering behaviors, and she gave the example of a client who she felt wanted more from her outside session than she could reasonably provide. But she very much took a "Hey, this isn't going to be sustainable for our relationship in the long term, what can we do to work together to change this?" approach. It's the same basic idea -- how can you [the client] get your needs met when people [like the therapist] have limits -- but the power dynamic and level of judgment the client likely felt are totally different.

I feel compassion for Dr. T because I think you are bumping up against his own limits/issues as a human, not even necessarily his training as a therapist. What, exactly, does one DO with emotions that are bigger than they know what to do with? I know the usual list of healthy coping strategies, but it seems like his implicit message is that you should somehow be able to make the feelings go away so they don't bother other people. That is likely how he treats himself and other people in his life too.

Ugh. So relatable. I have a sister-in-law who is significantly older and very maternal/big sisterly, and I want nothing more than for her to pay attention to me and care for me. But then the last time I was at her house, she put a blanket on me when I was lying on the couch, and it kind of made me want to scream and run out the front door. Which is... not normal.

I want to leave work it’s not like I’m doing anything today anyway.

Uuuuuuugh

Thanks, EM. I do get the sense that this is a limitation in his non-therapist life as well, from some things he's said. Like, when the whole conflict happened with my wanting him to stand when I leave (which he always does now...despite it being a huge NOPE before), he said how he doesn't like to be controlled or have people tell him what to do, and that applies to other people in his outside life as well.

The thing is, I often try various coping strategies (OK, I've been bad with the exercise component lately!), and he knows that. I never go right to contacting him. I recall once saying that if I'm sitting on the couch sobbing, doing a downward dog (yoga pose) isn't going to help me. He agreed, saying then the tears would just fall on the floor instead of my lap. And I reach out to friends, but I also worry about burning them out. Or I post on here. Sometimes talking to H helps. Or distraction techniques, like TV, listening to music, maybe one of those painting classes. But the problem with distraction is, it just pushes things away temporarily. Sometimes it's enough and the bad feelings go away. But other times, all I'm doing is pushing them from, say, 2 p.m. to 11 p.m., when my options in coping strategies are much more limited.

The thing is...what you say about his saying that I should just make the feelings go away or keep them inside--that seems quite a bit like the message I got as a child. So I'm not sure how that's helping me now...I want therapy to be a safe place where I can share pretty much anything (obviously not, like physically threaten him or something), where all feelings and emotions are safe. But I'm not so sure about that...I mean, even with ex-MC, it was all safe for a long time, until suddenly, it wasn't...

I am super impressed by all the coping strategies you use and how hard you try (the duck paddling furiously thing). I completely relate to the echoes of childhood emotional neglect, and I am not totally sure what the answer is either. I have been working on self-compassion (after watching , which I still can't believe actually helped), and I have found EMDR helpful for learning to tolerate emotions and reducing reactivity. But still, geez. It's hard! And it seems like Dr. T might not know exactly what to do with intense emotions and/or naturally sensitive people either.

Well, today's session ended up being pretty intense. And I shared something I hadn't really intended to today, how I'd had the thought of "I love you" cross through my head when I left the other day. And I said not romantically, more like I just felt really appreciative of what he'd given me that day. That it was something I'd needed. Then I started sobbing with my hands over my eyes and said, "Please don't make me leave..." (I feel like I could have been a training video for "clients with anxious/preoccupied attachment"). He said he wouldn't and was really understanding about all of it. Including that I pulled the word "love" because there are only so many words to describe that feeling. That it was probably about his having given me something I'd needed that day. When we were wrapping up, he said he imagined we weren't done talking about the "I love you" thought bubble. I said probably not, and that I liked the idea of it being a cartoon thing popping up above my head. He made a "poof!" sound and smiled. I said I'd probably stress about it until I see him Tuesday.


As I was leaving, as he shook my hand, he told me he hoped I could have a good weekend and that i wouldn't stress about things too much. That "all is well here." I said I'd do my best. He did give me a "take care," too.

There was a lot more in that session, too--might write it up later.

I fear I have killed the couch...Appreciate the hugs though!


(Apparently I even have anxious attachment to the couch...)

Ah, the couch is un-killable ...lol

I'm feeling so much better today physically

Hi everyone! Ugh. I have a migraine. I'm exhausted. And I have a problem at work. The problem is with another employee who happens to be married to the General Manager. So yeah, I can't go to him about it because he's not going to be unbiased. I would go directly to the other employee, that would be my preference, but my dealings with her in the past have led to major passive/aggressive behavior on her end towards me when I tried to talk to her about what I needed from her in order to do my job effectively. Which wasn't by the way, different than what I needed from any other employee. But she threw a fit and the big boss at the time (this was before the business sold) decided she didn't have to do what everyone else had to do and she made my life a living hell! So I debated about how to approach it, or even if to approach it and face the wrath that was sure to come my way. I talked to my parents about it last night, and my former boss. Then today I talked to the one person in the organization that I absolutely trust to not talk to anyone else about it, and get his opinion on how to handle it. I still didn't know, so I skyped one of the owners and asked when she was coming to CA again. She said she didn't know. She was like, do you need me? I was like of course! I always need you! But I told her a little bit about the problem without mentioning names or specifics. So she asked to call me and I agreed. I just shut my office door for privacy. So she came up with three or four different ways it could be handled and she wants to think about it some more before she decides what is the best way to go. She told me not to worry. (Ha!) I just want it to be the end of the day, so it could be the weekend. So I don't have to think about this tomorrow. I'm sure I'll think about it on Sunday because it's back to work on Monday. Ugh I feel like crap. And it's such a little issue but it's an example of a larger systemic issue that we have at our organization, which is now complicated by the fact that this person is married to the General Manager. I just want to roll up in the corner and disappear. HUGS Kit

Yeah!!!! So good to hear @Polibeth!! Kit

OK, good! And glad to hear you're feeling better!

I went for a massage today. My first massage therapist is back in the studio, the one from a couple years ago who let me sob my way through my massages and just talked me through it: what my body was doing, releasing the trauma energy. She told me I look good, happy. I realized when I had today's massage (with my excellent "new" massage therapist) that I am so much more attuned to my body, where the energy is stored, the connections and tensions and where I need to let go.

AND...I didn't need my jaw massaged. I am constantly gritting my teeth during the day and while I sleep. My jaw is always sore and in need of massage. The ex moved out and apparently the jaw-clenching stopped. I didn't even notice, it just plain stopped without my realizing.

It still feels weird.
(Like...is this real? It is. But is it? Yes, it still is.)

I was keeping quiet because I wanted to launch into another "Keep him away! Keep your distance!" diatribe. Apparently I even have avoidant impulses by proxy...

I'm so glad to hear that you're feeling good! Transitions can be hard, especially complicated ones like divorce, and I'm glad things are moving in the right direction for you.

How did you get more attuned to your body? I realized during PT yesterday that my disconnection from my body and myself might be why my back pain has been lingering for months and months. What helped you, besides ?

One of my son's got suspended today for being disrespectful to his teacher this entire week. I'm over it. I dont know what else to do. This CPS thing feels like my worst nightmare coming true. I want to SH so badly.

So my Grandma called today and was really upset that I haven't been staying in bed. She threatened to come pick me up and take me to her house for several weeks to force me to stay in bed. I love her but she's freaking out. I decided not to tell her that I'm planning on going to work next week.

Sorry SheHulk - you've got so much on your plate.....hugs

I think the trick was regular maintenance. I was visiting the chiropractor weekly and then biweekly for a while, and I still go monthly for a tune-up.

Monthly massages with an excellent massage therapist who accepted and worked with the emotional and spiritual pieces that I brought into the massage room. For a while I purposely scheduled therapy sessions close to my massages so that I could process what I'd stored up in my body. I went to yoga for a while too around that time, and the stretching and movement forced me to feel where I was physically stuck, which in hindsight correlated quite closely with where I was emotionally stuck.

I feel like I'm mentally drowning lately. Send help.

HUGS @SheHulk07

I’m in a bad place couch. Idk if anyone read my post on IST, but that just happened. So I’m on my way home from therapy and I called my husband and told him that I’ve been feeling really suicidal since yesterday and I’m thinking about possibly going to the hospital. I thought it would be a good idea to share with him but wow I was wrong. He just finally stopped screaming at me and is just talking. We can’t afford the hospital and so he’s calling me selfish, says I only think about myself, I don’t care about him. He asked me if this means I should start a new life, if I even want to be with him. He said if I go inpatient then everything is going downhill. He said he feels I’m not important to him. He said “you probably just need a fresh start, to start over somewhere.” He said there’s no light at the end of the tunnel and “I guess this is our life now.” He said I don’t care at all about him and the dogs; that I just run to inpatient because it’s easy. He said I just want a 3-4 day break and I’m not thinking about him. I’m selfish. He said I don’t think about him or anyone else or the consequences because I lost my job once over being in the hospital and the debt from my treatment is on “all his credit cards.” He acts like I just want to go inpatient because it’s fun, he doesn’t understand that it’s literally a last resort and I fight so hard to avoid it every day. And when I tell him that or that I do care about him, he calls me a liar and says he doesn’t believe me.

I even emailed my t saying I’m really really suicidal, I told my husband and he’s screaming at me and I don’t know what to do. And nothing yet. I don’t think he’ll even see it because he’s done for the weekend. Oh well.

HUGS @SummerTime12 I'm so sorry your husband screamed at you and wasn't at all supportive of you. Here you are trying to do the best you can to stay safe and your husband can't even seem to hear how much you are hurting right now. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry your T didn't hear you either. I hope you can hang in there and do whatever you need to do to keep yourself safe. HUGS Kit

I'm feeling depressed atm. I think it is the work stuff getting to me. I'm trying to not think about it and maybe I shouldn't have even brought it up to the owner, it's just that I don't get why someone would go out of their way to not tell me something that is critical for me to know but tells another person who is then supposed to tell me. So childish. Just bring me into the conversation and talk to me. I wish I had my old boss so I would have someone to talk to about it. I can still talk to her about it, she just can't help me with it. I miss having a boss in the next office where I could go to if I was having a problem. The people in NY try to be responsive to me but sometimes it doesn't feel like enough. And I'm a worrier so I think about things in my head over and over and over. =( Kit

I have an appointment with Info Tuesday. Presuming she’s bothered to write it down.

I am considering whether to tell her to take a long walk off a short pier, or not.

(She’s not charging for the session because of her screw up, so I wouldn’t be paying for the privilege of telling her that.)