Couch 208: The Practical Couch

Couch mini poll:

In the state of NJ..all text messages, emails, recorded phone conversations and social media posts can be used against you in court-if you are ever there.

Let’s say for example you just had an argument with someone then the person you had the argument with posts the following on social media:

“Every once in awhile I get in a mood to be an asshole version of myself. Over the years I have been reserved but people are testing me lately and I’m not one they should be testing”

Would you consider that threatening to you?

True, I've refused to show her ones last time I went. I'm not sure whether to show her today or not. I have T tonight so I'll tell him about it.

If your therapist emails you to cancel today's session, do you respond to the email letting them know you received it or not respond? I mean, it doesn't technically require a response, but does it seem rude or passive-aggressive to not respond?

I usually respond with something generic like, "Thanks for letting me know, hope you're feeling better soon." But I think that's optional and would not be rude or passive-aggressive to not respond.

Do you feel like you're getting pulled into wanting to take care of him? It seems like you've been really worried about him and his feelings lately, which is totally understandable, especially if his messiness has been spilling over on you a little with the way he has been conducting himself as a therapist. It just seems like you're trying to take care of him and make him feel competent when that is 100% not your job. (And believe me, I totally understand how it can happen!)

I generally reply in the same way as EM. After I've let myself have my feelings.

I don't know. I probably wouldn't take it all that seriously unless I knew the person had a history of violence or something like that. HUGS Kit

I don't know if I'd call it wanting to take care of him, but I do consider his feelings. I know it's not my responsibility to do so, but I don't know how I would turn that off. I'm human, he's human, we have a human relationship and that's how I would behave in other relationships. Maybe it is wanting to take care of him, but whatever you call it, that feeling has been there for some time now.

Pdoc appointment tonight. For some reason I'm kind of nervous/anxious. I don't know why. Maybe it's because it is the last time I can see him under my insurance. (Next year he is going to cash only.) I need to find out how to make an appointment at his new office and stuff. =( Kit

I would consider being told that my conversations were being taped as a threat but I wouldn't consider the "every once in a while…" thing to be a threat at all

Thanks. The argument wasn’t recorded. And in NJ you don’t have to tell the person you are recording the conversation as long as you are party to it. But the Facebook post I’m questioning was posted by the person right after the argument so that’s why I was curious if it could be taken as a threat.

I also tend to reply similarly.

I’ve been feeling so frustrated with my writing project (feeling dumb and lazy and generally like a terrible stupid person) but my advisor just sent me an email saying “nice work!” I’m all smiley inside

Depends on context. If its a potential mass shooter, maybe you say something?

I completely understand. I remember with ex-MC, when I found out about his wife being sick, I expressed something about caring about him. And he said if I cared about him, it meant he'd done something wrong because therapy is supposed to be one-directional. But I said I'm just a caring person in general, so why wouldn't I care about someone I spent an hour a week with? Ex-T agreed that it was natural to care. I felt some desire to take care of him during that as well, but didn't really share that.

Now with Dr. T, the "take care of him" thing just comes out occasionally, one time being early summer when he said he'd been out one day for a funeral (though he ended up coming in that morning to see me, I think?) And seeing that he hasn't been wearing his wedding ring for a long time (and from, uh, some other info I may have found...), I get the sense he's going through a divorce or at least separated. And part of me wants to sort of support him with that, but I doubt he'd even be honest with me about it if that's what's going on.


And at one point, maybe 6 months into seeing him, I mentioned caring about him, and he was like, "You can't care about me, you don't even know me!" That came up again earlier this year, and he said that he now realizes that I might not know him in his outside life, but I still know quite a few things about him, so he understands and accepts the caring about him now.


Therapy is such a strange relationship. I can't think of any other place where you can be so open and honest and vulnerable with another human being, but they're not the same with you. It can be confusing and frustrating and painful.

I'm nervous as all heck right now at my doctor's office. I'll post about it in the self injury forum.

My T replied to me like an hour ago, saying that he normally replies to emails in the mornings, but was unable to this morning. And apologized for the delay, adding that he was sorry if it caused me stress (he knows me well!) So now seeing him Friday (already scheduled), Monday (added), and Wednesday (already scheduled)--next week is Thanksgiving, so he's off Thursday/Friday. Was a relief hearing from him (I was starting to be concerned something had happened to him--he always replies within 24 hours, usually in the morning), but his tone seemed pretty business-like, but that's OK, sounds like he had a busy day.


We saw D's T, P, a couple hours ago, just me and H. She was supposed to see D on Tuesday (with H), but today said she had to cancel as she's going out of town last minute, which is a bit annoying--this after getting us like 25 minutes late...at least it was just me and H today, as D would have been going nuts. I've gotten spoiled by Dr. T always being so prompt (he apologizes if he's like 5 minutes late, which is rare) that I've forgotten what it was like always having to wait on ex-MC. Then she ended with us right at 45 minutes, which is fine, but was a bit abrupt. I'm sort of questioning seeing her a bit now, like wondering how much she's really helping D/us, but figure we'll give it till the end of the year, then consider if we might want to try someone else.

I don't find that threatening. There isn't the slightest indication of them saying they are going to do something illegal to harm a person who is "testing" them. I don't think it's a threat in a legal sense unless the action being threatened is illegal. This is just someone making a passive aggressive post to make themselves feel better. If they wanted to make a threat, they would do it instead of hiding behind vague, passive aggressive whining on social media.

I would confirm receipt. When the receptionist has called and left a message to let me know a session has been canceled, she has called back until I pick up or asked me to call back and confirm that I received the message. It's kind of annoying. However, I guess they just want to make sure you got the message and that they don't need to try to reach you another way so you don't show up to no therapist and no session.

Probably only in retrospect, without naming or tagging someone.

Correlation isn’t causation.

Hey couchies. In my new role nobody acknowledged my birthday. It's entirely possible that nobody knew it's my birthday. At my previous post there would have been a party, a banner, and a card. It's always embarrassed me but I guess I missed it today.

My oldest came to town and took me out for lunch. My youngest is making dinner. I had a very non-busy day. I can't explain why I'm anxious but I am. Shrug.

Hope you all have a wonderful evening, hugs and head-nods all around.

Hasn’t she only seen D a few times? I imagine kids’ therapy, especially with autism, can take just as long or even longer than adult therapy.

2ex’s parents used to pull him from therapy after a few sessions if he didn’t immediately change or they didn’t like something innocuous the therapist did or said. It did a real number on him—he’d feel safe and it would be jerked away.

Happy Birthday, Stressed!

Thanks everyone who answered my question..so majority rules no..it isn’t really a threat.

Okay. I need to let this go then.

I have to take my daughter to the next major town 5 hours away for the ex inlaws 65th wedding anniversary i dont really want to go but no one will fly her down and i will be gone for 4 days and the pet sitter works full time and i dont feel it is a good idea to leave the animals all day in a house with fans and windows open in 35degC heat. I mean they are in the house mostly when i am here but i let them out and check their water bowls regularly. I am thinking of putting a 7 litre cooking pot with water out while the sitter is here. My daughter says things will be ok so ia m guessing its my lack of enthusiasm for the trip more than anything

If D likes her..you may want to keep her around a bit. You know? D really took to her, right?