Waiting on T to return

Nevermind. They emailed me to confirm the appointment.

Good to hear. It’s hard to learn to be patient.

Hang in there Hope. HUGS Kit

Hugs hope hang in there

I don’t think I can go. My anxiety is horrible. I can’t do this.

You can do this. Go there and just say you're anxious. I've done that. He can help you through it. You'll regret not going more than going, trust me.

Yes you can do this Hope. You can. Your T will be there to support you and help you and I think you will feel better once you go. HUGS Kit

Hope, I am not trying to be mean. I have heard of people experiencing similar things. Could it be that the obsession with this psychiatrist is interfering with your therapy? I think you mentioned that the anxiety is coming from your jealousy of him being married. And it would be so difficult to work with him while being jealous. I am saying this so that you can take a hard look (maybe even admit to) at what is going on.

Again, I am not saying this to be mean. It would be good to work this out. So, you can actually focus on what you are getting help for.

No that’s totally not it at all. That has never interfered with my therapy.

The anxiety is coming from not wanting to tell him about the past 2 weeks of my life.

We talk every session about what I’m working on so that doesn’t even come up anymore.

I guess I was worried about the therapy changing but I’m sure it will still be like it used to.

I tend to worry about everything. And that drives my anxiety and panic attacks.

I went to session.

How did it go?

The pain really set in and it hit me today.

This is so painful.

I want to find a way to work through this but I’m not even sure where to begin.

I’m sure I will get used to it and it will get easier.

Oh wow, I just emailed him and was honest and told him the truth about how I felt about him. I wanted to tell him why the situation makes me so sad.

I’m grateful that he gives me a space where I can be real and honest.

He has been able to help me in ways that other pdocs and therapists haven’t been able to.

He is definitely a keeper.

And that means working through the difficult stuff too.

It sounds like you are falling into the same pattern as you did with your previous providers: emailing about issues that should be kept for therapy and getting distracted from what you are in therapy for. Also, it isn't good to keep contacting his staff.

I don't bring all of this up to be mean. It is good to see this now, so you can focus on what you came to see him for. And not waste your money and time on all of this other stuff.

He allows me to email notes for the session because he knows I have trouble speaking it.

We are on the things that I need to work on.

However, I am tired of everything in my life and dying seems like a good idea because it’s the only way that I will find peace.

Also, I’m thinking about not going to therapy in December. They won’t cancel my appointments so I just won’t show up. I think everyone in the office hates me anyway.

I’m just not in the mood to deal with my problems right now.

HUGS Hope....

Hugs Hope please keep on going to your apps, it hard to i have a hard time going to therapy and thats when therapy is needed the most. You have a great pdoc/therapist. Please let him help you. Hugs

Is it possible that planning on not showing up for sessions or canceling appointments may be part of an old pattern that has not served you well- or helped you in the past?

If you are thinking of cancelling for December because of your jealousy toward his wife, then the obsession with him is interfering with you therapy.

Again, not saying it to be nasty or anything. It is necessary for you to see what is going on.


If you stop going to sessions when you are scheduled, he may eventually terminate with you. Your spot could of been taken by someone else that needed to see him. Many providers terminate patients after a certain number of NO SHOWS.

Hope, let me start by saying I do not mean to be mean by anything I say here but I am merely speaking the facts as I see them. That is one of my issues, my job is that of an analyst and I do not sugar coat things. Please take what I say with a grain of salt and ignore as you see fit. If you really want to cancel why not tell you T in person at your next session so you can discuss the reason behind your desire. Could it be that you secretly want to get him to pay attention to you or hope that he will call you when you don't show up? You don't need to answer here but it is something to honestly think about. As other here have said, the purpose of T is to work on you. While it is nice to have a T give you undivided attention each session, their goal is to help you work on yourself. He is not going to change now that he is married because he does not have feelings for you in that way. (No T should) I may be wrong but the change is probably coming from within you and your need to accept that he is no longer "available" per se.

As for the office staff, you may not be their favorite person but it is nothing personal against you. (I have also worked in the service field for many years.) There job is to make appointments, take payments, and work with insurance. They don't think of you (or any of the clients) as a friend or an enemy, but they may get annoyed if you repeatedly make their job difficult. For example, emailing frequently to cancel appointments, then emailing to ask for the appointments back, Emailing to get in sooner, then emailing again because they did not respond fast enough, etc. I know you said your T has told them not to cancel your appointments any more but you have been doing this for quire awhile and it is a pattern with you. To by honest, I'm sure they have a lot of other clients asking for sessions and those clients would love to take your timeslot if the staff gave it to them. You are lucky that you have always seemed to get your appointments back before your T told them to stop cancelling. While I am sure they don't hate you, I" sure your requests do/did not make their job any easier. It would be one thing if you cancelled and stayed cancelled, but cancelling and repeatedly changing you mind can get old.

Please try to take a long hard look at why you want to be in therapy. If the answer is that you want to fell better and improve yourself, make a commitment to keep your appointments regardless of how you are feeling each week. Therapy is a lot of hard work and we would all like it to be, it is not necessarily meant to be fun. Personally, I find therapy to be torture. Trauma work is no fun and EMDR is even worse but if I want to get better, I have to put in the work. My T is only there to guide me and help me through it. I wish the best for you Hope. I think you have made improvements this year but there will be a long road of baby steps ahead. Hugs and good luck to you.

I don’t do anything intentionally. Only my T knows the details of what I struggle with.

I already struggle with believing everyone would be better off if I died.