[DanM]

Hi,

So my ex, who I think and she also thinks (even tho she does not want to get such a diagnose and she was long time in denial) that has several BPD symptoms, went to a psychologist and psychiatrist to get help.

Check here my description of her: She has Borderline? 1yr relationship, she has very interesting background!

The psychologist told her after she saw her for first time after around 15 min, that "rest assure, you don't have BPD".

The psychiatrist "examined" her for around 30 min, then told her she does not qualify for a full BPD diagnose, if not she would be affected in many life situations, but it is certainly that she has BPD traits/symptoms.

Back to her psychologist, she makes many sessions with her, telling and her only things like:

- everybody has those traits, it is nothing wrong with you
- I don't know DBT, you don't need that anyway, you just need more confidence in you
- we cannot do CBT because we don't have exact situation to work with

Basically, she saw her psychologist for around 3 months now, and they have not even started CBT or any kind of therapy!

Their sessions are only about my ex describing our relationship, and the psychologist reassuring her.

The psychologist thinks about all the situations that my ex inflicted to me ("dramas", "silent treatment", telling me several times we should dump each other for no reason etc) that is not good, but "I am too sensible".

My ex is now in a little crazy behavior, insisting to come to my country (we live in different countries now) to see me even tho I told her very clearly that we are no longer together and I don't want this. She always responds that she will come any way!

The psychologist tells her that yes she should come!

Even tho I am not at all ok with this. Incredible...

What are you your thoughts about the professionalism of the psychologist?

My ex is in a self acknowledging of her several BPD traits (emotional instability, empty feeling, idealization/devaluation, unstable relationships etc) and she seems willing to improve, but the psy I have the feeling she does not help her at all... even more, encouraging her unstable behavior or not wanting her to actually improve...

I think it's one answer to this situation regarding the psy:
1) She does not have any competence regarding Bpd or psychology in general

2) She has competence but thinks Bpd cannot be cured/improved, thus she prefers not to try therapies for such
3) She acknowledge my ex has several issues, but prefers just to be "OK" with everything she says just to keep her as a client and take her money (while forcing her to improve is risky as my ex could dump the sessions)

I don't think this is any of your business.

[divine1966]

She is your ex. Her diagnosis or what she discusses at her sessions isn’t your business as other poster said. If she harasses you, block her.

[nottrustin]

Are you sure what she is saying to you is what she is telling her psychologist? The traits you are mentioning is part of a BPD diagnosis but does not automatically mean a person has BPD.

That being said, if it is causing this much of an issue for you, I recommend stopping all contact with her.

[Salmon77]

There is no way for you (or anyone here) to know anything about the psychologist's professionalism. All of this information is secondhand and may not be accurate.

I agree that none of this is your business and if you don't want your ex to come visit you, stop contacting her.

[DanM]

This story and question is not about me.


Is about my ex, a person that has difficulties and admits many of them, but is not receving proper profesional help even tho she is seeking it and paying for it.

And it's about maybe also other plenty people that goes to psyhologists in order to improve certain problems/bad traits/personality disorders and are not receiving any real professional help.

That is concerning.

But maybe it s just me that I thought wrong that a psyhologist can help a person to improve her problems (she went there in order to diminsh as much as possible her traits of bpd), and in fact a psyhologist is only there to take your money for saying only "ok" and trying to make you feel better in that specific moment without trying to help you solve/diminish the general problems...

[Xynesthesia2]

I think people made the comments above because it sounds like you are still interested in your ex and want to know what's going on with her. I think many psychs do just that, they often seem to think that validating the client's feelings is one of their their primary jobs. I personally don't see unprofessionalism in your description. Maybe lack of competence, but if your ex doesn't tell her providers the full range of her issues, what can be expected of them in terms of helping? If your ex wants to spend her money on that, it is her choice. Same if she does not acknowledge her issues and doesn't want to truly change, more to just hear she is mostly okay.

[SalingerEsme]

It seems like your primary role here is to set and enforce your own boundaries, and take care of yourself, take care with enmeshment and boundaries. It is sometimes hard to evaluate one’s own psychologist, but that of an ex residing in a different country? You have no way of knowing. It seems like you care and don’t want to turn your back, but you don’t want your space invaded. It also seems like it is important to be “right” that she has full blown BPD.

[DanM]

Mostly I am concerned that she cannot improve, if with "professionnal" help of 3 months she has only sessions with her psy telling her "Ok, it is nothing wrong". By herself she couldn't improve in all those years. Her relations are repeating always with similar ending, and she is a "victim of love".

But my question could be one in general, this is the exemple I have.


I also talked by phone with her psy. I don't want to come back to my ex but I would want her to improve, if not her life would be difficult to be different from what it was all those years.

I should had not told that is concerning me or my ex. Instead I should written only a possible story.

We cannot know the truth. But, presuming what I write is true, what is the conclusion? (That is the purpose of this topic, of course to presume the story is real)


That this is the role of a psyhologist, to only validate her client, without forcing him to actually improve?

[here today]

Originally Posted by DanM

. . .
My ex is now in a little crazy behavior, insisting to come to my country (we live in different countries now) to see me even tho I told her very clearly that we are no longer together and I don't want this. She always responds that she will come any way!

The psychologist tells her that yes she should come!

Even tho I am not at all ok with this. . .

As others have said, this is something that may affect you and it seems like it would be productive for you to spend some time and thought about how to handle things if she does come. Questions such as: Will you see her? Will you talk to her? If she comes to your place and you don't want her -- what will you do then? Will it come to the point that you will decide to call the police to get her to leave? What might be the impact of that?

Her behavior and that of the psychologist are their business and it's up to them to decide, even if it's "wrong" by somebody else's standards. It sounds like you have limited influence on their behavior and feelings, but you do, presumably, have influence on your own. I would focus on that, not the other people.

[DanM]

Isn't the forums to discuss about such kind of things? If not, if we take the ideea that "everybody knows for themselves" (which is correct), then plenty discussion would not exist.

I will probably see her as a friend, and will try to explain her that is not normal what she does, and she needs to find a psy that can really help her (if she does wants to improve as she claims).


I do not want to get back with her, but I do care about her, is normal and ethical to direct people we care about to get help when we find that neccesary.

If my ex would come here and would made a post similar to mine, and would share her experience with her psy, what would your answers be?


How can a person with traits of a serious personality disorder improve if the psyhologist only says that "is ok" and even encourage unstable behavior?

[Xynesthesia2]

Originally Posted by DanM

If my ex would come here and would made a post similar to mine, and would share her experience with her psy, what would your answers be?

What I said in my post earlier. Also, if this psychologist is not useful, try other ones. If she believes she has BPD, a form of therapy that is often recommended for that is DBT - many people find it helpful, your ex could find a provider and get into that directly. I don't think one needs a formal BPD diagnosis to participate. It is also possible that psychotherapy is just not for her in general, but it may be worth experimenting with different providers a bit.

[Salmon77]

If the therapy isn't helpful, that's a problem. But it's really up to your ex to decide whether she wants to continue seeing this therapist or find a different one.

[Nammu]

Sounds like you are doing a lot of projection. Instead of focusing on your ex work on your own stuff

[Lonelyinmyheart]

This is a very difficult situation Dan but I do think there's something important here about knowing what is and isn't yours to deal with.

If you were still in a relationship with this person, that would be different, but you're not and it seems you're still heavily invested in her life. I understand if you still care about her, but it sounds like you're both caught in a dynamic that you're unable to break free from, especially if she's turning up unexpectedly when you don't want contact.

Who your ex sees and how helpful that person is, is really for her to deal with now. I think the priority for you is to focus on maintaining your own boundaries with her. I know it's tempting to try and work out what is going on with your ex, maybe that's a way of unconsciously holding on somehow, but I think doing so may inadvertently keep her tied to you, as she will obviously know that you're continuously invested in her mental health.

If you want to let go, then let her go. And draw the boundaries around the relationship. It's harsh, but sometimes that's all we can do.

[maybeblue]

It is really hard to tell what is happening in a therapy session from the outside. Maybe the psychologist isn't giving your ex great treatment or maybe you aren't getting the whole story. I think you have to let your ex take care of herself now because she is your ex. Even if she does have some BPD traits or even if she has the diagnosis that does not mean that all of the problems in the relationship were hers, nor does it mean she is too ill to take care of herself. A DBT therapist would suggest that you don't treat her like she is fragile.

[bpcyclist]

Why are you so involved in all this?

[~Christina]

Okay I get your trying to understand her/this/borderline..

The reality is anyone of adult age walking this earth is responsible for themselves. They can find a T or not , they can actually try to help themselves or not.

BPD can be managed but it takes an enormous amount time doing DBT to make a dent in it... its a life long commitment for that person to continue to reinforce there skills.

A lot of people claim they can’t afford DBT Therapy, whatever, you can buy workbooks off Amazon for 12 bucks.. but that’s if a person wants help , which she doesn’t

You can’t fix her , she doesn’t want to change. Sometimes even tho we really really want something ... we do not get it.

She’s an ex for a reason. Let her go live her life and you move on with yours

It sounds as if YOU are stuck on this then it would be wise to find a Therapist and process the relationship that ended..

Good luck

[Rive.]

IF your ex is not happy with their psychologist, it is up to them to take this up and/or take the appropriate action (be it seeing someone else or exploring other avenues).

There are privacy and confidentiality engagements between a therapist and their client. You are not involved in this T dynamic but are merely a third party. I don't understand why you are asking about your ex and their therapy issues and trying to insert yourself within this dynamic.

You still seem very involved with your ex when you say you want to keep them at a distance. Let them deal with their issues as they wish. Trying to interfere is not appropriate.

[divine1966]

You aren’t present in her therapy sessions so you can’t say with certainty what exactly she is discussing.

Is she a minor? Incapacitated? If not, then it’s her privacy and her rights and her money.

You aren’t part of her therapy. I am married and have an adult child and I don’t believe I have rights to investigate what they discuss in their therapy and “explain” to them how I think their therapy should go. This woman isn’t your family or wife or your child even a girlfriend. Her therapy isn’t your business.

I recommend you see a therapist yourself and get to the bottom of this preoccupation. You also might need help with moving on. Relationship is over. How our exes conduct their therapies is their business

In addition insisting that someone has certain mental illness and diagnosis and insisting someone must get treatment and must get better could end in trouble for you.

Personally if someone insisted I have a disorder and my psychologist is wrong and my treatment is wrong and they know better what treatment I need etc I’d get law enforcement/legal professionals involved, I’d speak to my lawyer about it and ask them to interfere on my behalf.

What you do is inappropriate and can end ugly.

[DanM]

Thank you for your concerning me and for your advices.

You are right and I should not get involved because it does not good for me.


However, it is my ex who contacts me and tells me detaims of her therapy and that she wants to "get help".


My opinion (which yes is subjective because I am.not part of the therapy), base on what she tells me and what I talked with her psy, is that it won't help her much.

Basically her psy is just approving with everything my ex says, not starting any kind of ther1py ecen tho 3 months had passed.

My question was one in general, presuming (!) my ex does tell me everything from her therapy.

Maybe the role of a psychologist is only to validate her client, not to do a therapy that could help him improve, I am right?

[ChickenNoodleSoup]

A good therapist should have a balance between validating clients and challenging problematic behaviors. Depending on what parts of therapy someone tells you about, it might sound much more like just validation though. Even if my T challenges something I'm doing, I'll still not feel that he didn't validate what I'm doing, he might just suggest a different approach. Also, assuming your ex really does have BPD, if there's any kind of idealization going on it might be hard to tell whether her experience really matches reality.

Does your ex think the therapy helps her, have you ever asked her? If she thinks it does, you have to learn to sit with your feelings of it maybe not being the best for her. If she's happy with it and feels like it helps, that's fine. You're saying they 'have not started any kind of therapy', but therapy is just talking to somebody. There is not real 'start', your ex goes there and she talks to someone who is a therapist, there is not much more to it, unless you're doing specific programs (and that's not something all therapists do).

If your ex expresses concern about therapy helping, then maybe you can suggest that she goes to shop around a bit, try out a few different therapists. You can also suggest that if she seems happy with her therapist, but don't be surprised if she doesn't go see someone else.

Honestly, your post sounds to me like she just wants to share her journey and experience of therapy with somebody who she's close to. Just because she tells you details about her therapy doesn't mean you need to help her get the best possible thing (in your opinion) from therapy.

[divine1966]

Even if your ex calls you and talks about her therapy, it doesn’t mean it’s your job to “explain” to your ex or her psychologist in what way she needs to work on her issues and how she needs to be diagnosed. You can listen to her or block her but you can’t make her and her therapist to do things your way. It’s not within your control

[BizzyBee]

Even if she calls and tells you all the details and says she wants help, you can suggest she get a new T and/or draw a boundary that you can't really help her in that way. It is condescending to think she cannot manage her mental health decisions and it is possibly encouraging a codependent relationship.

There is no way to know what is going on in that therapeutic relationship nor is it your place to know. Even if you were still together, it would not be your place to know but especially since she is your ex. His modality might be this way or she may not have BPD (for example she might have cPTSD which had a lot of the same symptoms). He might be building a Therapeutic Alliance before delving into any work. The Therapeutic Alliance is vital for anyone with a trauma history. You just can't know why he is taking this nor should you need to. She can and should make this decision for herself. If she feels he is helping her, great. If not, suggest she try someone new or talk to him about it to change his approach. I would highly urge you not to disempower her by trying to make this decision for her.

[*Beth*]

My question is - are you in therapy yourself?