Waiting on T to return

I’m so nervous about the appointment.

It's understandable that you're nervous. Going back after any break is hard without anything extra (I seem to recall your t got married or is that someone else)? I have a similar situation coming up in the not too distant future and I will feel the same. But it's really important to go back, to face T and get that reassurance that nothing is going to change. If you avoid going you will feel much worse, even if temporarily it feels comforting in a familiar kind of way. Sometimes we need to face these fears to know that everything is truly okay. Thinking of you.

This is a hard day. I have a lot of overwhelming things in my life and I don’t even know what to do.

I am beginning to struggle really badly. I’m planning to curl up in bed and cry.

I am drowning and so stressed out.

Reading your posts feels like riding a roller coaster. I don't even know you, but I find it stressful just to read, so I can't imagine how stressful it must be for you to deal with these feelings day in and day out. It's okay to have these feelings, but I feel like you're only causing yourself more stress when you react based on these feelings. It seems like your feeling inevitably changes, so is there something you can do to delay acting on your feelings? It may not help with the initial feeling, but it would reduce the further harm caused by your reaction to the feeling. I'm not personally a big fan of DBT, but I think some of the skills they teach might address this and might be something you could look up online.

You only have a few more days until your session. I'm sure your T is looking forward to catching up after his break. I hope you don't cancel your session, because that will only cause you more stress in the long run.

I agree. Hope, every time you write that you are struggling and I see you reacting immediately on your feelings, I can't help but think that DBT skills would help you so much. I just quit DBT after a final stint in graduate class but I was in DBT for the past 3 years. It has changed my life and no I don't have borderline. DBT is useful to anyone who has problems dealing with and being controlled by their emotions. The mindfulness skills have helped the most. Many people also do not understand mindfulness. It is not "meditation." Mindfulness in DBT has many skills but the purpose is to be able to observe and accept what is happening in and around you in the moment without judgment.

I wish you the best Hope. Try to hold it together until Tuesday. It will be here before you know it. Use this time to journal your thoughts and prepare a list of things you would like to discuss on Tuesday. You have already asked if there are any earlier appointments. It is a holiday week and many people are going to have their appointments cancelled because of it. He may have already moved many of his Thursday people to any free slots on Monday. Please don't ask them again, or get upset if they do not have any appointments. It is nothing personal against you. That is "Checking the Facts" a DBT skill and "Radically Accepting" the fact that it is a holiday and they probably won't have an earlier appointments. Whenever your emotions are getting the best of you try to slow your breathing. Always breath out for a longer time than you breath in. (EX: In for 4, out for 8). This is another DBT skill that helps to calm you. Take care Hope. It will be OK.

I’m extremely stressed out because of things going on in my personal life.... NOT all about my T. I have people to take care of and sometimes I don’t even have time for myself.

I can’t complete the goals that I want to now because I have to care for my younger siblings. The rest of our family are dead. We are the only remaining family members left. We have a few cousins who are self absorbed in their own lives.

My younger brother and sister are 10 years younger than me. I won’t walk out and leave them.

And the reason I’m so intrigued and fascinated by the medical world is because I have worked in the medical world professionally but I left school, work, my friends to be the caregiver for both of my grandparents, my mom, and several other family members.

I’m strong most of the time but sometimes it hurts.

And I have an amazing T. He is excellent at helping me. I’ve been VERY difficult at times and he has stuck by me.

It’s just bad right now. Sui has crossed my mind.

Sui often seems tempting or like a backup plan when we are hurting. Just try to focus on your siblings and your T coming back. Remember that it's only a couple days away. You've made it this far! You're doing good! Keep fighting. You can do it.

Hi Hope,

I read all your posts. It makes me so sad that you are torturing yourself like this. Your therapist/psychiatrist really cares about you. As many times as you've convinced yourself that your relationship with him is ruined it turns out to be exactly the opposite. I know trust is nearly impossible sometimes, but try and hear me. Your psychiatrist is there for you. You can trust that. No matter what your feeling in the moment, he always in the end comes through for you. Hold on to that. That's what is important. Not emails or how long it takes staff to respond.

Hope, I know your life is difficult. I hope you did not think I was down playing your troubles. It is tough to be all alone. I am an only child and I only have my mother still alive. Unfortunately, she was one of my tormentors as a kid (still is actually) so she is no help. It can be scary to be all alone. That is why I was trying to give you some suggestions to make your life a bit easier. I also understand the SUI thoughts. I have been that way as well since I was about 8 years old. It is a constant in my mind.

Taking care of your siblings must be very hard. Don't forget to take care of yourself first. Like they always say on a plane, put the air mask on yourself first then your child. Remember, if you don't take care of yourself first, you will not be able to take care of our siblings. I am trying hard with this concept regarding my work. I do nothing but work and sleep. I try to tell myself that I must take care of myself first if I want to be able to do any quality work. Taking care of yourself also helps reduce your depression. It is not easy and a daily struggle. I try to take baby steps. Be kind to yourself and keep telling yourself that you can do it. Only one more day.

It’s okay. I’m just trying to do the best I can. Then we’re having car problems because our current vehicle is about to give out and the guy on the car lot said I could get a vehicle but I need a 2000 down payment and I was only able to come up with 800 and I don’t have a family member to ask for help with the rest.

My brother is disabled so I have to take him to all of his doctor’s appointments.

Thanks for the kind words.

I have 2 more days.

I’m beginning to get anxious about his return.

I understand the difficulty waiting, but what exactly makes you anxious about his return? You are saying he is amazing and helpful to you. I am sure he will be the same as before the break.

I’m not sure where the anxiety is coming from. I don’t understand.

A part of me feels hurt.

A part of me doesn’t want to see him.

Why am I feeling that way?

Do you think it's because of him getting married or about the break generally?

I’m worried that he has changed.

My mind is thinking of many reasons not to show up.

Why would he have changed? Challenge your mind. I know it's hard, I'm facing a very similar situation in a matter of months and I know I will have much the same fears, but sometimes you have to override them. Give yourself the gift of opportunity to see that actually T is very much the same, probably keen to get back to his routine and of course to see how you're doing.

I think this is the challenge of object constancy/ emotional constancy. I struggle with that too, but only in therapy. It is the inability to hold someone in mind and believe you are held in their mind, so elements or doubt and fear creep in where other people take for granted all is well unless told otherwise. I’m sorry for your pain, Hope. It is very real. Literal object constancy is a task of babyhood, but metaphorically the lack of it makes every relationship seem fragile and at risk without any concrete reason.

Of course they want you back., but with T gone probably waiting until they return. First day back in the office is probably tough for them as well. Hugs!!

Now I’m becoming very concerned. No one has emailed or called me back for an appointment reminder. What if my T doesn’t want to see me?

I am so scared that I’m just going to sit here and cry. No appointment confirmation or anything.