[SarahSweden]

I read a lot of posts here at PC and other places about clients who describe different situations of getting hurt by their therapists.


To perhaps ease the feeling of being hurt and disappointed it might be of help to put some perpective to what you're currently feeling.


* You share your story with a lot of clients and you could compare your story with theirs and find several similarities and by that feel less lonely in what you go through.


* Your therapist has 10-20-30 or more clients besides you and can´t and doesn´t think about you in the same way as you think of him/her. You´re worth much more than spending time thinking about a therapist who can´t (and shouldn´t) reciprocate.

* Your problems are very important to you and matters a lot and you have the right to get understanding about what you go through. But your therapist has most probably already heard about a similar problem like yours and he/she isn´t affected by that problem. By that, you should be prepared you won´t get the understanding you need.

Don´t rely on a therapist when feeling lonely, upset, sad and so on as your therapist can´t do anything about it. Relying on a therapist when in a vulnerable state will imply a huge risk to get hurt. I say that partly from my own experiences but especially from all stories I´ve read written by sad and hurt therapy clients.

[sophiebunny]

Sara Sweden,

I could not have said it better. I bond only with a lot of difficulty and it takes years so it's hard for me to relate to people who attach quickly. I do, however, know what it's like to be so ill that my safety and survival depends on their actions. That's terrifying to me. Even I forget sometimes that I am not their only client/patient. I told my psychiatrist of 25 years that it probably seems to him that I'm his only patient because of how much work I've been for him over the years, but I do realize I'm just one of thousands of patients he's had in his career. It helps me keep perspective. He and I have a fantastic working relationship, but he's my psychiatrist, not my friend. I need to keep that clear in my head sometimes, especially because him, I have a rare bond to. That bond has taken decades to form. It's a big deal for me. Fortunately, he's very sensitive to that fact.

[zoiecat]

I agree that less people would feel hurt on this site if they would accept the reality of the relationship.

[divine1966]

There are clients who get hurt because therapists take advantage of them or abuse them.

And there are clients who get hurt because they enter therapy in hopes to obtain a lover (yes that happened on here) or a friend or become a center of someone’s universe and then got hurt and disappointed because it didn’t happen. I think some people would avoid getting hurt if they accepted that they are going to be patients/clients and not friends and lovers and they can’t be more important than therapist’s family or loved ones. Therapists won’t stop getting married or have kids or move or retire or go on vacation or otherwise live their lives out of fear of upsetting their clients .

I think having more reasonable realistic expectations would help to avoid unnecessary suffering

[SarahSweden]

Thanks for support. Yes, as you I can´t just attach to someone quickly and especially not a therapist who I see like once a week and who shares her time with a lot of other clients.

It's fortunate you got a longer period of time to develop your relationship with your psychiatrist. Does your insurance cover that or do you have to pay out of your own pocket?

Originally Posted by sophiebunny

Sara Sweden,

I could not have said it better. I bond only with a lot of difficulty and it takes years so it's hard for me to relate to people who attach quickly. I do, however, know what it's like to be so ill that my safety and survival depends on their actions. That's terrifying to me. Even I forget sometimes that I am not their only client/patient. I told my psychiatrist of 25 years that it probably seems to him that I'm his only patient because of how much work I've been for him over the years, but I do realize I'm just one of thousands of patients he's had in his career. It helps me keep perspective. He and I have a fantastic working relationship, but he's my psychiatrist, not my friend. I need to keep that clear in my head sometimes, especially because him, I have a rare bond to. That bond has taken decades to form. It's a big deal for me. Fortunately, he's very sensitive to that fact.

[sophiebunny]

Originally Posted by SarahSweden

Thanks for support. Yes, as you I can´t just attach to someone quickly and especially not a therapist who I see like once a week and who shares her time with a lot of other clients.

It's fortunate you got a longer period of time to develop your relationship with your psychiatrist. Does your insurance cover that or do you have to pay out of your own pocket?

My insurance covers psychiatrist and therapist appointments. The insurance company has been very good to me. They've never turned down a submission by either my psychiatrist or my therapist. Given my history, they understand it is far cheaper to treat me outpatient than inpatient for 2-3 months at a time.

[divine1966]

Just to clarify. In the US even with health insurance, medical (including mental) services aren’t free. We pay for it by monthly premiums, often very high, then having to meet a deductible, often so high that it takes many many months to meet it and until then you pay out of ones pocket, and in addition paying co pay for each visit even after you met a deductible. Also many insurances cover only limited number of sessions, not unlimited.

So just to clarify that it’s not free in the US at all even if you have health insurance, through your employer or private.

It does help of course to have insurance. especially for hospital stays etc

[StupidityTries]

Originally Posted by divine1966

There are clients who get hurt because therapists take advantage of them or abuse them.

And there are clients who get hurt because they enter therapy in hopes to obtain a lover (yes that happened on here) or a friend or become a center of someone’s universe and then got hurt and disappointed because it didn’t happen. I think some people would avoid getting hurt if they accepted that they are going to be patients/clients and not friends and lovers and they can’t be more important than therapist’s family or loved ones. Therapists won’t stop getting married or have kids or move or retire or go on vacation or otherwise live their lives out of fear of upsetting their clients .

I think having more reasonable realistic expectations would help to avoid unnecessary suffering

I’ve been thinking about this post, trying to fit my experience inside of it. I fell in love with a therapist. It wasn’t something I set out to do, but I was told by a previous T that I would get so much more out of the experience if I opened myself emotionally and let myself become a little more vulnerable. So I did that in a new T relationship and it worked, I made tremendous emotional growth and it benefitted me in forming and deepening my other relationships. But the resulting attachment was something far more intense than I expected, and none of the lit about transference made the feelings seem any less real. I became jealous of my T’s outside life. I’m not proud of that, but owning my emotional responses was part of my work, mistakes and all.

So, I don’t think it’s necessarily as black and white as you expressed it. It’s an interpersonal profession and deep attachments are always risky. And some people are just more susceptible to hurt and some Ts are more skilled with dealing with these scenarios than others. Take and appreciate all of the good and assume most of the pain that comes wasn’t intentional or malicious. That’s the best we can hope for.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by StupidityTries

I’ve been thinking about this post, trying to fit my experience inside of it. I fell in love with a therapist. It wasn’t something I set out to do, but I was told by a previous T that I would get so much more out of the experience if I opened myself emotionally and let myself become a little more vulnerable. So I did that in a new T relationship and it worked, I made tremendous emotional growth and it benefitted me in forming and deepening my other relationships. But the resulting attachment was something far more intense than I expected, and none of the lit about transference made the feelings seem any less real. I became jealous of my T’s outside life. I’m not proud of that, but owning my emotional responses was part of my work, mistakes and all.

So, I don’t think it’s necessarily as black and white as you expressed it. It’s an interpersonal profession and deep attachments are always risky. And some people are just more susceptible to hurt and some Ts are more skilled with dealing with these scenarios than others. Take and appreciate all of the good and assume most of the pain that comes wasn’t intentional or malicious. That’s the best we can hope for.

Black and white thinking would be saying that “all clients do this” or “all therapists are like that”. That’s black and white thinking. Saying “there are clients who are XYZ” isn’t black and white. Just acknowledging that “some” clients might benefit from having different expectations.

Yes “some” people ... and “some” therapists... “some” or “there are” are key words here.

Yes deep attachments are risky when dealing with any interpersonal situations. That’s a given

[sophiebunny]

SOME people have an unrealistic expectation for their therapists and psychiatrists. SOME people confuse a therapeutic relationship with other kinds of personal relationships. That's how SOME people end up needlessly hurt. A different perspective can cut down on needless pain.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by sophiebunny

SOME people have an unrealistic expectation for their therapists and psychiatrists. SOME people confuse a therapeutic relationship with other kinds of personal relationships. That's how SOME people end up needlessly hurt. A different perspective can cut down on needless pain.

Exactly my point

[here today]

Originally Posted by divine1966

. . .
Yes deep attachments are risky when dealing with any interpersonal situations. That’s a given

Maybe that's a given, and was understood by you before you entered therapy, but it is NOT necessarily understood by many people who enter therapy, including me. Part of the effects of early trauma, or something, that led to issues that led to therapy in the first place.

Therapy is dangerous and harmful for some people, in ways we could not have foreseen and were not warned about. That harm is sometimes more than just "feeling" hurt - - there can be some real hurt and damage, too, in terms of decreased ability to function and poorer -- not better -- interpersonal relationships. Maybe the possibility of that kind of outcome is obvious to some people but for those of use to whom it was not obvious there needs to be more information provided before therapy starts about the reality of the therapy relationship, the kinds of feelings that can develop, and the potential that the client, and/or their feelings, may become "too much" for the therapist and beyond the therapist's ability to deal with positively. It would also be good if the therapist spelled out -- in advance -- what their procedure would be if that were to happen.

[here today]

Originally Posted by sophiebunny

SOME people have an unrealistic expectation for their therapists and psychiatrists. SOME people confuse a therapeutic relationship with other kinds of personal relationships. That's how SOME people end up needlessly hurt. A different perspective can cut down on needless pain.

Originally Posted by divine1966

Exactly my point

And why is that SOME people have unrealistic expectations and confuse a therapeutic relationship with other kinds of relationships? And how are they going to understand and come up with a different perspective AFTER that happens? It may not be as simple to SOME people as it may be to others -- for reasons, as I have said, that we went into therapy with and which, I believe, need to be taken into account by the practitioners, just as if a blind person, say, went to the doctor -- there needs to be some recognition of the patient's/client's condition and accommodation made for that. Asking a blind person to read and sign a form for consent to treatment is -- well, ludicrous, isn't it?

[sophiebunny]

Originally Posted by here today

Maybe that's a given, and was understood by you before you entered therapy, but it is NOT necessarily understood by many people who enter therapy, including me. Part of the effects of early trauma, or something, that led to issues that led to therapy in the first place.

Therapy is dangerous and harmful for some people, in ways we could not have foreseen and were not warned about. That harm is sometimes more than just "feeling" hurt - - there can be some real hurt and damage, too, in terms of decreased ability to function and poorer -- not better -- interpersonal relationships. Maybe the possibility of that kind of outcome is obvious to some people but for those of use to whom it was not obvious there needs to be more information provided before therapy starts about the reality of the therapy relationship, the kinds of feelings that can develop, and the potential that the client, and/or their feelings, may become "too much" for the therapist and beyond the therapist's ability to deal with positively. It would also be good if the therapist spelled out -- in advance -- what their procedure would be if that were to happen.

I agree. Many people go into therapy not understanding its benefits and limitations. I wish there was a way to educate people about what the therapeutic process is and isn't. That way people can make informed choices.

[StupidityTries]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Black and white thinking would be saying that “all clients do this” or “all therapists are like that”. That’s black and white thinking. Saying “there are clients who are XYZ” isn’t black and white. Just acknowledging that “some” clients might benefit from having different expectations.

Yes “some” people ... and “some” therapists... “some” or “there are” are key words here.

Yes deep attachments are risky when dealing with any interpersonal situations. That’s a given

Like I said in the first sentence, I was trying to fit my experience into your model and ended up adding another perspective.. I withdraw the black and white sentence . I stand by the rest.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by here today

And why is that SOME people have unrealistic expectations and confuse a therapeutic relationship with other kinds of relationships? And how are they going to understand and come up with a different perspective AFTER that happens? It may not be as simple to SOME people as it may be to others -- for reasons, as I have said, that we went into therapy with and which, I believe, need to be taken into account by the practitioners, just as if a blind person, say, went to the doctor -- there needs to be some recognition of the patient's/client's condition and accommodation made for that. Asking a blind person to read and sign a form for consent to treatment is -- well, ludicrous, isn't it?

Definitely it’s not simple at all. I can’t say why some people have unrealistic expectations but I believe it should be addressed by a skilled therapist early on, possibly prior to the very first session. There also should be some literature out there explaining what therapy is and what isn’t, some type of manual that maybe had to be read prior to seeing a therapist, some type of term of service.

Having realistic expectations could help to avoid some suffering but I don’t think it’s easy at all or that some therapists aren’t responsible for setting those unrealistic expectations up and allowing it to go on.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by StupidityTries

Like I said in the first sentence, I was trying to fit my experience into your model and ended up adding another perspective.. I withdraw the black and white sentence . I stand by the rest.

Makes total sense

[sarahsweets]

I agree that the parameters of therapy should be set with across the board guidelines and expectations. Honestly whatever board therapists are licensed by or guided by or whatever its called should come up with a standard way of providing this information to all clients and that they should legally have to do it right at the first session. On one hand I look to the definitions :

noun: therapy; plural noun: therapies
treatment intended to relieve or heal a disorder.
"a course of antibiotic therapy"
Similar:
treatment
remedy
cure
remedial treatment
method of healing
the treatment of mental or psychological disorders by psychological means.
"he is currently in therapy"

therapist
noun [ C ]
US /ˈθer.ə.pɪst/ UK /ˈθer.ə.pɪst/

C1
someone whose job is to treat a particular type of mental or physical illness or disability, usually with a particular type of therapy:
a speech therapist
a music/an art therapist
I'm seeing my therapist on Friday morning.

See also
psychotherapist

He's been seeing a therapist to try to control his anger.

And this in particular:

Therapeutic relationship

The therapeutic relationship (also therapeutic alliance, the helping alliance, or the working alliance) refers to the relationship between a healthcare professional and a client (or patient). It is the means by which a therapist and a client hope to engage with each other, and effect beneficial change in the client.

While much early work on this variable was generated from a psychodynamic perspective, researchers from other orientations have since investigated this area. It has been found to predict treatment adherence (compliance) and concordance and outcome across a range of client/patient diagnoses and treatment settings. Research on the statistical power of the therapeutic relationship now reflects more than 1,000 findings.[1] Informal coercion is common, and may be unintentional on the part of the therapist.[2]

In the humanistic approach, Carl Rogers identified a number of necessary and sufficient conditions that are required for therapeutic change to take place. These include the three core conditions: congruence, unconditional positive regard and empathy.

In psychoanalysis, the therapeutic relationship has been theorized to consist of three parts: the working alliance, transference/countertransference, and the real relationship.[3][4][5] Evidence on each component's unique contribution to the outcome has been gathered, as well as evidence on the interaction between components.[6] In contrast to a social relationship, the focus of the therapeutic relationship is on the client's needs and goals.[7]

Transference
The concept of therapeutic relationship was described by Freud (1912) as "friendly affectionate feeling" in the form of positive transference.

Working alliance
Also known as the therapeutic alliance, working alliance is not to be confused with the therapeutic relationship, of which it is theorized to be a component.

The working alliance may be defined as the joining of a client's reasonable side with a therapist's working or analyzing side.[8] Bordin[9] conceptualized the working alliance as consisting of three parts: tasks, goals, and bond.

Tasks are what the therapist and client agree need to be done to reach the client's goals. Goals are what the client hopes to gain from therapy, based on their presenting concerns. The bond forms from trust and confidence that the tasks will bring the client closer to their goals.

Research on the working alliance suggests that it is a strong predictor of psychotherapy or counseling client outcome.[10] Also, the way in which the working alliance unfolds has been found to be related to client outcomes. Generally, an alliance that experiences a rupture that is repaired is related to better outcomes than an alliance with no ruptures, or an alliance with a rupture that is not repaired. Also, in successful cases of brief therapy, the working alliance has been found to follow a high-low-high pattern over the course of the therapy.[11] Therapeutic alliance has been found to be effective in treating adolescents suffering from PTSD, with the strongest alliances were associated with the greatest improvement in PTSD symptoms.[citation needed] Regardless of other treatment procedures, studies have shown that the degree to which traumatized adolescents feel a connection with their therapist greatly affects how well they do during treatment.[12]

I feel like all of these definitions/examples are obvious-but I know based on what people have shared here they may not be. What do you all think causes a client/therapist relationship to be anything other than the examples above? Is it a matter of blame? Are therapist/client relationships and expectations confusing to most people or maybe just vunerable people? Do you think therapists should go over this exact definition or examples before proceeding with therapy? Would that mitigate all the harmful things people have experienced with therapy?

[divine1966]

Good questions sarasweet. Personally I’d be taken aback if prospective therapist read me some kind of definitions or warn me in some ways that she will only be my therapist and nothing more. I’d not come back. It’s a bit insulting. But perhaps giving people some type of manual to read on their own could help some. Not sure

I feel that sometimes people need higher level of help or different help rather than therapy but instead therapists encourage clients to come to weekly or even more frequent sessions with no improvement in sight.

So as client gets more and more upset that therapist isn’t meeting their needs and as sessions become more and more about clients desiring relationship with therapist instead of working on improving clients lives, therapist seems to be ok with it and keeps collecting fees. That’s disturbing

[here today]

It's just me and my opinion -- I haven't trained as a therapist but I have read a lot of books and was in and out of therapy for 50+ years-- but I think the problem for me wasn't just "feeling" hurt but being ACTUALLY hurt/damaged by therapists. For instance, the failure/rejection/shaming by the last therapist re-damaged my sense of self that had been damaged in my early family/social life. It's hard to describe, there isn't anything in any of the books that I have read that are very good descriptions or theories about the way my experience seems to me.

And then, in therapy with the last therapist for 6 years, a healthy me or sense of me was trying to emerge or something, and she smashed, dashed, damaged it AGAIN. This isn't something that just "feels" hurt -- it IS hurt. It is additional DAMAGE to my ability to function well psychologically. It feels horrible, too, like pain does with actual damage in other parts of one's being, too.

I could explain, using Kohut's theory, how and what I think happened -- but that's just cognition. It helps me feel a little better but doesn't do much to help the damage. For that, I would need a therapist to try to listen to me and understand where I was coming from and how I think the theory explains what is going on. And then a "therapeutic alliance", on a cognitive level, to try to come up with ways to help me at an emotional level. I've tried -- they don't get that, it's outside the paradigm that they are taught and trained in. Even a Self psychologist who I thought surely might get it. But no, I'm a client, a mental patient, how could I possibly have any useful idea about a way to relate to a therapist that could actually help me?

So, in my view -- how do therapists recognize people who have this level of damage coming into therapy, before a "relationship" develops? And -- what IS a "relationship" to someone who has a damaged sense of self anyway? Why not try to figure that out and meet the person on their own terms? Or, what do the therapists do, or how and to whom do they refer, when they discover a person has that level of damage -- without retraumatizing the sense of self through rejection or treatment "failure", etc. -- which is really a NEW trauma because, for instance, if I hadn't been in therapy trying to "find" it, the self might possibly have stayed "safely" dissociated or hidden/protected within its defenses. Which, yes, is another kind of problem but "First, do no harm" needs to be the motto of the "mental health" profession IMO. I was doing the best I could for all those years, trying to find "help" where, I now believe, it isn't to be found -- or, if it is, nobody can really say why or how or with whom. And that, too, is DAMAGING to a life. Yes, others can put it all on me and the "choices" that I, with my damaged sense of self, made. But I think that view is SOCIALLY damaging and short-sighted, too. Because, I've been pretty d...m dysfunctional, socially, despite my best efforts. It's been a waste for me -- but also to the rest of society, too. Of course, who cares. . .we have had a thriving materialist economy which doesn't need me to function or contribute anything. . .

And yet, for me to

Possible trigger:

voluntarily end my life

is something else to blame me for because it would "hurt" other people. Huh?

[corbie]

Originally Posted by sarahsweets

I agree that the parameters of therapy should be set with across the board guidelines and expectations. Honestly whatever board therapists are licensed by or guided by or whatever its called should come up with a standard way of providing this information to all clients and that they should legally have to do it right at the first session. On one hand I look to the definitions :

And this in particular:
I feel like all of these definitions/examples are obvious-but I know based on what people have shared here they may not be. What do you all think causes a client/therapist relationship to be anything other than the examples above? Is it a matter of blame? Are therapist/client relationships and expectations confusing to most people or maybe just vunerable people? Do you think therapists should go over this exact definition or examples before proceeding with therapy? Would that mitigate all the harmful things people have experienced with therapy?

I don't think it's a matter of definitions, and I don't think simply reciting these would be of any help for most people entering therapy. I think the key might be the bit about the therapeutic alliance: "the joining of a client's reasonable side with a therapist's working or analyzing side", and all the ways it can go wrong (not meant to be a comprehensive list, just some of the stuff I suspect contributed to my getting hurt in therapy):

The client's reasonable side might get sidelined because
1. transference stuff can be unexpectedly powerful and override reasoning
2. client might have problems regulating their emotions in the first place, or being in touch with their emotions at all, so even with the "reasonable side" more-or-less functional, it won't have any effect whatsoever, other than perhaps making client feel like an idiot for getting upset over nothing
3. client might have difficulty differentiating between "being reasonable" and "rationalising away stuff that's actually dangerous / harmful"

The therapist's working/analyzing side might be inefficient because
1. client's problem might be partly/entirely outside the therapist's competence. This might not be immediately obvious either, or perhaps transference/countertransference might make it difficult to recognise.
2. counter-transference stuff can be unexpectedly powerful, therapist might get lost in it if client moves too close to blind spots and sensitive points
3. (possibly, but not necessarily connected to the previous two) therapist might not have a good sense of when to use the analyzing side and/or of what to do with the non-reasonable side. Like, trying to analyse and interpret when the client is overwhelmed with emotion, or just speaking a different "emotional language" from the client.

[divine1966]

Sadly sometimes therapy might not be a solution for particular issues or particular people. Or particular type of therapy.

There might be other things that could do more good than therapy. I tried therapy for bereavement twice (two different losses) and I received no help, not because therapist was bad. She wasn’t. She was very very helpful for other concerns. Just not for this.

I don’t know if it was wrong therapist for grief issue or just I needed something else at the moment but I know I was suffering and wasted time in therapy. I ended up buying few books ( one advised by my therapist) and I found some minor improvement in my grief, I stopped seeing a therapist because it wasn’t useful.

I don’t know if I am explaining myself well but if one sees many therapists for years and nothing good comes out of it (in addition person maybe gets repeatedly hurt by therapists) yes it could be that all therapists don’t know what they doing (many dont).

But I think it could also be that person needs different types of therapy or maybe something else instead, no therapy at all. Therapy can’t be solution to everything especially if it’s not helping and not improving anything.

Maybe one would do better with peer support, online support, books, meds, group therapy, change in life style etc etc

Just a thought

[downandlonely]

I agree with @divine1966. I tried individual therapy for years and it didn't help. Peer support groups are much more helpful to me.

[here today]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Sadly sometimes therapy might not be a solution for particular issues or particular people. Or particular type of therapy.
. . .
But I think it could also be that person needs different types of therapy or maybe something else instead, no therapy at all. Therapy can’t be solution to everything especially if it’s not helping and not improving anything.

Maybe one would do better with peer support, online support, books, meds, group therapy, change in life style etc etc

Just a thought

The thing is, psychological and emotional distress, especially extremes of that distress, are taken on -- and even "assigned" by "authorities" and recognized social "experts" -- to our society's "health" system, as "mental health", or more commonly nowadays, "behavioral health" matters. And, if someone is not functioning well, despite their best current efforts (which of course depend on their current state of knowledge, "health", social support and resources, etc.). . .then I believe it is up to those "experts", somewhere, somehow, to be open to reports of failures, FROM THE SERVICE USER'S PERSPECTIVE, and begin to try to address those. Which they are NOT, currently.

From a personal perspective, I have also -- do you doubt it? -- always tried to do my part and more, taken "personal responsibility" as well as I could, given where I was coming from, and OF COURSE tried numerous other resources to improve my life and my mental and emotional health -- including as an add-on and sometimes instead of the therapy -- "peer support, online support, books, meds, group therapy". Given how depressed, distressed, and dysfunctional I was, "change of lifestyle" wasn't very relevant in my situation, I believe -- though of course someone could fault me for not trying that, not knowing anything about my situation or my lifestyle or etc.

My distress -- and that of those like me whom psychotherapy has failed -- is simply NOT on the radar of anybody in the health system, however. Look at how awful it would be if doctors looked on COVID-19 as the flu and blamed everybody who got it because they didn't get a flu shot or "sometimes the flu shot just doesn't work."

Yes, emotional and psychological distress is different. There's nothing people can see under a microscope or any other type of testinq currently. No good theories, either, IMO. Or maybe complete theories, since I think Kohut has some good ideas about how a self -- or sense of self -- develops that could become something much more robust -- if psychologists even considered how they might develop their discipline into something more than what it is today. Which is NOT science, despite what some may say.

[tomatenoir]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Sadly sometimes therapy might not be a solution for particular issues or particular people. Or particular type of therapy.

There might be other things that could do more good than therapy. I tried therapy for bereavement twice (two different losses) and I received no help, not because therapist was bad. She wasn’t. She was very very helpful for other concerns. Just not for this.

I don’t know if it was wrong therapist for grief issue or just I needed something else at the moment but I know I was suffering and wasted time in therapy. I ended up buying few books ( one advised by my therapist) and I found some minor improvement in my grief, I stopped seeing a therapist because it wasn’t useful.

I don’t know if I am explaining myself well but if one sees many therapists for years and nothing good comes out of it (in addition person maybe gets repeatedly hurt by therapists) yes it could be that all therapists don’t know what they doing (many dont).

But I think it could also be that person needs different types of therapy or maybe something else instead, no therapy at all. Therapy can’t be solution to everything especially if it’s not helping and not improving anything.

Maybe one would do better with peer support, online support, books, meds, group therapy, change in life style etc etc

Just a thought

Very well said. I had the opposite situation, where my therapist was excellent with the bereavement issue I came to therapy for, but actively damaging when it came to other issues I had, namely feelings that people mostly ignore me and that I'm defective and not worth caring about.

I asked for a hug after months of realising therapy had stalled because my need for one had become all-consuming. I'm not built to stay in situations that aren't working, and I knew therapy wasn't working anymore. He said no hugs, I said "I quit and therapy isn't working for me any longer," I asked for a final session a few days later, he said no and we no longer worked together. After sharing my personal life for a year, his ability to effectively dump me made my head spin.

One thing that was empowering was writing a blog post detailing how he ended things, after he deleted my negative review on his Google page. His attempt to shut me up means my post is forever attached to his name. Realising that I didn't have to just sit and be a victim, that I had a degree of power over his business reputation, helped immensely in working through the hurt. I think people who go to therapy often feel so vulnerable they forget they still have power.

The second was making the decision that my feelings are now reserved for those that I have non-business relationships with. Perhaps I can do this because I've never believed therapy is THE ONLY way to heal. I don't get the attentiveness with my friends that I got with my therapist, but I'm not always second guessing whether someone actually likes me either.

When I felt down earlier this year, I immediately went to the doctor and got antidepressants, but kept my feelings to myself. My doctor actually seemed baffled by my reluctance to go into my emotions.

In an attempt to connect, he put his hand on my arm, smiled at me, and said "I'm a doctor, and I like to see my patients get better."

It was vindication, in a way. Touch is connection: it doesn't always need to be agonised over or creepy or pathologised.

I think if someone is bouncing from therapist to therapist with no progress, they should try other things. Like the saying goes:

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.