Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIV

I'm worried about my kidneys. It's hard not to with the information I have. Trying to keep a sense of perspective, but my mind keeps wandering to different things that could be wrong. My eGFR is objectively bad, and that's what worries me most. I've been trying to drink more fluids, but I can't help but notice the way my body just seems to hang onto them. I drank 44oz of (sodium free) seltzer water and nothing happened. I didn't need to go to the bathroom for 8+ hours and when I did go, it was just the usual amount. That doesn't seem right, although this isn't the first time I've noticed my body no longer seems to respond to increased fluid intake. I think I first noticed that a year or two ago.

Dad said my great uncle had kidney cancer, but AFAIK, that's the only relative who has ever experienced kidney problems.

I'm trying to remember that at least I have a few things going for me. My blood pressure was 100/64 last week, so that's good. High BP is bad for your kidneys. I don't eat as much protein as the average American, and too much protein can hurt the kidneys. I have been losing weight despite, as it turns out, not getting enough thyroid hormone. Dr. B says none of the meds I am on should be hurtful to my kidneys as they are metabolized by the liver. And I am taking fewer medications overall.

I also keep thinking about that time my old dog R got sick and they said she was in kidney failure. They seemed to think it was a longstanding issue, but it definitely wasn't and she was fine after she had that tampon or whatever it was removed from her stomach. My eGFR is concerning, but maybe it's not too late to reverse things. It certainly seems like kidney issues are not something the doctors I've seen so far have known anything about.

I just need to get in to see the nephrologist because he is the only one who will be able to figure out if they're damaged or failing or what. I need to know if there's anything I should be doing to preserve their functioning - fluids, diet, etc.

Trying not to worry too much. I'd feel better if I'd received the latest labs from my endo but it's been a week and nothing. I am starting to wonder if he forgot what he was going to order. He couldn't seem to make up his mind when we talked.

i'm worried about my mom she told me that she's got a dr appt tomorrow my sister is going to take her so she doesn't have to go alone it's something going on with her heart we don't know much more than that yet. she's 80 so i worry. i'm still upset at myself for coming there in person to see you, why didn't i say no. i'm a huge ball of tangled up worry.

I want to get attention from you. Although I think I’m getting plenty of it and I’m sure I stick out a lot more then a lot of your clients. I don’t know what else I want.

Feeling overloaded. Wondering when that will stop.

Yesterday was hard. I cried in the supermarket.

I'm tired of this covid drama.

I'm mad at you for going away on holiday and I know I sound like a loon.

I had an anxiety attack this morning. I used to wake up to panic attacks in second year a week before exams. Tell me how I've improved? I'm just so sad and nothing changes that.

I also visited in person to the office to get a time for my exam as the doc didn't email me back on wenesday.

i really feel like i won't be able to face you ever again. yet you're the only person i even want to talk to about how i feel.

I need to call you. I'm in a shame storm.

Sorry about that ranty email. I get why your not responding. To be fair I didn’t ask for you to reply either. But I didn’t say not to.

Also why did you stare so intensely at my face last week? You haven’t been really looking at me much lately but last week you stared at me for about 10 seconds until I looked away.

No, I don't. I honestly do not.

I wish you would text me before my other appointment in the morning. You didn't last time though, so you probably won't this time. You could have at least mentioned it when you texted me about scheduling today. I know that's outside of our usual boundaries, but this is different, right?
Maybe it'll go fine and we'll have nothing to talk about and I'll decide I must have been faking my reaction the last few times.
Maybe I'll dissociate or cry again and still not know why. Which still isn't really anything to talk about. What is there to say? There's nothing to work with.
I know it's terrible, but I almost wish there was something to remember, something to work through, an explanation.
You were so concerned and kind and compassionate and gentle the first time when I told you. I wish I deserved that. Instead I just feel icky and guilty because I know that I don't. I feel like a liar and a fraud for letting you be concerned, for letting myself consider the possibility that there's something to be concerned about even though I know there isn't.
I still wish you'd text me.

i'm afraid to look at my email.

For the first time in response to your email. I want to say "message received lets discuss in session".

Two hours and four mins left...

I want good restorative sleep. I think it's the new med. My mind is going nuts, it's almost 3am and I have had one bad dream already. I don't like meds right now. It's not the answer.

You really should know better. Thank you for hurting me. Again.

You haven’t responded to anything in days and I haven’t gotten any notification about our session. Are you ok?

With lockdown measures beings increased again I know this is going to mean the end of face to face sessions again. I can’t keep doing this, I need reliability and consistency and right now everything is f***ed up because of this virus. I am so angry.
I just need someone. Someone who cares. I want somebody to wrap their arms around me and hold me whilst I sob and there is nobody that can do that, and even without Covid I know that would violate boundaries. I’m so alone and right now I don’t want to stay in a world that is so messed up. I want to email you but what would be the point? You can’t stop what I feel.

s,

i really like you. wish i had met you before i started seeing t. so many wasted years. thank you. thank you. thank you!

me

I’m really sorry if I said something to upset you today. If it was about being understood, I know you understand me as best you can. But you can’t post videos about why we are all fated to be lonely and then expect me to feel all loving and connected, can you? I cried when I watched it, and then didn’t message my friend because we are all alone and no one can really understand us like you said. I miss you.

Talking with you 2x a week is helpful for me. I'm glad you are willing to "meet" twice a week again. I'm sorry that I've made you worry and feel sad that I've been struggling. But things are doing better now and I'm taking my medications

Don't know how to feel about your silence in the wake of my most recent email.
I know we'll talk about it tomorrow, but I would have appreciated an acknowledgement.

I am feeling overwhelmed and impotent and I wish I could talk to you 3x a week right now. But considering I still also feel like I can never face you again, this is a conundrum. I need to find a new t.

Thank you for really starting to listen to me. Or, maybe it is finally that you are compromising and showing me that you are listening. I am working so hard and I know you have always acknowledged that but I am finally starting to see some progress in myself. I know have always wanted the best for me and have never given up. I know I have not made things easy for you and I appreciate you telling me that I should only trust you as much as I feel comfortable with. Thank you for admitting that you screw up sometimes and thank you for trying to change your ways and fix those mistakes. I know I still have a mountain to climb, but together we make a good team.

You didn't know what to say yesterday. And that bugs me. It's like there was so much I that email that you had a hard time formulating words.

I'm going to try another approach to setting goals. I'm hoping it will help.

Dear T,
Sorry for the pathetic email, but that's sort of where I'm at right now...

Love,
LT

hugs LT. pathetic is rather where I'm at right now too.