Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIV

I'm tempted to call you, but I don't want to burden others. Yet my distress level is extreme!

You have an email. There is one strictly relevant sentence.
The rest of it is either gibberish, or unknowable at the moment.
I'm sorry.

I rather think I don't want to talk tomorrow anymore. I pretty much got what I was needing from you last week. It's too late to cancel but I guess it would be good to show up anyway and hear what you have to say about the Active Imag that I'll be emailing to you in the morning; y'know, see if you think I'm on the right track with it or not. Sometimes when I do them and they really get cooking, when I read them later, I'm like, hmm did I just make all that up or is there really something to this? Sometimes I am really not sure. Because "Peter" was talking about you haha.

eta: oh yeah, almost forgot. I had another realization today I probably ought to share.

I hate my phone! I missed your call. And now I feel sick. I hate this

lately it seems like all the bad things happen on Tuesday. Which means you get me when everything is raw. Today was no different. Thank you for being there tonight to help ke wiel theough all the mixed emotions surrounding stepmom's death. Somehow you always seem to help me through. I actually think teletherapy was a huge benefit today. I was in such a state of shock and sadness I dont believe I would have been safe driving to our appointment.

Dear T:

I have existential crises every single day. What do I do about this?

You called, and didn't get through. I hate my cell reception in my home. I'm not okay. But I also feel like a burden.

Dear T,

I’m so confused. Please help me.

(I know you won’t, though)

-c

I keep telling myself if I feel this way tomorrow I will reach out but I don’t want to. I don’t want to be alone, either.

Are you really going to schedule me first when you go back to your office like you said you would or are you going to schedule just kids who are gonna have difficulty keeping their masks on at school?

Every problem is different but it doesn’t mean ones more important then the others. I’m tired of this crap that kids are more important then adults.

My dumb phone made me miss your call. It's more my cell reception than anything else. I'm tempted to call the office and ask to talk to you. But I'm also scared of them what you will say/do.

I hope that the email doesn't bring harm to me. I'm scared of your reaction. But you needed to know. I wish that there was more I could do, without consequences.

Strange session today. We both know that the way I have been feeling is not sustainable long term.
These emotional outbursts take an incredible toll. Crying feels like falling, and for now at least, there is nothing to hang on to.

Weirdly distracting, also, being able to see your (?) washing line in the background?

I feel sad today.

Thank you for offering one of your in-person sessions. Even though I had been thinking I really didn't need to talk today after all, last night's dream convinced me otherwise. Looking forward to seeing you even if it is with masks and no hugs.

I told you I would be at work, and yet you called. I can't listen to it. Grrr

Dear T,

That wasn’t helpful. Called it.

I don’t know what to do.

-c

H is starting to drive while I’m awake. He didn’t for a while because he wanted to make sure that I was okay. How do I tell him that I’m not okay without him freaking out? Why can’t I just tell him? Why do I do this to myself?

I miss you. 6 days.

Thank you. It was so nice seeing you in person for the first time since February, even with the covid restrictions. We do amazing work together don't we?!

Thank you for pushing me out of my comfort zone and making me do DBT class. Even though I do not have BPD, it has been so helpful for me. I can control my freak outs so much better now. I have been practicing mindfulness for at least 30 minutes each day since lock down and that is really improving and helping my mind settle as well. I know I still have a long way to go. As you say, therapy takes way too long but I am putting in the work and it is paying off. I still wish I could just come to sessions, talk about stuff and have you magically fix me but I know it does not work that way. Please remain patient with me as I continue on this journey. I know the worst is yet to come and I'm sure I will take many step backwards but I promise I will continue to try my best. Thank you for not putting up with any of my crap and continuing to believe in me. After 3 1/2 years, I am finally starting to not hate you anymore.

Oh and L, I am going to do an Active with the Drama Queen even though I made faces about it behind my mask heh heh. Should be interesting, if the last 2 are any indication!! I just love how excited you get about this Active Imagination stuff, I really do.

I hate this. I don't want to go to the ER, but I'm scared. I'm very sad, and fearful.

I wish I could be more like you. You seem to have such a great life, mine is so complicated

And the freak out about your august holiday begins.

I don't care I'm going to quit therapy before your break.

I have my little 'mascot', T.D., which is what I reach for when I'm crying in session these days.
Thing is, there's a huge difference between a cuddly toy, and actual human contact.
Even though it's progress, I am worried about the crying becoming a Thing.