Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIV

I've existed in a kind of haze since Thursday afternoon.
Whatever it is that I am becoming right now is almost too much.

Now, do I or don't I? I keep changing my mind..

Does it even matter? Would you even care?

I don't want you to go away on holiday.

I am afraid of the person I am becoming. Having feelings is hard, which is why I prefer not to, if I can possibly help it.

A-W-F-U-L awful.

I have so much too work for and I'm fighting the changes. I need to figure out a self care morning routine.

I’m not ok. I don’t wanna be here anymore, but I don’t want to hurt anyone. I feel worthless though, so would I really be hurting anyone by disappearing?

Ok I was wrong. Sorry.

You still have value even if you can't feel it yourself.

I feel resentment towards God, and all those that have hurt me, and those that have the potential to burn me. And I then I push people away, keeping them at arms length, not letting them know the real me. I don't even know the real me. I've even pushed myself away. I know it's possible to recover. But I need to work through the resentment to feel recovery. I'm not sure how to let people in, I feel like I haven't done it for 25 years, and I'm 32. I struggled growing up, because I resented my parents for making me move away from extended family and friends. I felt lost, and I lost out on opportunities to make connections. Help me!

well, well, well. apparently i was ready to hear everything you said last week. i will be ready to discuss much on the 15th.

you gave me a **** ton to think about you know lol

I hate your guts.

Guilt is here. Guilt is hard.

Dear T,
I'm pretty sure you were crying again today. Wiping multiple tears, it seemed. I generally look away then, like to try to give you privacy, pretending I didn't notice. But I looked at you for a moment today as you wiped what I presume was a tear. It felt we connected for a moment there, even though neither of us said anything. And then we went on to talking about other things. But I felt it, the empathy. And it wasn't like you were really trying to hide it. It was like you let me see you, for a moment.

Love,
LT

2 hours and 22 mins to go.

I hope you bring an umbrella.

i kept trying to talk to you in my head last night to tell you something and my mind kept wandering and i'd try again and next thing i knew it was morning. hmm.

Dear T. I need you today. I talk to you Saturday. I'm sure I'll be fine until then. My mood is low. My energy level is low. I feel particularly crappy. We are back to furloughing two days a week. Sigh. I don't want to be furloughed. I was feeling crappy even before that. Now I'm just crappy and worried. Well the Xanax is helping with the anxiety. I just want everything to stop hurting. Please. Make it stop. Hug Kit

I know the hospital wouldn’t be a bad place safety wise right now. But I think I can sleep and then skip my Wellbutrin and call my doctor in the morning. I swear I can make it through the night.

Ugh. These damn thoughts and feelings why couldnt I show them today during our appointment? Why do we stir them up a bit but I can't allow them until after our appointment ends?

I am new here and am unsure I am doing this correctly.
I would like to tell my therapist that I am unable to put into words what I doing at each meeting we have, because I feel like I am a different person everytime I see him.

80% likely I'll see you tomorrow.

I "see" you in 15 minutes. and we can talk about anything, as I'm the only one home. But I'm also at risk for addictive behaviors. I need to plan what I am doing today. But I'm holding myself back. Why?? I blame it on lack of sleep and exhaustion. But I know if I want to stay away from those behaviors I have to do something big to prevent them.

As I am the ONLY person that can stop. T (You) can't do it for me, NO one can.

You're doing it right.

How the hell did I get to the point where I'm scared I'm going to cry every session?