Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIV

There's a balance between the openness that is necessary for me to get through this period of time, and 'laying it all out on the carpet', as my wonderful Canadian friend introduced me to a couple of weeks ago.
I can feel myself beginning to withdraw, in all kinds of less than healthy ways.

Dear T: I am thinking of doing the exercise you suggested. That's as far as I've gotten. Since you've texted me, I now want to text you. But I don't want to start that form of communication. I don't want to have to anticipate your next text. Wish I could hug you today. Kit

I really would like to talk to you this week. But I don't have any good reason for it. You can't make the damn pandemic go away. I am working on re-establishing my spiritual practice so am hoping that will help.


Anxiety sucketh.

Dear T,

Things are not going well. I hate studying and apparently I'm not good at it anymore. (Not sure when that happened--as recently as January I was a real champ.) I don't think this thing with J is going to work out now that he lives in another town. And my stomach hurts.

I haven't told you that I went off my MAOI for a few weeks (I went back on it a few days ago), that all of a sudden I noticed that I can drink 32 oz of beer in an evening and not really feel anything (before COVID I used to get drunk off of half a beer), and that I'm still picking at my skin literally every day.

Maybe I should just tell you. But you would be so mad.

-c

Sometimes i think there will be times where I will feel just s**t and it doesn't matter how much I talk-it won't change anything.

I don't have words for how I feel right now. Paying you £45 an hour to watch me cry won't solve anything.

I went back to the pharmacy to see X's brother and give him the biscuits I bought after putting it off since I came back. I also offered to work a few hours to just help out.

P.s I also did check on the Uk website I'm not required to self isolate despite travelling.

Dear T,
Just frustrated with life in general right now...The car thing...everything.

Love,
LT

Dear Dr. S, that was one weird session. I don't know what to think about forgetting our end of session routine. We've only been doing it forever it seems. I don't feel like the person that has that routine. I was really confused when you first did your part of the routine, unsure what you were talking about. Then it was ah yeah, that's right we do this thing. BTW that was pretty sneaky how you slipped that question in. I guess we should talk about it some.

I kind of feel like I should email you about the routine thing. I don't have anything to say about it. It's hard to care about things when you feel like .."as if I matter" Just tired.

I also feel dangerously close to a binge - the pressure is getting really too much.

Maybe we should see each other in person sooner than planned.

-me

Thanks for nothing!

I wish we were seeing each other in-person because husband is home on vacation and can overhear everything i talk about so I'll have to censor myself.

Of all the sessions to lose internet connection, it had to be last night, just when you said something that I took very personally and we were discussing my abandonment issues. Having the last 10 minutes on the phone on the one day you scheduled an appointment after me was really hard. Literally it was the perfect storm for a bad appointment. Thanks to tropical storm Isaias....

I'm feeling sad today. I just got the news that one of my old camp co-counselors passed away this morning from an aggressive cancer. I only just found out a few days ago that she'd been sick; we hadn't been in touch since camp years in the 1980's but I remember her fondly. One of my other friends from those days that I'm still in contact with let me know. I'm sad about her family's loss, anxious about the pandemic, politics/the state of our country right now, and feeling stress about all the changes h has us in the middle of financially right now and I don't 'see' you again until 8/14. I'm hangin' in the best I can doing more online circles with my drumming group every week, and continuing my "deep journaling" which is therapeutic in itself. I'm able to catch myself at the beginning of anxiety attacks now and talk myself down and out of them, it's not easy by a long shot, but I'm doing it. I felt one coming on just writing this post here and I stopped for a few minutes to just breathe and focus on the good stuff that's happening right now too. Like my 2 friends who just sold their houses and are now full-time RV'ers. And my son got a new(er) car to replace the old heap that finally broke down. And my Mom, at 80 is healthy and so far avoiding covid by staying at home. And you recovered from having covid. There's still lots of good things. I can't let myself lose sight of them.

I keep thinking about you suggesting that I come in person and do some sand trays. I want to of course, I do, but I just can't help remembering how I felt after coming there in June when you sent that email saying it was too risky and you were going back to telesessions, how I felt so guilty because I had come in, I was so afraid that I had put you at risk somehow by doing so. I'm not sick now and I wasn't sick then but as I told you last week there's just so much we still don't know about this stupid virus. I know you feel invincible now because you got over it and you have what you call the cure, and I appreciate the information that you gave me, but still, I do not want you to get sick again. It is not worth the risk and I can't do it.

Dear T

We’ve talked a lot about how eerily similar we are in terms of our personalities, attachments, worldviews and hobbies. I have often wondered if this is you just faking it so I would trust you so you could do your job as a therapist effectively. But it’s been years and our conversations seem to have been genuine.

We have bonded over the years about painting and now we’re about to venture outside the therapy room to paint together. Is this a bad idea?

I’ve always been good at separating the you I see in therapy and the you I see outside of therapy. I’ve always been able to make that distinction well. Will I still be able to do that when we do this?

Dear T,
Please be kind and caring rather than defensive in your response.
Love,
LT

Did I just annoy you? I can't quite tell.

Dear T,
Thanks for that response and for going the caring not defensive route.
Love,
LT

I want to ask for reassurance that we will return to in person work at some point, but it feels too soon to be able to tell.
I know that we both find working virtually frustrating.

Dear T: Not sure exactly what I'm going to talk about on Saturday. I have a vague idea but I'm not sure. Please don't let this be a waste of my time. HUG Kit

You people are masters of passing out the kool-aid.

Thank you for once again helping me work through my insecurities and fears. Also for understanding why I sometimes get frustrated and help me understand your intents even when it either backfires or I misinterpret. One lesson from today is that I do project a lot onto others based upon my insecurities.

Just wish I didnt have to wait 2 weeks to bring it up and between appointments

Omgosh thank you for the texts and phone call/voicemail today. I feel very cared about. I'm sorry my phone was turned off and I didn't see them til a little bit ago otherwise I would have taken you up on a zoom session this afternoon. But I'll be okay until next Friday. I had a stressful couple of days but we got the financial paperwork done for the most part and now we're in a holding pattern for a couple of months so I can breathe again. I am still writing and I will likely have much to read to you by next time we talk. Lots of stuff is still coming up and I want to add to the Little Artie Meets Her Shadow story. I'm sorry if I made you worry by not responding to your texts earlier than I did. Your voice in the message you left was so caring it felt like a hug.

You really always DO know, don't you. Man. It's almost eerie.

Dear T,
Part of me wonders why you couldn't have been like this a year ago. But maybe we had to go through that mess last summer for our relationship to be like this? Or maybe it's the pandemic? Or both? Whatever it is, I hope it doesn't change. Because I like this, even though I'm a bit afraid of it. But...I also need to face things that I'm afraid of, right?

Love you,
LT

I am so grateful that you will answer my weird questions about masturbation like they are no big deal and even give me suggestions on what to use. You also will bring it up without me bringing it up first. I am glad you understand how much I need someone to talk to about stuff like this with what I am going through.

Dear T

Thanks for the phonecall. I guess we really needed to make sure we are clear about how we are going to proceed with having a different relationship in addition to what’s in the therapy room. I feel better about us coming up with guidelines so the roles don’t overlap. We have been basically doing a low stakes version of it for the past year anyway. I’m looking forward to spending time with you as fellow professional artists creating pieces together.