Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIV

I’m still amused that you tried to help me with my homework.

I want to know what you’re doing this week. You said specifically that you are unavailable, which is notoriously vague. I got the feeling that you wouldn’t tell me, which is some mind reading. I should have just asked.

Hope you're not creeped out by the father's day message.

...but no I won't even ask. I don't want even a tiny possibility of you getting sick again so online it is. Although I'm not much feeling the need to talk to you this week. You said some really effective stuff last week.

What if something bad is wrong

of course now i'm feeling all needy of you again. my son came over earlier to bring his dad a father's day card and some cookies and without thinking I said come on in expecting that h and i would both stay at least 6 feet away but of course i was so happy to see him (i miss him so darn much) i walked up closer to him before i caught myself. ****ing covid. i jumped back and went and sat on the couch and he stayed by the front door. h was standing there talking to him and kept moving closer and i kept telling him to back off. h refuses to wear a mask and he's had a cold or allergies or something for several weeks so of course i am paranoid that he has covid (he refuses to get tested so far but i'm wearing him down on that) now i'm scared shitless of course that h has it, meaning i have it without symptoms, and that we both just gave it to our son. and now he will take it home to his gf. fml

I feel that the pattern I am developing is alarming.
I seem to cry every session, and then find myself in suspended animation until the next one.
What happened last week was unbearable.

I can’t wait to see you. I have so much to talk to you about. I hope it goes well.

Dear T,
Thanks for sharing that you have regular extermination service for ants and that you've also had mice. It makes calling the exterminator for mice feel less shameful. And thanks for the validation about H. It's weird, with ex-MC, stuff like that would have been likely to cause or intensify ET or paternal transference. But with you, it feels like "my therapist is saying this." Like, my brain can draw the distinction. Perhaps it's your stronger, more consistent boundaries?
Love,
LT

well h checked on getting tested and his current lack of symptoms (well they are greatly diminished from a month ago, and he wasn't even that sick, his temp never went above 99.4 F and stuff) does not warrant him getting tested. If he had any new or worsening symptoms, they might. So I guess I should just chill the f out. Although you telling me to chill the f out would likely piss me off. Maybe he should get the antibody test instead. My brain was not built/never equipped to handle a pandemic.

Why do you put up with me? I would ask you, but it sounds such an attention seeking question. It's obviously not for the money since I am not paying you. It's obviously not for the pleasure of my company since I am unpleasant. You must be a martyr, masochist or madwoman.

i wonder why you put up with me, L.

Is there an echo in here?

I'm a little better. I had some anxiety come up because of a no-show. And I got through the anxiety. I looked around, and decided that I would let it go and not take it personally. A win.

Dear T,

I don't know what to say to you tomorrow.

-c

haha no, sorry, i read your post and it made me wonder the same thing about L.

Okay. I think I'm kinda getting used to teletherapy. It's not my first choice. But I can do it; I am doing it, and there are some good things about it.

Dear T,
H was cursing at D again tonight. For once, D came to me for comfort. She said that he's mad at her. I told her that even though he's mad at her, he still loves her. That I can be mad and still love her. I think it seemed to help? But at least she sat in my lap and let me hug her. I know she's struggling--tomorrow is her last day of school, her last day of meeting virtually with the special educator she loves for the school year. I'm trying to cut her a bit of slack. But H doesn't. Wish I could talk to you tomorrow. I mean, I imagine I could ask if you have any openings, but then I'd need to figure out timing with H, and...then if he's here, even with the white noise outside the door, I'd still feel self-conscious, I think. I'm just trying to hold on to your validating of me today regarding H. That I'm not overreacting. That you understand why I'm bothered by it. How it's not OK. But, I don't know how to deal with it from here?

Love you,
LT

ExT you have repainted the outside of your building an unattractive colour. I dont know why this is affecting me. I also found one of your writings and its interesting that you describe your wife and children as beautiful but your dog as beloved. I never knew you had a dog

L,
I love you even when there are hurts. But damn can you write a lot! It's like karma for all the "novels" I've written to people. I love reading it all, and it's a lot when you want me to respond back. I know you say your brain works differently, but I love you and your brain.

Can we please try to never miss each other again? It's too painful.

Why? I feel okay then I feel like crap. And the cycle repeats itself. I'm tired of doing nothing. I want to do something but I don't know what. It's hard to make choices when you don't even want to recognize the costs.

Dear T: I am missing you today. Wish I could talk to you but Saturday will come soon enough. Virtual hug even though we have never hugged in person. Kit

I hope you don’t have any bad or stressful news for me like you did last week or I’m going to set myself on fire. Although your probably gonna be like have those matches ready... because you usually do have bad news.

T,
I am so MAD at you. And I"m so upset at myself. I don't know what to do. I have the other T later today, but I feel like I"m decomposing. It's not good. and no I"m not returning to group! I"m on the edge again. I hate this. WHy does it have to be this way? I seem like I can't change and I'm just mad at me! I talked to my pdoc at the IOP program and I feel like I have screwed up so bad that I can't get back on track. I'm upset and not much can change my mind. I may have to take that new drug, because it may be the only thing that helps to turn things around.

Dear T,

I’m not going to do what you asked. I’m done talking about this and plan to stand my ground.

-c

Thank you for supporting me today and leading me in the right direction. I will try my best to deal with this issue. I really wish it was behind me so I can continue working on the old issues but I guess this is a result of the old issues that I need to learn from.