Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIV

Is it the 24th yet?!

Dear T,
I was going to email you tonight because of the distress of how D was acting while H was getting his MRI. But then I thought how tomorrow is your day off. And you'd likely reply anyway. But this isn't so urgent that I need you to reply then. So I'll see how I'm feeling tomorrow. I also wonder if part of this is feeling less connected to you in session today and seeking a connection over email. Which I suppose is OK, too. But I wanted to figure out my real reason before reaching out. So, staying quiet for now.
Love,
LT

I will never forget you! Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all that you did for me, saving my life twice, and so much more. It kills me more than you will ever know that you permanently terminated me. Bye, my dearest therapist, forever.

Thank you for being so kind to me. I’m sorry I messed up.

This is garbage. I cannot focus on anything. I don't think I'm finishing the master's program. I know if I quit I'd be disappointed though. Why did I sign up then?

I promise I’ll try to be productive in the session next week. I know you said that you felt like I was holding back. But maybe try not to say multiple really anxiety provoking things right at the start of the session.

Everything is disintegrating, but somehow you are still there. For that, I thank you.


I've never felt this...broken...before.

C (new t),

I didn't like that you called my volunteer work my extracurricular activities. I'm not a student and I'm not working so it is really is my own activity, not an extra activity. I need you to know that I don't exactly have a lot going for me.

-Butterfly

T,
I only said that to get you off my case. I hated the session today. I want to run away. I am not in control, totally. I have limited access to parts of me. And I hate this!!

I talked with a random psychologist twice this spring because of the covid-anxiety. I have to say it felt ridiculous and useless and he was totally ridiculous as well! It made me realize few things: Firstly, I am my own best resource these days, I can do much more useful and insightful things without anyone totally useless and secondly, you were a great therapist. And maybe that's why I thought I could talk to someone, but it was not how I imagined it.

Woke up feeling especially down today.

Another reason why inpatient is not a good idea is my foot wouldn't survive being barefoot. Going there means more pain! That's the last thing I need. So yes, I'll be safe, even if I'm grumbling all the way!

I hope the wildfires aren't getting too close to your house. It seems like our whole state is on fire while at the same time our Covid cases are climbing alarmingly. Last night I went out with my camera/tripod and took pictures of the fires in the mountains all around us (from a safe distance of course). These are such scary times in our beautiful desert. I know you're not watching the news. But surely you have seen all the smoke and if you've been outside at night, you've seen the glow from the fires. How can you not be scared?!

I went out of the state that I live in. It felt good to get away. But it was a distraction, and that's all. I am doing what I can to keep me out of the hospital, and I'll focus on doing things besides watching TV. I did get to direct the driver where to go, that got my focus on something else. I want to disappear still. I want my problems to disappear. But they won't. And I know that won't change unless I change. Change sucks. I know it will be good for me, but I am scared.

I'm crossing the river now, the clouds are gorgeous!! The way the light is hitting makes it look beautiful.

I'm trying to distract and not get sucked in to the pit of despair. There is always doubt. I know you trusted me to keep me safe, but I do use excuses to not call. And I haven't told you I do that. In the back of my mind I know I'll be safe, because I'm afraid of the pain. Yet I'm always afraid of the pain of life. I want change, but I want it to happen for me. Typing this hurts, emotionally.

I'm sure glad we have an appointment Monday. I have questions for you, I need to have some sense of order and what to expect in the coming 2 months. I know this is a miserably stressful time for all of us, but surely you have some idea of what we can expect by late August.

I miss you.

Dear T,

I hope you don’t hate me for sending those emails. I’m just so sad and so lonely.

-c

Defeated is not a feeling I like having. Crying every session is new, and horrible.
I know I need to accept myself when this happens, but that is hard.

Wow, I’ve missed you an awful lot this week. It feels like a never ending space between us.

Five of our 12 allocated sessions are now over and already I feel that dreaded sense of rejection that I know is coming. There is so much I desperately want to tell you and you keep encouraging me to tell you, but if I do you are not going to be there to help me through it. Once we get to 12 sessions, you’re gone. Why are you allowing me to start trusting you? I told you this is what I was worried about. I can see myself at the end of the 12 sessions at a point where I have started to become attached to you l. I’m desperately trying to not let that happen by not opening up fully. You said you would be careful to make sure that the ending wouldn’t make me feel bad or rejected but if you really cared and wanted to help you would let me continue seeing you. Like everyone else you just pretend to care and you probably can’t wait to see the back of me. You’re the first person I feel like understands me. You’re the first person I feel like I could really work with and be honest with. Yet that isn’t going to happen because there is a capped amount of sessions. I’m so angry at you for this even though you have been honest about it from the start. Once it’s over I’ll be left alone to try and cope we know how that usually ends. Is there really any point in continuing with the rest of the sessions? Probably not but I can’t bring myself to stop them.

I really needed to cry today but of course I couldn't. I feel beyond awful now.

I hope this week’s session is better than last week. I can’t believe that I cried the entire session last time.

I hate that it is Sunday and Father's day. Found out today H is very quickly dying. The signs ate all there. They said she might not pass today but it is happening. I think Fathers day is an inappropriate day to contact you so I will keep struggling to make it through the day.

I will make it a point to invite "Peter" on Wednesday. I should really ask if I can come in person afterall, shouldn't i.

I am exhausted from whatever the heck is wrong with me.