Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIV

I love you. I don't want to stop therapy, I just don't want to live with the pain of this intense attachment and knowing you have family kills me inside.

P.S but I am so massively grateful to you and all that you offer me. You go above and beyond your profession for me and I notice it all even if I have no words.

i've got pre-session nerves. i know it's just you. what am i so nervous about. aside from the email i sent you last week. it's not going to be an easy conversation is it? i wish h would go outside or something. i hate not having privacy.

Hmm what is this sadness about. I hope you are ok. I really want to touch you. Isn’t that annoying coming from me.

Ps. Really hoping that wasn’t an accidental post.

Those things you said near the end of my session today... I know they were suggestions for what I need to say to little me but... big me needed to hear someone say them to me... so much.... I didn't even realize. I'm sorry I cried when you said them but my heart needed to hear it so very much. is it still maternal transference if you were my grandma just then?! oh man. my heart.

eta: oh and I forgive you (obviously) for that comment about "high drama". In retrospect, I suppose that's what it was and you were probably right in your reaction of "Not this again." Might not have been a warm and fuzzy answer, but it was also honest and besides I pretty much feel the same way.

You suck. You don't really , hello negative transference.

I can't believe I am saying this but I really need you tomorrow,. My mother is a crazy, psychotic, witch. And she says I am the liar and crazy one. Please help me.

It is NOT in the past. It is NOW. It is still going on.

As helpful as you were today and last week, I don't want to do this anymore beyond next week. Call it drama if you want to. I don't care; a couple of the things you said today felt a bit harsh even though I know they were true. Maybe that's why I cried so hard at the end when you said those 2 things I so needed to hear. I felt like I was little and my grandma was hugging me again, moreso than I have ever felt that way with you in 8 years.

It's because you helped me see today that it is time for me to start taking responsibility for my own life, for my own happiness, no more excuses, no more drama, no more constantly apologizing for who I am. I'm glad you said everything that you said today, even the harder to hear stuff. Especially the harder to hear stuff. Thank you.

L, I woke up this morning literally feeling like a new person. What you said yesterday plus the Active Imag I did last night really did something. Why did I ever stop doing Actives? Man. In the one I did last night I had a good discussion with 'creeper guy' / 'Sad man' aka my Animus and he told me something even harder to hear than what you said yesterday. Wowsa. But I feel like I have changed in a really good way. A change that has been cooking for a good while now. Well, ding, the timer rang. I don't think we even need next week's session; I think I need to just live this for awhile. I'm so glad you said those tough-love things yesterday. So glad. Thank you.

You know that "I don't need you to respond to this" actually translates as "please care enough about me that you will respond to this email, regardless of what I say", don't you? Be a mind reader and treat me like a child. Anticipate my needs. Hang on my every word and pay me maximum attention. Behave like you love me instead of just saying it. Urgh. You make me rage.

Thirteen minutes later and still no email notification from you. If this carries on, I will be forced to email you again and then you will be sorry because I know some really good swear words and my working class roots mean I am not afraid to use them.

I've thought about it more and I know that you were right. I want to email you and tell you so, and send you the latest active that I did -it's a good one, better than the previous one. But yeah I wouldn't want you to go and get a big head or anything so I won't.

Thank you. Today was excruciating...
Fact is, I probably wouldn't let myself go there if you were in the same room...
But...if you were in the same room, everything would be normal.
And it's really not.

Why can't I get the courage to call you???

I called you. What I didn't say was there are a few thoughts of sui, more yellow flags. I feel off. I don't know what I want with life and that scares me.

Thank for for listening and talking me down today. Thank you for saying you believe me and teaching me that I have so much further to go then most other people. Thank you for noticing and pointing out that I am trying my hardest despite having to take the hard road. Thank you for telling me that none of it is fair.

You replied!

Why is it that what you see as growth, I see as me falling apart and you helping me to keep it together?

Dear T: I need you. Dang it. Kit

hey s,

your comment about throwing up in session was oddly comforting. you didn’t even know that was a fear of mine! thank you.

me

also, do i tell you that “t” emailed and offered me a session? he’s confusing me.

I love you

Dear T,

I wish you would have just told me how you felt last Friday. Would that have been so hard? I feel hurt, like maybe you believe I was asking something inappropriate. It’s like S was saying, I wanted to have a shared dialogue about what happened and you were making it all about me. I get that it’s my therapy about my problems... but bro, you’re in the room too. Your personhood, your frikking dignity ffs, matters to me. I dunno if you were embarrassed for tearing up and hiding behind your professional obligation to me or if you genuinely did not understand what I could possibly be curious about or what. I don’t even know what I wanted from you. But I’m awfully disappointed that I didn’t get it. I wish you would have just given it to me, or at least helped me figure it out.

I want to cancel our next session, withdraw from you. I don’t know if I’m withdrawing because I’m hurt or to punish you or both? Probably both.

I hope you won’t be mad that I brought this up in group with S. I didn’t tell them about the other time you cried because I didn’t want to embarrass you.

Ya know, we talked about that just fine without you clamming up. Wtf was today about?

-c

L, I asked him. His name is Peter. This strikes me as quite funny and I wonder if you will laugh when I tell you. I was reading about Anima/Animus last night and read that Jung actually gave names to the Anima stages men go through, but I haven't yet found any names he gave to the Animus stages women go through. I am curious to say the least.

eta: "Peter" means rock, right? That sorta makes sense, actually. So, maybe not so funny.

Dear T,

And I can't even explain why. I know I'm supposed to call you when I feel like this but I don't want to talk to you. Or do I? I don't even effing know.

-c

I need you to call me. I'm trying to distract myself but I know talking would also help, but it has to be to you! I'm depressed, and I'm scared of the future. Why can't I move forward? Why am I stuck in the past?