[Iamher3]

My T said this to me today. When i told him i M unable to do some self care. No matter how much i want to, i plan to and i try to.

I fail. It overwhelms me. It feels too much.

After i told how i had tried to do xyz and couldnt.

“ do you think you will feel better if you did xyz”

“Yes”

“And You dont want to feel better?”

“I do”

Well thats why i am in therapy, thats y i m attempting self care and talking about it with u.
Because it’s important to me and i m unable to do it.

This one question of his has sent me several steps back. Why would he say that? He thinks i m intentionally trying to not get better???

I feel more sad, depressed and now i m back in my dark room and dont want to go out. I m even skipping work tomorrow. I just need to self reflect.

Am i reading his question wrong? I dont know why this question from Him hurts so much.

[MissUdy]

I would think he asked that question, hoping you would answer yes, and sometimes when we say things out loud they become more believable and attainable. I don’t think it meant anything bad by it, but they do like to challenge us don’t they. Im not great at self care either, in my case I don’t feel like I deserve it most of the time. Sorry he hurt you and wasn’t more careful with his words.

[CharlieStarDust]

I had a similar experience. I was talking about my inability to function properly and she asked me when was I going to take action, instead of just talking. Ouch. But she was right. And as hard as it was to hear, it helped propel me forward. I think it's worth taking note and examining what are your barriers are to doing self care, and what does feeling better look like to you, and if that's still overwhelming, maybe try to look at breaking those tasks into smaller, more manageable ones.

[ArtleyWilkins]

In the depths of depression, I felt the same inability for self care. My therapist understood that, but he also understood continuing to do the same thing was going to keep me stuck, if not even make my condition worse. So yes, he pretty bluntly confronted me about the need to do something, anything, differently.

He did go a step further than what you are telling us your therapist did maybe (or maybe you just didn't add that information). He helped me come up with one small thing I could do differently to work toward my health. In my case, it was walking. Right away I said no way. I can't walk. I don't have the energy, etc. So we made a plan. Just walk out the door and one house down and back. Do that once a day (more times if I started feeling able, but not longer or I might get overwhelmed). Do that for a few days and after a few days if I felt able, add another house distance or so and back, etc.

Sure, the short distance wasn't really doing much for my physical health, but it was a small goal that was attainable, and it DID do something for my mental health. It took guts and choice.

Sometimes when you are in the depths of depression, you have to force yourself to move - just take it in small steps, whatever the task. It doesn't have to be walking. This week I've had to do some of this to get my butt out my chair and fight the anxiety I am feeling about returning to work (teaching) - been feeling a bit paralyzed. So Monday, I picked one cabinet in my kitchen to organize. Tuesday I did a couple more. It's Thursday now and my mental energy has improved and I've just about reorganized my cabinets. Small steps.

[Omers]

Ugh. A severe lack of empathy... something a T needs to have. Shaming someone into feeling better is not going to work.

Perhaps he is right, maybe a part of you doesn't want to get better. It is frightening to do things differently when you feel so under resourced. Being unwell is familiar and when we are unwell we can receive support. The fact that you have had such a strong reaction to his question indicates that there is some deep material to be looked at. You might be showing resistance to the question because he has hit on a truth spot and it hurts.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by ArtleyWilkins

In the depths of depression, I felt the same inability for self care. My therapist understood that, but he also understood continuing to do the same thing was going to keep me stuck, if not even make my condition worse. So yes, he pretty bluntly confronted me about the need to do something, anything, differently.

He did go a step further than what you are telling us your therapist did maybe (or maybe you just didn't add that information). He helped me come up with one small thing I could do differently to work toward my health. In my case, it was walking. Right away I said no way. I can't walk. I don't have the energy, etc. So we made a plan. Just walk out the door and one house down and back. Do that once a day (more times if I started feeling able, but not longer or I might get overwhelmed). Do that for a few days and after a few days if I felt able, add another house distance or so and back, etc.

Sure, the short distance wasn't really doing much for my physical health, but it was a small goal that was attainable, and it DID do something for my mental health. It took guts and choice.

Sometimes when you are in the depths of depression, you have to force yourself to move - just take it in small steps, whatever the task. It doesn't have to be walking. This week I've had to do some of this to get my butt out my chair and fight the anxiety I am feeling about returning to work (teaching) - been feeling a bit paralyzed. So Monday, I picked one cabinet in my kitchen to organize. Tuesday I did a couple more. It's Thursday now and my mental energy has improved and I've just about reorganized my cabinets. Small steps.

Artley, this sounds like what my T has suggested for the agoraphobia that hit during the pandemic. And his approach worked, if a bit slowly in the beginning and with some setbacks--I said it also helped that I was being accountable to him, like he'd ask me each session if I'd left the house at all. So I'd think "OK, I need to do something so I can report back to him." And it helped his seeming proud of me for even what I thought were really tiny steps.

[LonesomeTonight]

Iamher3, I don't see how your T just asking you that without offering any actual suggestions (assuming he didn't) is helpful. Techniques like that might work on certain clients, but not others. It would make me feel bad, too. And it sounds like he doesn't really understand depression. If it was as easy as simply wanting to feel better, then there would be no need for therapists really. I would tell him how what he said made you feel.


Going off what Artley said, if your T could help you come up with small things you could do, that seems more helpful. Just really small steps at a time. Not "I'm going to eat 3 meals and day and exercise 3 times a week and shower daily and...and...." Because that's overwhelming. Start with something really small that seems doable.

I think what Artley and LT are describing is a more CBT, even mentor/coaching, approach. Some people find that useful, especially if measurable progress is motivating for you. However, there is great value for me in looking at my strong resistances and exploring my internal dialogues which accompany those. I often feel bad as a result of this because it is not comfortable or pleasant to look at those unwelcome parts of me, but I don't consider therapy to be a feel-good endeavour.

[Rive.]

He thinks i m intentionally trying to not get better???

Not necessarily. Sometimes, it is unconscious where a part of us is not willing (or scared, uncomfortable etc.) to do what needs to be done in order to get better.

After all, there is no physical force preventing you from doing the stuff you need to do yet there is a resistance (mental, emotional...) that is preventing you from taking the steps you need to take in order to get better.

That is an interesting question and makes one think of underlying motivations re why we remain stuck.

[susannahsays]

My therapist has said similar things and I find it invalidating and frustrating. I don't think she understands how completely overwhelmed I am by my current depression. It doesn't help that I have executive functioning deficits even when I feel good. Trying to organize myself when I'd rather be dead feels insurmountable.

I've been staying in bed all day for about 3.5 months at this point. My self care is almost nonexistent.

One time she said maybe I'm unhappy because I won't "let myself" feel better and that made me mad.

I have had severe depression since I was maybe 8, and bad anxiety even before that. There was one period about 3 years ago when I was doing pretty well, but I don't know how to get back there. Quarantine has made me much worse, yet she keeps saying I wouldn't be doing what I'm doing if the pandemic wasn't going on. She says this as an argument that I should be able to do stuff. I think that's dumb and she might as well tell me that I'd be running a marathon if my leg wasn't broken.

Anyway, I don't think it's helpful when therapists phrase what they say in such ways. When my therapist has said similar things to me, it feels like she's calling me lazy and it increases my feelings of desperation, fear, and hopelessness because I have no idea how to make myself feel better and simply telling me my behavior is harmful to me and I need to do things just increases the existing stress I have over the situation.

Sometimes she does give me specific tasks, and that is somewhat more helpful. However, she underestimates how long it takes me to do anything and how distracted I get, so her expectations are sometimes out of touch. She also speaks rather disapprovingly and insinuates I'm overstating how overwhelming I find things. I think that mostly has to do with her not understanding executive functioning deficits.

Last session she threatened that I might have to go live in a residential facility.

Anyway, I get what it's like to be sort of criticized when you are struggling and feel overwhelmed.

[MoxieDoxie]

My x-T felt clients to not want to get better because then the support they receive will stop and they will have to take care of themselves.

[Iamher3]

Thanks everyone. It has been helpful to read the responses.

It was actually about walking. I m unable to get out of the house and go for a walk. T said this is not related to your inability to function. You log in for work every single day. You do tasks for others. When it comes to taking care of yourself, you do not.

It is true, if a friend needs help. I ll b there. I dont skip work. But making healthy meals, cleaning the house, exercising, stepping out of the house etc are very hard and over whelming. If i do it or dont do it, it effects no one but me. Theres no accountability. I get to the park and the walk seems endless, so I dont get out of the car. I drive back home. So T said issue is something different then Functionality.

I pay out of pocket, so faster i get better i can drop therapy and save money. I am not overly attached to my T, so i dont think i need reasons to be unwell thus continue seeing him.