Is it ok to email my therapist while she’s on vacation?

I thought she was on vacation last week so I didn’t really email her. But I had the wrong dates and she’s actually gone this week. So at the session on Tuesday she said she felt like I had been holding back on the emails because I thought she was on vacation. I really want to email her because things have been rough and I know she said that she’s not going to read or answer them until she gets back. But I also don’t want to disrupt her vacation if she does happen to look at them. Yet she did say I could email her and I don’t want to get talked to for “holding things back” at our session in 10 days.

What are your thoughts?

My therapist is on vacation this coming week and I'll email her. I certainly don't expect replies, though. I email her work email, so she won't see anything until she returns, which is fine.


If your T expects you to email her, then yeah, I think you should.

I TRY not to email while they are on vacation. However, both of my Ts have said it is okay but we also discuss that it may take some time for them to check their messages and repsond. T is in vacation this week and she told me to text her of I need it. She will likely not heck her work messages often but she knows often just writing it down and sending it to her is helpful. If she did not say it was okay to message her, I would not.

My thoughts are - your T told you it was okay to email her while she is on vacation.

IF she told you it was okay to email, I would email.

It's different if a T is anti-email or doesn't respond. Yours is inviting you to do so.

This is why clear boundaries need to be established. No guess work on what the T meant, no feeling guilty if you email or contact out of session. I would he mail her as you wish and at next session ask what outside session is acceptable. This will take away all the torturous back and forth in your head if you should or shouldn't.

I agree with some others that if you said you should email her, then emailing her on vacation is fine. My T also allows emails when he's away and also responds--he typically lets me know that he'll be reading/responding to emails once a day (generally in the morning). And he'll make it very clear to me that it's fine to email because he knows I worry about bothering him (well, bothering anyone, really). So I would take your T at her word that emailing while she's on vacation is OK. As my T would say, if she tells you she's OK with it, but actually isn't, then that's on her for not communicating her true feelings, not on you for not reading her mind. Go by what she says.

It's not your responsibility whether or not she chooses to read her e-mails. If you're really anxious about it you can put "Not urgent" or "When you're back from vacation." If it's helpful to you to send the e-mail to get your thoughts out I'd go ahead. If you think you'd end up waiting for a response, then set the expectation with yourself that there will be no response and that you'll follow up on it in session. Don't deny yourself an outlet, unless your therapist has set that limit. If you do have urgent issues, however, follow the procedure of using your coping skills or going to the hospital if needed.

It sounds like she explained that she won't be reading or replying to them while on vacation, but you are welcome to email understanding that. If it helps you to send emails that you know will not be looked at until after she returns, then write them. If she changes her mind and decides to look at them, that is her choice.

I am of the belief that unless a therapist tells the client that email is ok and will get back to them its only fair to leave the therapist alone when they are on vacation or whatever. I just feel that they are entitled to their own lives and are not on call 24/7. And I think having the client practice the skills they learn in therapy.

It sounds like your T has made clear her stance which is that you can email if you need to but she won't be reading them until she's back. I understand your worry about whether it's okay but, like Artley said, it's for her to decide whether she chooses to look while away after all. You only need to decide whether it feels helpful for you to email her in the meantime and leave the rest to her. Also, it's best to assume she won't be looking at all....I only say that because if it were me I'd have a tiny bit of hope that maybe she would read some/all of them and reply and I'd end up disappointed. The best approach is to do what's right for YOU in this situation knowing that T is happy for you to email if needed but isn't going to respond while away.

So I emailed her last night and I explained that I had been in a crisis the other night. And she replied a few minutes ago saying that if I can’t keep myself safe to go to the ER and all that. And she also said that she won’t be able to look at her email again. And now I feel really bad like she won’t be able to enjoy the rest of her vacation because she’ll be thinking of me the whole time. I know you guys said it was on her if she checked it but I still feel bad.

I know you've already emailed your T and got an answer. I do often email my T when she's on vacation. For over a year now, we have daily contact so when she takes time off or time away she lets me know if she won't have email access or is unsure about her email access. This is not to tell me to not write, but to set my expectations around her reply.

I think it was ok to email your T and let them know what is going on for you. It sounds like your T is ok with you emailing her again before she gets back; however, you should not expect an answer because she is out of contact. It might feel good to give her updates even if it is saying that 'stuff is tough and you are doing the best you can at hanging in there' just in case she takes the moment to see her emails. It might help resolve some of those feelings of -- hmm as I read your post, I get the sense that it is feelings of guilt because of somehow you are ruining her vacation. I'm not so sure that is an accurate statement of what might be happening to her. Sure it's a maybe, it's a possibility; what is the probability? I know.. a logical answer to a feeling. My hope is that with your T, and with any T, they will be able to enjoy their vacation while they have moments where they think about you and send thoughts/hopes of calmness and so on.

I only sent those 2 and today in the session I did get talked to about them. I felt like she was kinda mad at me about them. Today just didn’t go well.

Ugh, I'm sorry, like she seemed upset you'd sent them?

Yeah. She said she felt like she had to respond and that if she hadn’t seen them and I had done something then she could have lost her job. I wish she would have just told me not to email her then if it would have been an issue. I don’t get why she was telling me all this stuff about me holding back on the emails and then giving me a hard time about them when I did send them.

UGH, that seems confusing. I'm sorry that happened to you.

Hugs. This is similar to something my T said a year ago when I emailed while in crisis on a Friday night. He doesn't usually reply to emails except in the morning (unless it's about scheduling), but he told me later that he felt "trapped" into responding. And also mentioned something about liability. What he actually ended up writing at the time upset me, then his explanation later of feeling "trapped" and also that he was frustrated with me led to a rupture.

So I imagine that's what your T meant. It was painful for me because it felt like he cared about his career more than about my well-being, but he said it was both.

I'd talk to your T about how you're feeling for sure though.

I have been following this forum, but just haven't replied to anything. It has seems like emails between you and your therapist has led to some challenges in your relationship with her. What I learned in my own therapy with my therapist is that communication between the therapist and the client is a key component in developing a strong therapeutic relationship. I have friends and family who are therapist and I know for a fact, they truly care about their clients, but at the same time, they need to also protect themselves. That does not mean you don't matter and that they don't care. As a client, I try my best to understand my therapist point of views and actions before jumping into conclusions that she is upset with me or doesn't care. I know my therapist cares about me a whole lot regardless of what boundaries she has set with me and all of her other clients. I suggest (take it or leave it) to try your best to communicate with your therapist around emails and the expectations around emails. I would try to hear her and understand her because that is what all relationships is about. Communicating is hard work, but that was really what helped my therapist and I repair all the misunderstandings we have had together. I love the relationship that we have and I love how she shows she cares in other ways other than responding to emails/text.

That's confusing. If she told you you can email, even gave you a hard time for holding back, then it seems quite unreasonable to now be upset with you. It's her responsibility to look after herself and be clear about boundaries, not yours to try guessing what is or isn't OK. It's possible that she didn't think through all the implications when she told you you could email, and was unprepared for a crisis situation, but even then, why make that your problem? Discussing what is / isn't manageable for her, and what to do when in crisis would be sensible, but from the way you put it, sounds like that's not what she was doing? Maybe ask her to clarify why she was telling you those things?

I am not saying you did anything wrong. You did what you thought was the right thing to do. I am just offering my experience. My T is not a huge fan of outside contact from clients other than scheduling. We have discussed it a couple of times because she realizes it is beneficial to me. However, she made it well known from the beginning she is really bad at checking her work account (she prefers text over email). She does not reply to every one unless she thinks I really need it OR I specifically ask. If I ask to speak to her. when she checks her messages, she will respond with options of times when she is available.

In the beginning she also said that one of the reasons she avoids it is because of fear of clients making statements of being unsafe or suicidal.

I absolutely understand feeling that an email and ,hopefully receiving a response,from your therapist is the only option at times-waiting for a response and then getting a formulaic response or none at all is tortuous
But , working in a 24/7 veterinary field I also understand sometimes feeling almost “emotionally blackmailed” however unintentional it is-eg if I’m away or not on call people do turn up at my house or stop me in the road- I would also be disciplined by my governing body if I did not provide emergency treatment - this may be followed by me making a referral to the on call vet but the initial responsibility is mine
I’m not sure that therapists have a such an obligation and their governing body especially around private one person practices seems very feeble to me -
I think they should be clear- I’m away from .to.and won’t be available-please dial nhs 111 or go to a & e

It's worth noting that Mountaindewed is not an animal and that their therapist is not a veterinarian. Therapists and clients can negotiate email boundaries without breaching boundaries.