How to make video sessions comforting?

Does anyone have any tips on how to make video sessions feel comforting/like I’m being held by T? I’m struggling with the lack of face to face contact, but I feel like there are definitely benefits to Zoom sessions. They feel intimate in their own way, I’m just struggling to see that now. I was able to appreciate them more at the start, but something triggered me lately and I’m in danger mode/ feel like he’s slipping away from me. We’ve spoken about this and will continue to do so...I’m just wondering if there’s anything I can do to empower myself and make zoom sessions feel special as a temporary measure. If I don’t manage to do this, I feel like I am going to lose my mind, I’m at tipping point.

Also, I’m really sorry for posting so much about this lately. I know it’s an awful situation for everyone.

I’ve been unable to keep zoom or phone appointments through the pandemic. I started with zoom fitness classes and began sitting with my dog until the class began. That was helpful for me. As soon as the option became available, others too decided to go back into the gym. I’m patiently waiting for Dr.’s office to reopen. I find the environment there to be peaceful and good reason to get out of the house. Plus, I do enjoy wearing a comfortable new outfit that I wouldn’t normally wear lounging around the house.

Can you do the zoom session in your car in the parking lot of where his office was? Before we went back to in person session I would go sit in the parking lot sometimes.

Just because many people are struggling with remote sessions doesn't mean it isn't difficult for you. Post as much as you need and as repetitively as you need. Something might shift as you continue to write about it.

Are there some practical things you could do to bring your therapist into the room with you? For example, I light my oil burner with an essential oil which has significance for us. Maybe lighting a candle? Is there a texture or material which you associate with your therapist or therapy? You could hold that during session. Is there a particular drink you would take to therapy or have before/after session? I would think about the different senses and how you can soothe those senses during a session.

Keeping the connection live and close is not easy. Would you feel comfortable talking to your therapist about what you DO remember about them or their presence?

I haven't struggled with remote sessions, I prefer them because they suit my (historic?) need to remain distant and protected. I remember her physical presence fondly though and sometimes wonder if I would like to see her again.

It is really difficult for many which doesn't mean you shouldn't post about it. I am really struggling with the same thing. I appreciate others posting it as it helps me feel a little less needy about it.

I finally broke down over the weekend and asked her if we could talk about it this week. My appointment is tonight and I have horrible anxiety over it. In the long run I know it will be worth it.

Oh great idea. I have always found that holding a cup of coffee or tea from my favorite coffee shop comforting. I have been saving the money and getting water at home. Tonight I will try getting one.

I do a couple of the things that Comrademoomoo mentioned. I have this calming essential oil roll-on that I would always put on before virtual sessions, and I associate that smell with seeing my T. I try to remember to put it on before video sessions, and it helps. I'm generally drinking the same "fizzy water" (Perrier or San Pellegrino) that I did in person, and T is drinking his coffee in a travel mug.

It also helps that my T is doing most of the sessions from him regular office rather than his home. If your T is at his home (and you don't normally meet him there), I wonder if he could bring something from his office that you could see?


I find it also helps to do a little chatting about lighter things some sessions to help with the connection (well, I guess I did that in person as well). And joking around a bit at times (including dark humor when I'm not in the best place). Seeing my T smile and hearing him laugh helps me feel connected and comforted that it's still *him*. I'm not sure what your T's personality is like, if he'd be willing to be a bit more relaxed for part of a session.


And something small like waving hello and/or goodbye could help. I also find it helps for me to be the one to end sessions--I specifically requested this early on, and he always lets me be the one to "leave meeting." Just a few thoughts.

I have my dogs with me and her blanket she gave me. One time we played a game (battleship), and we almost always ask a question about each other at the start (what's your favorite xyz, if you won the lottery, yea or coffee, etc.). Just simple things to connect with each other. Sometimes I light incense. I gave her a bracelet of mine to hold onto. We email and do phone calls between sessions to keep up the connection.

I find it very difficult. You would think because I do get to see her 1 to 2 weeks a month in person that I would have a better connection. But honestly it's lile whiplash, constantly get readjusted to each type of session. My area is about to go on lock down again, so I wonder if she'll reduce in-person sessions.

I struggled mightily with video sessions, too. While other people talked about getting used to things on-line, I felt like it just got worse and worse for me as the week/months went on. He became "less real" all the time, until he didn't seem like himself at all. I even tried a new therapist for four sessions, a therapist who was still seeing people in person with precautions. But I didn't click with the new therapist. So we (old T and I) talked about it quite a bit and experimented and I was able to turn the corner. I will never find video sessions the same as in-person, but they became doable. Here are some things I/we did:

• I brought home a couple of things from his office (a disc of wood that I often held in session, a mug I usually used, and we each brought home a stuffed animal). If I'm not feeling connected, I'll sit with the stuffed animal and he will show me where his is (it's the same animal, so they feel connected even if we're not).
  
• I cleared time before and after therapy - at first 30 minutes, just to get the space so it felt right and to clear my mind or daily/home stuff; then 15 minutes, now 5. I would do a little yoga, use essential oils, and "clear and protect" the space. I picked the "safest" place in my house, and it's my special space. I always have the wooden disk next to me, and the mug (filled with coffee or tea).
  
• My entire family is under strict instructions to stay out of the upstairs when I have therapy. If I can hear anyone upstairs near me, it kicks me out of the therapy mindset.
  
• I had asked him in advance if I could see his space (home office), and in our first session, he briefly swiveled his computer so I could see the room. It didn't feel like enough, so I asked him in the next session if he'd do it again, but slower. He picked his computer up and walked it to every wall, every corner of the room. He showed me the pictures on his wall, the books on his bookshelf, the chair he sat on, the door, even the rug (since in his office I often stare at the rug). He walked me to the window and we looked out together, he noted it was garbage day, he told me how many kids live on the block.
  
• One thing I don't like about video therapy is, when I look away, it's like he disappears. In the room, I rarely look at him, but can still feel his presence with me. So I try to look at him more in the video than in real life, but when things get intense, I still have to look away. And then I lose him. So I printed a picture of him from his website and have it sitting on the floor next to me. Then when I look away, I can still glance at the photo (less intense than the live version) and he's still in the room in a fashion. (I told him I was doing this.)
  
• We talked extensively about how we needed to create a "new safe space" and we brainstormed ideas for that. We used the metaphor of having both of us been plunked down in uncharted territory, and first we had to find each other, and then we had to build a new safe space. I sent him a couple of photos of the wilderness and he sent me one of a little therapy cabin under constructions and we use that metaphor. Sometimes he'll ask "where are you now" and I'll send him a picture (e.g., on a treacherous mountain path, or on a rickety rope bridge) and then it's easier for him to "find" me. We have a few photos of lookout towers and he even keeps a pair of binoculars near his desk and will show me them as evidence that he's looking for me. I also sent him pictures of safe places (usually the interior or exterior of little cabins) and sometimes we'll both pull up the same photo on our computers so it feels like we're together in the same space.
  
• I sent him a little present (cleared it with him in advance) that has several parts (and I kept one part and sent him the rest, stating that they would be reunited when we resumed in-person therapy). That one nearly backfired, because the post office was supposed to forward his mail from his office to his house, but instead sent it back to me. I had a meltdown about that, told him I can't even reach him through a third party, it's like we're not even in the same universe anymore. He was kind and made a plan for getting it to him (I dropped it off at his office when he was there picking up mail, so I got to see him--with precautions--for a few minutes. I'd previously asked if we could have just one session outdoors, socially distant, only one, put on one the calendar for a month or two in the future so I knew I'd see him again, and he'd said no, so I appreciated that he was flexible in finding a solution for this.)
  
• We've had a few conversations about the fact that he's more distractable on-line than in person, and if he looks away and his attention gets caught by something, I can't tell what it is and I sometimes feel like someone else is in the room, or he's not paying attention or something. We've both become more transparent about these things--he'll tell me if he's feeling particularly restless or tired today, he'll ask if I mind if he does the session standing up, I'll tell him I feel like someone else is in the room and he'll show me there's not, we'll talk about how and why I'm so sensitive to his energy and body language (hypervigilance). So we just name what's going on and do therapy around it. We talk about how hard teletherapy is for the hypervigilant, because I have so much less information to go on. In a way, I've had to trust him more to continue to do therapy, and that has strengthened our relationship.

There might be more things we tried or that I experimented with, but these are the main ones.

It was very hard for me at first but I was going through a lot of other stuff. I tried going without seeing her. I tried every other week. I finally started doing sessions inside my moms bedroom closet with the bedroom door closed and the closet door closed as well. Then I was able to open up so much more and she says our sessions have been a lot deeper then they were in person. I’m seeing her in person for the first in 6 months on Thursday but only because I am moving in a couple months and I cannot handle the idea of never seeing her again so she agreed to only see me and just a couple times. I’ve been pretty persistent about meeting with her.

On zoom sessions my t and I start out by each holding one hand up palm facing the camera to feel the connection between us better. It sounded weird the first time but I swear it works, I feel the energy somehow. (Then again we are both a bit woo woo so there's that. ymmv.)

Thank you all so much! I really appreciate you taking the time to reply and I am thankful for this space. Not having this support would have made things much harder.

I think I need to be a little kinder to video sessions and build a comforting routine around them. Maybe wear the perfume I used to wear to in person sessions; maybe make an effort to dress up a little, as I used to. Maybe making myself a nice tea beforehand, and lighting some fairy lights or candles.

I think my main problem comes from the anxiety making this seem like a permanent change. I’m mourning for what was before as if it won’t come back. But I’m pretty sure my T will return to face to face when it is safer. He told me so numerous times. My life would be so much easier right now if I could accept video sessions as a temporary thing and enjoy them for what they are, as opposed to being suddenly so resistant. I’m so attached to T that being in the room with him for an hour was pretty much the highlight of my week. I hate how much my access to him has been reduced. But I have to keep on breathing and telL myself, this is not the end. This is just a minor inconvenience that will go away at some point.

Thank you once again for your support and your suggestions!

I broke down a couple of weeks ago and it was worth it! Even though he didn’t tell me when things will go back to normal, it was so nice to be able to share this fear/anxiety with him. I felt held and understood and even reassured. I hope your appointment went well!

These are all great ideas, thank you! I get what you mean, about him feeling less real. When I tell people I’m close to about how this feels, they don’t really get it. “But you still get to see him on zoom!” It’s just not the same. Funnily enough, I do feel like we had some pretty amazing zoom sessions, where I opened up a lot more...but now the angst took over my brain and everything that seemed good about them has become a threat.

I know what you mean about it feeling less real. My T, in talking about the difference in Zoom vs. in person, has said there's a certain energy in the room when two people are in there together (physically). And it's not there on the computer. (We've also talked about this in the sense of my missing going to restaurants, where it feels different than just eating carryout at home.)

It occurred to me today that I think it's now been 6 months since I've seen T in person, which made me sad. Slightly over that since I've shaken his hand (we avoided it the last session or two due to Covid)--and I worry that even when he does allow in-person again, he won't allow that for a very long time, if ever. It's something I want to ask him about, but I imagine he might not even know the answer right now--it would probably depend on multiple factors.


And I'm wondering if that's why he's been showing up in my dreams more (including last night), because in my dreams, he can be in the same room with me, and even touch me.

We spent the last half of my appointment discussing this. She knew it was an uncomfortable subject for me so used humor to bring it up. Not making fun of me or the situation but kind of saying do you want to discuss it now or do you want to say T why did you have to remember the text and why did I even send it? We both laughed and I said all three were going through my head. It was a nice ice breaker.

We discussed why I feel disconnected and how I thought it was affecting my therapy as well as fears of her judging me lately and myself judging how I am feeling right now.. We discussed what happened to cause me to feel the disconnect. She reminded me that no matter what I said she would not be offended so it was okay to say whatever I was feeling. We talked about the drawbacks of teletherapy and how we can't feel the energy or the connection over video. She said that she herself has noticed a difference with clients but that right now we are stuck in this situation. She wishes she was in her office with me and a few of her clients and that she wishes she could hug me as she knows that is a form or reassurance for me. That led to a discussion on our shared faith as well as my need for validation and reassurance from the people close to me. she mentioned herself, my husband and best friend.l and how they all care about me and she wishes I had the self esteeen to trust that. She said she believed as we continue our work she believes I will be able to be my confident in who I am as well as that she, hubby, and best friend do care.

We didnt really discuss things that she could do to change it. However she definately spent the even being more open about the struggles she is dealing with (her son being in elementary school with a forever changing schedule, etc) made a few more jokes to help me, and expressing understanding of how I am feeling. It was helpful but we know it will be something that we will likely have to discuss again.

T and I never touched, but I can imagine how much harder it must be to miss that on top of missing being in the same room. I really hope that when he allows face to face again, he’ll consider handshakes. You can both just wash hands afterwards.

I’ve also had similar dreams/thoughts about my T. I think you’re right in that it’s a connection thing—I want to touch him just to remind myself that he’s real. In fact, there is something I did a few months ago specifically to feel closer to T (I missed face to face) which I can’t post about on here in case he sees. But it definitely helped me feel more connected to him when not seeing him in person. It also made me miss him more because it highlighted the big difference between our relationship and the relationship he has with friends/family. Not sure if this makes much sense, but the main point is that I get what you mean about the mind making adjustments (conscious and unconscious) to feel that connection. I’m glad your T responded well.

My therapist and I hugged at the end of every session. I very much miss that. It's difficult for me to foresee a time when we will meet f2f again. When I do imagine it I feel very sold-conscious.

Anyway, what do I do to make teletherapy sessions more comforting...

I arrange the lighting in my room to be soft and comfortable for me. I do that by closing the curtains most of the way (leaving some daylight coming in, but not glaring light) and turning on 2 Edison bulbs. I turn the computer so the background behind me is something I am comfortable with. I keep a cup of water near by. Sometimes I burn incense. I dress as I would if I were doing a session in the office (except that I don't wear shoes).

I set everything up and make sure I am in front of the computer, ready for the session, 3 minutes ahead of the scheduled time. I use those minutes to clear my mind and breathe deeply and calmly to center myself.

That's about it. It's wearying to rearrange even the small number of things I do, but that's about all that's available for now.

Sometimes I feel like I cannot stand doing one more session online. But I have to reign myself in, because I don't want to stop therapy.

I drape a fairly heavy (though not weighted) blanket over my legs to simulate a sense of comforting touch. I have tried to be open with her about the difficulty of the way we are working now, and she recognises and shares some of that unease.

Creating a dialogue goes a long way towards making it more comfortable, if not necessarily comforting.

I just read an interesting piece on how having sessions from bed might be interpreted. I found it interesting because when we used to have remote sessions due to illness or traveling, I automatically thought of having from bed because bed was where I was most likely to not be disturbed and where I felt the safest, I guess. The article went into taking the therapist to bed as in erotic transference. I guess on one hand they have a point around emotional and physical intimacy... the bed being a place where for most, is where intimacy occurs and therapy is intimate (well my kind is).

There might have even been a part of it with my T of having her tuck me in.. in that motherly transference way.

However, with covid after like the 2nd or 3rd visit, I decided I didn't like how I looked leaning back on my pillows so I found another place in my house - my gym. I wonder if that means I'm less erotically connected? . I know the video sessions are not working for me at all and I'm trying to decide when to stop therapy all together since there doesn't seem to be an end any time soon in my area and with my T. I don't know, maybe I need to take it back to the bed ... bedroom

That's really interesting, thanks for sharing. I did think about having sessions from bed, but then decided to stick with the sofa instead. I do wonder what my T would think if one day I connected to the zoom call from bed, wearing a silky nightgown thing and with lots of candles around. Not that I'd ever do that, but i would love to see his reaction. He'd probably be a bit worried.

On a serious note, I'm sorry that the video sessions are not working for you. The only thing that gets me through is the reminder (both from my logical mind and from him) that this is temporary and one day we will be in the same room again. I don't think i could do without video sessions until this is over. Have you thought about phonecalls instead of video? That way, you can definitely take them from bed!