Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLV

I may take you up on a session mid-week if I can get off work early enough. I bawled so much today I didn't talk nearly as much as I wanted to.


Then again I'm starting to feel all mushy again though so maybe I'd better not.

nope, definitely need to stay away until next friday.

Thank you.

before last session I thought that things were getting better. you said you would respond to me once a week to my check in emails and heard nothing from you all week. sometimes I have no idea why I ****en bother. sometimes I tell you how much I ****en hate myself and you dont even acknowledge it. is it because you think its from a younger part of me? and when I ... i said and wrote a lot because I feel that the once a month sessions were gettin to be to much , feeling like I am riped from you maybe was not the right way to say it. or maybe this attachment crap is just not worth it anymore. I feel that no one can mean what they say anymore. I dont trust you anymore. This past year has been ****. and feels like 2021 is no different. back to distancing myself from you. insomnia or poor quality sleep is a major problem and I cant' fix it. my agitation at night is turning over to the day. I hold it at times for the kids. they distract me really good. given time to myself like right now and I am so deep in a ****ing mood that I can say I hate you. I am angry at you. I dont trust you and it damn hurts. I think that my so called Anxiety Attack that at the time thought was a heart attack was because of thoughts I was having regarding you. I remember thinking that i felt like you would soon tell me you had it with me and could no longer help. and so into those kinds of thoughts, and feeling tired I tried to sleep. and suddenly I felt as though I was suffocating and could not breathe. my breath was felt shallow and slow and i was not trying to hold my breathe but it felt like it. and for some reason I felt like it was a heart attack. When clearly it was not had called 911 woke my kids checked out to be Anxiety ....or so i know it was. scared my kids

Maybe i want to much from you and I should just forget about therapy , and understand that childhood wants and needs ****EN WILL NEVER BE MEET. !! lLike anytime I start to feel something I have to tell myself NO. IT DAMN HURTS,
i cant leave you you will have to leave me. however I will alway be looking for your exit.

Hi R,

I hope you don't mind that I've sent you another piece of artwork. It feels like the only way we can do that right now. I think it will be helpful in terms of before I did this, I felt...and after, I felt...

I keep thinking there will be an end point to that series, but after nearly 5 years, I'm not seeing it.

...and now after tossing and turning and thinking about stuff have the night, I don't even want to come back next week. I am left feeling like an unwanted burden. I know I know, I hear you in my head clearly saying "think about it intellectually, not with your feelings". Well dude, that's not who I am. I am an emotional, feeling kinda person and if you can't work with that anymore, then so be it.

See why I'm a feelings person? When I get all up in my head and think and look at things logically I come to the conclusion that I need to end therapy with you because we aren't doing therapy anymore. And that just makes me feel sad. And if I look at feeling sad intellectually, then I am left feeling stupid for getting so damn attached to you in the first place. It's a vicious cycle.

...but L, I don't want to be this way. I don't. But I don't know anymore if you can help with that.

Day 43 without you.

Feeling sorry for myself.

I really want to see you face to face. I feel like this year started out really badly and I’m fantasising about curling up in your office and going to sleep. I’m so tired of everything.

T please respond to my email with care and some psychoeducation because I need it.

The email I just sent you does not reflect the level of panic I am feeling. I know there's nothing you can do. Did I give him covid from being in hospital and I have been asymptomatic? Or did he get it from the shops and I have yet to be affected? Will me and my baby die? I'm really scared.

Why am I stupid? Emotionally stupid, I mean. In relation with you, I mean specifically. It makes me hate you. Please refer back to the original question.

Info, I am really struggling.

I don't think anyone, least of all you, because you didn't know me yet then, realizes how essential new cat was in keeping me alive a few years ago, and then keeping me from SH once I started to kick that habit. With her gone, those feelings are back big-time, and all the other life **** doesn't help.

ATAT

I really wish I was seeing you tomorrow rather than Tuesday. I HATE 3 day week-ends.

Hey L. Well, I have settled down about Friday's session since yesterday, believe it or not. I will be there Friday.

oh and I took your advice about the boundaries thing with my friends on fb. I finally blocked one more - the one that I was having the most trouble blocking because I love her dearly - but her posts more than the others were really becoming toxic to me. ANYway, I did it, and this morning looking at my facebook feed was like a breath of fresh air. Like, I can breathe again and not have to worry about what she's gonna say next. I'm a little sad that I have to let her go. I have my memories of the good times, but now it's time for me to take care of myself.

Dear T,
Today's session went way too quickly. I also felt like I was holding back emotionally or something. Or avoiding something? Need to ponder that more... Thanks for being able to accommodate me for the other two sessions this week.
Love,
LT

Ugh, back to checking my inbox every two minutes. Why do I put myself in this position? I don't know what's wrong with me. I lash out, feel sad because I lashed out, and so lash out harder. I am too jaggy for therapy, I don't have a relational disposition and seem determined to ruin my chance of trying to develop one.

I'm so weird. I don't know how you put up with me. Overtime is voluntary now for the rest of the week - so I could call you & come on Wednesday probably and I kinda want to but I don't want to.

Dear T,

I know you won’t respond to my email but I still wish you would. I shouldn’t have phrased it like I did, knowing that you won’t respond. Bah.

-c

Forced isolation is hell. Has covid made you closer with your wife? Do you think getting older makes you behave better? I wish I could feel connected on zoom calls. Not that I am invited to any or have the opportunity. Everything is ********.

How'd you get so damn smart?

I can hear you laughing.

(With me, of course. Because I am. Laughing at my stupid ***.)

See you on Friday!

Dear T,
Thanks for the smiley emoji in your response. And glad I'll be seeing you tomorrow. Not sure if I'll want to talk about what I mentioned in the email or something else. But I imagine you'll leave it up to me.

Love,
LT