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Merope
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Default Jan 23, 2021 at 08:05 AM
  #721
I really miss you and I hope I can see you properly soon
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LostOnTheTrail
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Default Jan 23, 2021 at 10:34 AM
  #722
I've been thinking about what you invited me to try before we next speak. I don't usually feel anger in response to things that are done to me. Hurt somebody I care about, and then you find out what I'm like when I'm angry.


You're right, though...my anger is the elephant in the room, and has been since long before we started working together.

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'You have all the grace you need for today, and today is all that matters.' - Steve Austin
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Default Jan 23, 2021 at 11:15 AM
  #723
Feel horrific. Still in isolation. No one has asked how I am still.

You have a lot of family on facebook, no wonder you can't understand me when I say none of my family care about me. Must seem completely alien to you. I've been listening to M on a Skype call with his family, they are all so chatty and happy sounding. Of course you don't care for me as family, I am just one of your clients.

I'm thinking a lot about missed opportunities, about how lots of me just 'wasn't there' to engage with people before. So it's not like I could have done it differently.

I don't know why I'm in this terrible country, I wish I had stayed in Norway. More people cared about me there.
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Default Jan 23, 2021 at 01:47 PM
  #724
I'm okay with not continuing with therapy now.

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Default Jan 24, 2021 at 01:13 AM
  #725
I found a video about what I can't say yet. I do want to talk about it but I don't know what it all means yet. I'm faced with what I was taught in childhood and it's ingrained in me that I shouldn't talk about it. Yet, I'm in distress because I don't know what to do or how to say what I need to to you. You won't judge me, but I will judge me. I've been saying I'm bad, evil, for so long it's extremely difficult to love myself or anyone else. I'm afraid I'll end up alone because I'm terrified of making a mistake.

I'm in a vulnerable position. Have been for 7 hours. Still can't believe it's been that long since session.
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Default Jan 24, 2021 at 06:35 AM
  #726
My shoulders are always ready for a fight that never comes.

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'Somewhere up above the great divide
Where the sky is wide, and the clouds are few
A man can see his way clear to the light
Just hold on tight, that's all you gotta do...'

Steve Earle - Fort Worth Blues

'You have all the grace you need for today, and today is all that matters.' - Steve Austin
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Default Jan 24, 2021 at 10:46 AM
  #727
Dear T,
Trying not to go down a COVID doom rabbit hole--helps to have a H who's knowledgeable about science.

And I keep thinking of this dream I had last night about ex-MC. Do I talk to you about it? It had a very different tone from the last one I had about him that I told you about briefly.
Possible trigger:

So could this maybe be my subconscious processing things? Of course, I also wonder if he could have been representing you, but it looked like him, and I was visiting him as my former MC, so I don't think so? (I won't mention that part if I talk to you about it, though you already know I've had thoughts like that. Though...affectionate thoughts are different than the sexual thoughts I've mentioned--they seem more romantic, which seems like it would threaten you, while you were totally fine with the other ones. But I don't think it was about you anyway.)
Love,
LT
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Default Jan 24, 2021 at 02:13 PM
  #728
I'm in a terrible mood.

6 calls from my family today, before I just hung up and signed out of skype. It's draining constantly having to take calls and just listen when I don't feel well.

Possible trigger:

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Default Jan 24, 2021 at 08:06 PM
  #729
I miss you today and my move is making it even more difficult.

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Default Jan 25, 2021 at 10:54 AM
  #730
No, it's not okay.

And I'm not okay.
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Default Jan 25, 2021 at 12:58 PM
  #731
Possible trigger:

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Feel the thrill of the flow
And say nothing."

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Default Jan 25, 2021 at 01:20 PM
  #732
Do you have any idea how ridiculous 'Just be happy' sounds? Do you still want to do this work? Hmm.
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Default Jan 25, 2021 at 02:52 PM
  #733
Dear T,
I appreciated your saying, "When are you going to stop feeling shame for that mistake? Really, give me a date." Because I think it helps put things in perspective. Five years is both not that long ago and very long ago. Especially considering how life is now. And I guess part of me sort of wondered if you judged me for it, but I don't get the sense you do.

I hope we can still meet next Friday. That your vaccine schedule (if you end up getting it that day) and meeting schedule will allow it. I appreciate your saying you'll let me know your schedule when you find out. Also that you feel my seeing you three times a week makes sense for me right now. It felt like you were choosing your words carefully, probably because you know how sensitive I am about things like abandonment or rejection. But it also seemed like you were being honest, that you weren't just saying what I wanted to hear.

Do I ask if we can keep a somewhat reduced rate into March? Maybe something in between my current rate and usual (somewhat-reduced) rate? Would that be fair? I guess I'll see closer to the time how I'm doing, what's going on with insurance, and how things feel.

Also, you seemed emotional again today. And it was nice seeing you with your glasses off for a decent amount of session. Made it feel more like it was in person.

Love,

LT
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Default Jan 25, 2021 at 05:00 PM
  #734
I plan on telling you about today. Not the whole Xanax and meds part but I’ll tell you I was having a lot of SH thoughts as a result of moving things this weekend and the carpets being put in today. I want you to help me regarding my move so I know I need to be honest about my feelings and what’s going on.

Everytime I try to look at new therapists where I am moving I get so physically and emotionally exhausted I need stop looking and take a nap

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Default Jan 25, 2021 at 08:13 PM
  #735
I have a question to ask you on Friday.
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Default Jan 25, 2021 at 08:48 PM
  #736
You know the thing I didn't want to say, I figured out why. And it's big.
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Default Jan 26, 2021 at 12:08 PM
  #737
Dear T,
Ugh, H might be against sending D back to school if they end up deciding to open in March. As anxious as I am about it, I feel we need to risk sending her in large part for D's mental health. But also in part for my own. And now I'm worried H is going to say no, and this seems like a "two yes" sort of situation. Yet another ray of hope that might be dashed....

And like I said yesterday, of course I'm worried about the safety of teachers (and other staff) and would like them to all get vaccinated before this starts. Hopefully they'll at least be able to get one dose (which provides some protection) by the time school might start, if our state gets enough vaccine. And I worry about our safety, too.


Possible trigger:


Love,
LT
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Default Jan 26, 2021 at 03:00 PM
  #738
I feel really vulnerable and like it's really easy for you to hurt me at the moment. That's why I'm too scared to connect to you. The glimpses I have had indicate you really don't understand what's happening to me.

My fear of humans being replaced by computers is stronger than ever...I could never heal from using self help apps. Thanks though.
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Default Jan 27, 2021 at 01:53 PM
  #739
I emailed the therapist I saw for one session in third year.

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Default Jan 27, 2021 at 03:28 PM
  #740
Part of me would love to know what you said when your computer connection froze for a few minutes. Before you froze you were trying to correct yourself when you said you know people as well as clients who struggle with what I was struggling with. Then you said that you do know your clients and then froze. Did you say something while in the next few moments that put your foot in your mouth even further? Why else would you be saying "stop talking T and breath"? I knew you meant people you know in your personal life as well as your professional life and you agreed and we moved on. But, yeah really curiois. I wish I had told you your screen froze.

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