Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLV

Hey L! So I found that book you recommended, thanks for texting the name of it. I started reading it this afternoon and I think it is going to be helpful, I appreciate your telling me about it.

Hi T. I am not sure how I feel about this book you recommended. Parts of me I can see, but mostly I see my mother in it. I guess I will wait for the final verdict after I finish it. I hope you weren't way off in your thoughts on this.

T please please please reply to my email

Isn't it just great when the universe keeps making me feel like an absolute ****ing idiot? So all the people I thought I was closest to (you included) all the ones that know I'm pregnant and sick, you all chose to completely ignore my birthday.

Who would want to celebrate another year of me being alive anyway right. Thanks for that. Feel like such a fool for doing stuff for other people's birthdays now. Never again.

I guess now I'll see if you meant what you said..
I do need you.
Will you catch me as I fall? Or will you let me down?

I think I’m going to tell you what this site is called and tell you what my username is at our last session. I think that would be nice closure.

that thing you were trying to explain to me no friday? just, no. go away with that nonsense. i'm not super happy with you at the moment.

you'd be concerned if you knew a quarter of what's going thru my mind.
and what's the point of even talking?!?! i don't want to rely on you (or have to need you). who cares if i retreat further into this h**l of a hole i'm in. no one cares anyways

[sorry this got so dark...]

I want to reach out, but I don't really know what I need. The empathy piece that you picked up on during our most recent session feels really significant, and sore.


Ouch, I guess.

I don’t want to talk to you tomorrow, you bastard.

Why am I feeling that trapped feeling again? It's like, it's like, that stuff you were talking about the other day, is designed on purpose to make people think they're effing crazy. I'm feeling very done with all things Jungian at the moment. I don't like this at.all.

I'm glad we're not scheduled for this week.

Well, I guess I have my answer.
I'm on my own.
At least now I know.

t,

when we were meeting in person, you would let the silence drag on forever. over the phone, you never shut up. i really don’t like talking over you.

me

I ordered the little whale cuddly toy like you bought me in the dream. I’ll keep her in my soothing box, for the little ones. When we finally get to be in the same room I’m going to bring her along. Hopefully it won’t be too long now, I really need to see you in person, I miss you so so so much.

I haven’t gotten a text confirming our appointment. Also my mom never got a reply after she emailed you that paperwork. I’m kinda nervous that song I had you listen to freaked you out a bit. I know you are sort of a private person. But I didn’t mean anything.

Edit: I just got it now. I will wait for a bit to confirm so I don’t seem so desperate.

I guess it’s progress that I was hoping my mom was on the phone with the new therapist instead of with you. Of course neither of you was the one she was talking to.

Maybe this is just another of my stupid patterns. Therapy has been going really well lately so I have to create drama. I still don't like the theory you were trying to explain but I'll try to look at it more in that light. I'm still glad we're not meeting this week, though.

Ugh.

Dear T,
Your brief reply with the sad face meant a lot. Thank you. And please know that this won't lead to my asking you for another fee reduction. To me it's one thing with insurance coverage changes or outside expenses. Those are outside my control in some ways. But I feel like I should figure out this work payment thing on my own. I figure I have at least until May to do that. And maybe this will light a fire under my azz to make some changes and take control of my career.

You're right that being rejected from the PhD program a few years ago sort of knocked me back. I'm not sure I fully realized how much that affected me, in terms of my ambition and confidence (of course, it also led to stonegate...but we've moved past that). So maybe it's time to make a change and find out what I'm really worth career-wise (without doing anything crazy of course). Because I'm a damn good editor, and it's time I'm paid like one...
Love,
LT

hope it's ok to respond here i just had to say you go, girl!! Oh yeah!!!!

Thanks, QM!

I'm such a dingbat. One minute I'm glad we aren't meeting this week, and in the next minute I wish we were. Why is it so hard to just ****ing know what I want?!

Hey T, I think you'll be quite surprised to hear I read the book you suggested AND took notes!

I hope you don't mind my response... I would (and my T would) say it's because you want both. A part of you wants to meet and a different part doesn't. They are both valid. It's how you get them to work together to make decisions that is more important. How do you get to honoring both of them and both of their wants. Why does the one that wants to meet... want to meet; what does it want, what is it hoping for, what is it missing, how would it feel if you waited to meet, can you comfort it for not getting what it wanted? And the one that doesn't want to meet - why doesn't it want to see your T, what would it mean to it if you did see your T, is it running from something or would rather spend your time in something of more value to it? How could it find other time to do the other things if you were to meet? Things like that.

This is good stuff Elio, thank you. Getting the parts to work together - ah that is the crux isn't it? I will ponder on this.

What I really need, L, more than anything, is to learn how to But will I tell you any of this? Probably not.