Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLV

Dear Info,

I feel like a **** for saying it, but your thank-you card made me uncomfortable. Really uncomfortable.

I'm pretty good at being forgiving even to people who are crap to me over and over, so I can come up with all kinds of explanations about it and know you were well-intentioned or oblivious. But if I dare say anything about it, including in this post, I look like a heel and I don't think that kind of complaint falls within the realm of things therapists should tolerate. Nice, huh?

ATAT

Please help me know the truth and to accept it.

I think you noticed yesterday but didn’t say anything when I wiped my nose with the back of my hoodie sleeve.

I feel like I’ve done something awful and wrong and I’m in so much trouble and you’ve finally realised I’m too much and too difficult and too disgusting and this is how you get rid of me, I always knew you would, and if you tell them then either they will do nothing at all or they will want to take him away what if they don’t trust me anymore and this is why I shouldn’t have trusted you I shouldn’t have sent that email because look what’s happened. I’m done.

Also, I don’t WANT to look after her, she’s not real, or if she is then she’s just some stupid younger me and I HATE her and I hate that I ever came to therapy and I hate that you made me feel all of this stuff and I hate that I can’t handle it and I hate all the stupid risky behaviour and I hate not remembering and I hate remembering and I’m fine, I’m just FINE by myself

Thank you for never, ever giving up on me even after all this time. I had a huge insight about myself this morning. I'm 100% it won't be any news to you, of course. haha

As humans, do we ever run out of huge insights just waiting for us to stumble upon?!

Maybe one of the points of therapy is to learn how to use those insights when they do continue to come up?

Dear T,
Do I need to talk to you about my feeling of "Why haven't you rejected me by now"? I know it's something we've discussed in the past, but not recently.


Also wondering if we need to talk more about your increased disclosures again. The thing about not wanting your wife to go through you clothing drawers is still striking me as odd. I mean, it was connected to what we were talking about, but a child (what I was talking about) is different from a spouse in terms of that sort of thing. And I don't care if D goes through my dresser drawers. I guess it wasn't just that comment, but the fact that you said you felt comfortable sharing it with me while working in your office, but would feel weird saying it to me while working from home, even though you've made sure no one could hear you there. It's not just that, but just more disclosures and the fact that you've seemed so...personally invested in stuff like school reopenings, like it feels like it's coming from you as an individual vs. you as a therapist. Which, as much as I like that in some ways, concerns me a little.

Love,
LT

Dear T: putting a "+" on my calendar when I have a good day and a "-" when I have a bad day and a "+/-" when I have an okay day is actually a really good way to chart my moods. My calendar is messier because I'm counting days of No SH. Counting days of Lent, have my appointments on there. Have when to schedule wires for work and when to go to the food distributions and so much more, but it is nice to have a quick simple way of seeing how many days in a row that I have good days or how many days I am having bad days. Simple, but genius! Thanks T, Kit

Your husband looks just like I imagined he would. Kinda gangster rapper like. Also again sorry about that song I had you listen to. It was totally a coincidence if you can relate it to your personal life. It was strictly meant to be between you and me and therapy.

Also I’m kinda nervous about working with a therapist in her 60’s. But I’ll give it a try. Maybe it’s exactly what I need.

Today was one of those days when I really didn't know if I could continue teletherapy anymore. And you didn't even tell me you've had the first vaccine! When I get mine I do not see any reason on earth why we shouldn't meet in person.

Dear Dr. S, I kind of wanted you to ask about that thing today. I guess I kind of wanted you to behave in a way that left me feeling like you really got the hint of what I was saying the other day. But then again, you rarely ask me things like that/this. Why would today be any different, right? I also still want you to do that thing that I said never mind to. Love me

Hey T please reply to my email

I really hate you right now.

I should call you. And or pdoc or pcp.

I need an escape plan to get stress down and quick. The hard part is I'm disconnected in my body.

I’m sorry I haven’t replied, I hope it hasn’t worried you. I tried to, lots of times, but my
vision kept blurring each time I tried to focus on your email and I just couldn’t do it. In a way, it seemed pointless because I didn’t want to consent to you talking to them and I knew you would anyway whatever I said. I completely understand why you have to, I just don’t like it. I feel so powerless.

Dear T,
Yeah, I wasn't ready to talk about either of those things today. I think I just needed the connection to still be there and not threaten it with anything. And of course you shared a couple minor disclosures, but nothing too earth-shattering. Just the wide selection of pillows in your guest room that you and your wife have rejected over the years. And your having to cover up the light from your alarm clock to sleep.

You looked like you were wiping tears again, when I was talking about stuff with D and school. Is it weird that I just sort of look at you wordlessly when you do that? I like seeing you without your reading glasses on for a minute because that's how I would see you in your office, so it feels more like *you*. And you look a little vulnerable in those moments--which is why I feel maybe I should look away. But it's not like you look away if I'm crying my eyes out, so I think it's OK...

Anyway, as much as, in some ways, I feel like I should be addressing certain concerns with you, I think right now, I just need the relationship to be OK. I generally like where it is right now, even as I worry about some of the disclosure. And that it seems you may be putting your personal thoughts vs. your therapist thoughts into things. I was upset with how you handled some things last week, but we talked through that. I think maybe I need to apply some of what you said today in regard to something else--to not try to think of all the ways it could go wrong, because that's not going to help me. Maybe you're just sharing more right now because you feel it will help me. And/or you're just in a more relaxed mindset, sitting in your sweatshirt in your house. And maybe it's OK, because of what's going on in the world right now. It's not doomed to go the way of ex-MC just because you're disclosing more. You are not him. And, for that matter, I'm not the same person now that I was when I was seeing him.

Love,
LT

Exactly two weeks without you now.

I missed you today.

I've been feeling so well for the past two days.

Old trout. Stop taking holidays. Where are you even going in a lockdowned pandemic?! Oh, nowhere? Weird. It's almost like all you need is a break from me. Ugh. You are a treacherous old trout, I hate you. If only you weren't so lovely as well, this would be much easier. Do you know whom else I miss when I don't have contact them? No? Oh well, listen up; it's no one. Everyone else in my life (my partner, my best friends, my family) are nice additional extras. I never miss them because I am an emotional dullard. But you take a holiday and I am freaking out because we won't have contact for TWELVE days. God, I hate you.

I'm actually more aggravated today than I was yesterday about the tele-BS system failure. I know you were just as frustrated as I was, but can't you run daily checks on the thing to be sure it works properly so "several of your clients" aren't let down? The whole thing feels irresponsible to me.

Thanks for today. I really do appreciate that you treat me like you think I'm smart, ha ha, but I'm really not I don't think. I really wasn't understanding that rather advanced-sounding Jungian stuff you were on about. I need a Jung for Dummies primer.

I'll do my best to have a better understanding of that stuff when I see you again in 2 weeks.

I was hoping for a dream last night to help explain. Didn't come, not that I was aware of anyway. Oh well. It will, I suspect.

Those tears that you saw starting right before I left yesterday, the ones I stopped very quickly? Making the connection that I had just realized - it was uncomfortable, that's all, and it took me a few seconds to stop reacting and let myself sit with what I had just realized (ie, to stop reacting and start responding instead). I guess making that connection was part of "naming" the part that says I don't know, so I can better recognize it in the future? Aha!

My mission for the next 2 weeks is to be conscious of and track the I don't knows and the context in which they are said.

Really feeling homesick. I cried on the way back from from the park. I want my family and I want my mother .

Also I noticed reading back on my posts here I'm always missing out words whenever I type!

Of course I’m not going to tell you off at our last session. You are not my old boss who was insane. But I do want to talk about how I felt like you kept falsely promising we’d be going back to in person sessions before we move. I’d also like to discuss how confusing the whole email thing was and how you switched up the boundaries constantly. I don’t want any loose ends because I know I’ll regret it if I don’t say these things. But I don’t want you to think I’m mad at you. I’m a bit disappointed to be honest. And I do feel like I got a bit hurt. But I swear I am not mad and I truly do still like you.