Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLV

Dear T: I want to text you and tell you it's been 360 days. But I see you on Saturday. So I should just wait until then and not bother you. Kit

I'm so SICK of people victim blaming. No, women should not have to learn self defence to feel safe...to be chaperoned everywhere, to 'take care' wherever they go, be vigilant. We should just BE safe, like some men think they are. If education doesn't seem to work, then how about fear? Is it true men fear being laughed at by women the most? I fantasize about laughing at some ****** wannabe rapist that comes at me, while I stab his eyes out with my keys.
I think I'm having a weird day.

I know it's not customary to reply on this thread so I hope this is ok. I just wanted to say that I love this. I feel it too.

What is happening? You have changed since the holiday break. In a good way. You’re more attentive to my feelings and more willing to help soothe me in those moments of being triggered and having flashbacks. I think you have guessed what happened to me as a child. When I was triggered today and you gently said ‘it’s ok we don’t have to go there, let’s stay safe, it’s ok I understand’ it felt like you were saying ‘I have an idea of what has happened you and you don’t need to explain until you’re ready.’
And then at the end when you went outside to make sure it was safe for me to walk to my car as you had seen screaming drunken youths nearby earlier. That made me feel cared about.
This is all new to me, it’s weird and uncomfortable because it’s not familiar and the weird fuzzy feeling I have inside is lovely but scary. The little me is so unbelievably happy. I’m trying to just take it as it is but at the same time I’m scared it’s going to go wrong. But yeah, thank you for today. It had the potential to be a disastrous session but actually turned out to be one of the best ones we’ve had for a while.

Dear T,
You seemed rather emotional today, wiping away tears a couple times, I think? Hadn't seen that in a while. But I feel like today is an emotional day for certain reasons (I was certainly emotional earlier), so maybe it's your reacting to that. Because you've said we generally share beliefs in that area.

It's also interesting that I didn't react particularly negatively to an offhanded comment you made. In the past, that likely would have really upset me. But I realize now that you can care about your clients without thinking about them all the time, or even really giving much thought to them outside of session. Because you need to function in your real life. Plus, I have lots of people that I care about. Do I think about them all the time? No. You're present for me when I need you to be, in session and occasionally over email, and that's what's important.

Love,
LT

I just let the email thing go. It’s actually kinda been helpful in not thinking so much about you between sessions.

Dear T: three more days until I see you. Kit

Dear T,

Thanks for responding to that email, and offering an extra session. You really didn't have to do that, and I appreciate it.

-c

Dear T: I see your billing person figured out how to get reimbursed from my insurance. Great job! Hopefully you can go back a year and get reimbursed for all those appointments. But hopefully you realize I shouldn't have been paying you a copay that whole year. It's okay if I never get the money back. You're still worth it.

Dear T: love you! Am looking forward to seeing you! Have no idea what we are going to talk about though. No drama. No crisis. hugs Kit

Who the hell am I holding it together for? I need to find a way to let this anger move through me.

I think the new no emails rule is helping. Although sometimes I still feel like I could use your opinion on things outside of sessions.

I used the men’s bathroom today and I think you’ll be pretty proud/ excited when I tell you at the next session.

I'm glad you liked your Christmas present, but i so wanted to tell you how much i miss you still. Time hasn't made the slightest difference to any of my feelings towards you.

I still havent grieved for any of my losses and i don't know why. I am divided, stuck, anxious, and that's without thinking about medical stuff, lockdown, parenting. It's overwhelming me and risking un-doing the work we did. I want so much to carry on working with you, even of it is long distance. Thats why i cant tell you i miss you. I'm trying to be good.

Oh my goodness L. I had another epiphany today on the heels of and related to the one that came a few days ago. Holy smokes. Looking so forward to talking tomorrow.

Dear T,

Thank you for telling me that you're proud of me. It means a lot to me to hear you say that.

-c

if only you people would actually listen to what clients say rather than jumping to your incorrect and dangerous and unsupported conclusions.

Also, I hope that you are not pre-planning to kick my *** again today.

Dear T,

Thanks for being there with me in my darkness today. On a more positive note, right after session, I got an email saying one of my favorite bands (and one I associate with you and have talked about with you) just released a new album on streaming. Early birthday gift for me?
Love you,
LT

Dear T: I figured out what I am going to talk to you about tomorrow. 1) How can I stop being angry at the ER doctor who hospitalized me a year ago for his rude treatment of me? 2) What can I do to prevent being triggered when I give platelets on Sunday? There. And I thought there wouldn't be anything to talk about. Silly me. Kit

For someone whose was supposed to be done with therapy. Right now I'd rather like to continue until my exams are done.

I really miss you and I hope I can see you properly soon

I've been thinking about what you invited me to try before we next speak. I don't usually feel anger in response to things that are done to me. Hurt somebody I care about, and then you find out what I'm like when I'm angry.


You're right, though...my anger is the elephant in the room, and has been since long before we started working together.

Feel horrific. Still in isolation. No one has asked how I am still.

You have a lot of family on facebook, no wonder you can't understand me when I say none of my family care about me. Must seem completely alien to you. I've been listening to M on a Skype call with his family, they are all so chatty and happy sounding. Of course you don't care for me as family, I am just one of your clients.

I'm thinking a lot about missed opportunities, about how lots of me just 'wasn't there' to engage with people before. So it's not like I could have done it differently.

I don't know why I'm in this terrible country, I wish I had stayed in Norway. More people cared about me there.

I'm okay with not continuing with therapy now.

I found a video about what I can't say yet. I do want to talk about it but I don't know what it all means yet. I'm faced with what I was taught in childhood and it's ingrained in me that I shouldn't talk about it. Yet, I'm in distress because I don't know what to do or how to say what I need to to you. You won't judge me, but I will judge me. I've been saying I'm bad, evil, for so long it's extremely difficult to love myself or anyone else. I'm afraid I'll end up alone because I'm terrified of making a mistake.

I'm in a vulnerable position. Have been for 7 hours. Still can't believe it's been that long since session.