Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLV

ArtieTheSequal · Feb 23, 2021 at 08:31 PM

I'm such a dingbat. One minute I'm glad we aren't meeting this week, and in the next minute I wish we were. Why is it so hard to just ****ing know what I want?!

velcro003 · Feb 23, 2021 at 09:35 PM

Hey T, I think you'll be quite surprised to hear I read the book you suggested AND took notes!

Elio · Feb 24, 2021 at 10:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ArtieTheSequal

I'm such a dingbat. One minute I'm glad we aren't meeting this week, and in the next minute I wish we were. Why is it so hard to just ****ing know what I want?!

I hope you don't mind my response... I would (and my T would) say it's because you want both. A part of you wants to meet and a different part doesn't. They are both valid. It's how you get them to work together to make decisions that is more important. How do you get to honoring both of them and both of their wants. Why does the one that wants to meet... want to meet; what does it want, what is it hoping for, what is it missing, how would it feel if you waited to meet, can you comfort it for not getting what it wanted? And the one that doesn't want to meet - why doesn't it want to see your T, what would it mean to it if you did see your T, is it running from something or would rather spend your time in something of more value to it? How could it find other time to do the other things if you were to meet? Things like that.

ArtieTheSequal · Feb 24, 2021 at 11:25 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Elio

I hope you don't mind my response... I would (and my T would) say it's because you want both. A part of you wants to meet and a different part doesn't. They are both valid. It's how you get them to work together to make decisions that is more important. How do you get to honoring both of them and both of their wants. Why does the one that wants to meet... want to meet; what does it want, what is it hoping for, what is it missing, how would it feel if you waited to meet, can you comfort it for not getting what it wanted? And the one that doesn't want to meet - why doesn't it want to see your T, what would it mean to it if you did see your T, is it running from something or would rather spend your time in something of more value to it? How could it find other time to do the other things if you were to meet? Things like that.

This is good stuff Elio, thank you. Getting the parts to work together - ah that is the crux isn't it? I will ponder on this.

ArtieTheSequal · Feb 24, 2021 at 01:37 PM

What I really need, L, more than anything, is to learn how to

Possible trigger:

translate my need to have control to controlling myself instead of wanting to always control other people's thoughts/reactions to me - specifically to eating better and exercising so I can lose back this weight I've gained since having abdominal surgery in 2019. I mean hell, I feel abysmal in my body at this weight, I'm just asking for diabetes and heart problems at my age if I don't get this under control. I'm honestly surprised that I'm not all up in my head all the time again.

But will I tell you any of this? Probably not.

KLL85 · Feb 24, 2021 at 03:41 PM

Thank you for your sensitive, validating and compassionate reaction in the session today when I plucked up the courage to talk about my suicidal feelings. I can tell you are trying so hard to build trust with me and ensure that I feel safe. I’ve never had a T that has responded to me with so much kindness like you did today. It can be hard for me to believe you are being genuine as I cannot understand at all why you would ever want to be kind to me, but today really helped me feel less alone. You were completely open to discussing everything relating to my suicidal thoughts with no judgement and no instant panic making you feel the need to contact medical services which terrifies me so much after the previous traumatic experiences I’ve had.
Vulnerability is so hard for me and it felt like such a risk to go in to this stuff with you but you recognised that and I couldn’t have asked for you to have responded any better, so thank you.

Mountaindewed · Feb 24, 2021 at 05:33 PM

I’m hoping you are nice. And can help me with my dysphoria. Basically I can still feel my chest. But when I lift up my shirt I just see the scars. But it’s really been frustrating. I want to go back to my surgeon but then I see that everything is ok. My mom said it’s phantom limb type stuff. But it’s been almost 5 months. How long does that stuff go on?

LonesomeTonight · Feb 24, 2021 at 05:51 PM

Dear T,
Well, now I'm thinking about that comment you made about a sort of "reverse success" in my school/career trajectory and feeling depressed about that...not so much because you said it, but because it's true. Maybe you can help me get it moving in the right direction again?

Love,
LT

ArtieTheSequal · Feb 25, 2021 at 02:01 PM

Not gonna call you. Nope, not gonna do it.

comrademoomoo · Feb 25, 2021 at 02:51 PM

Six days left of your stupid break. You must be missing me terribly.

comrademoomoo · Feb 25, 2021 at 02:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by comrademoomoo

Six days left of your stupid break. You must be missing me terribly.

*I* have hardly thought about *you* at all. I don't care if you have forgotten me; I have forgotten you back.

Mountaindewed · Feb 25, 2021 at 06:26 PM

To old therapist: I miss you a lot today. And the thought that I will never see you again is giving me that gut wrenching feeling I rarely get anymore. I hope once I meet with the new therapist on Monday you will instantly disappear from my thoughts. It has happened a lot with many many different types of people. But man will these next 3 days be tough with my PMS and general anxiety about the major events happening soon that will really change my life.

LonesomeTonight · Feb 25, 2021 at 06:58 PM

Dear T,
I hate that I'm so crazy sometimes. That I can seem normal and hold it together much of the time, but then I just lose it and act like a complete lunatic. It's fine if I'm alone, but I hate when it happens in front of my H and/or D. Even if H says it's OK. I mean, you've made a career out of seeing people act crazy, so I imagine it's not a big deal to you, if you see me act that way. (Though you probably wouldn't tolerate it if I were your wife. Or...maybe you would just hold me?)
Love,
LT

*Beth* · Feb 25, 2021 at 10:07 PM

Please, please be back next week. I'm desperate to talk with you.

velcro003 · Feb 25, 2021 at 10:16 PM

HI T. I keep worrying that you'll have to cancel tomorrow's appt. Probably bc I actually have something I want to talk about, which as we know is rare. So please, don't cancel.

Elio · Feb 25, 2021 at 10:28 PM

You know I hate you... like a toddler or a teen hates their parent. It doesn't feel good - this doesn't feel good.

I wonder if some of my responses around this kind of stuff is because I wasn't allowed to throw tantrums at the age of 2 and 3, without severe consequences.

LostOnTheTrail · Feb 26, 2021 at 05:48 AM

Hi R,

I think what we are dealing with at the moment is the line between clarity and consternation. Even though so much time has passed since Chris' death, I recall those events clearly.

With the other experience, there's a sense that I just did not want the information I received. I don't remember being asked whether I wanted these in depth updates, and they haunt me. Surely it's better to get explicit permission from somebody before landing something like that on them?

There's an emotional charge there that I didn't have the chance to deal with. I don't want to go near it, but I don't feel it's right to just leave it be...that doesn't accomplish anything.

Help?

comrademoomoo · Feb 26, 2021 at 06:15 PM

Five days left. I have trouble remembering what you are like. What's wrong with me? I have known you four years, but within two weeks I only have this strange, ephemeral sense of you. It makes me wonder what I actually miss about you if I can't remember you. I remember your rhotic rs. Maybe my longing is as basic as this: I lust after your linguistics.

comrademoomoo · Feb 26, 2021 at 06:15 PM

Grab your hermeneutics and exegesis!

LonesomeTonight · 08:35 PM

Dear T,
I'm thinking about that thing you said, how the main thing you'd feel, if I reacted that way in front of you, is sadness that I'm struggling so much. And that's really affecting me. Because my first thought is that someone would be annoyed or frustrated by me. Not feel sadness for me. It also makes me wonder what H actually feels when I act that way. But I'm too afraid to ask him.

Love,
LT

ETA: Your comment on how few people are harder on others than I am on myself also hit home. That, after I asked for clarification, it's not just how hard they are on other people, but also how hard they are on themselves. That I'm harder on myself than most of them are to anyone. And you say that having seen many clients who are hard on themselves. Please help me stop that... Though maybe your being gentle and understanding to me, as you've been lately, is part of how I get there. Maybe you're trying to teach me by example how to be to myself.

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Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLV

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ArtieTheSequal Writing my way through... Member Since Feb 2020 Location: In the desert of my soul Posts: 7,595 (SuperPoster!) 4 6,009 hugs given	Feb 23, 2021 at 08:31 PM #921 I'm such a dingbat. One minute I'm glad we aren't meeting this week, and in the next minute I wish we were. Why is it so hard to just ****ing know what I want?!
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velcro003 Elder Member Since Oct 2008 Posts: 7,368 16 25 hugs given	Feb 23, 2021 at 09:35 PM #922 Hey T, I think you'll be quite surprised to hear I read the book you suggested AND took notes!
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LonesomeTonight Always in This Twilight Member Since Feb 2015 Location: US Posts: 21,615 (SuperPoster!) 9 76.2k hugs given	Feb 24, 2021 at 05:51 PM #928 Dear T, Well, now I'm thinking about that comment you made about a sort of "reverse success" in my school/career trajectory and feeling depressed about that...not so much because you said it, but because it's true. Maybe you can help me get it moving in the right direction again? Love, LT
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ArtieTheSequal Writing my way through... Member Since Feb 2020 Location: In the desert of my soul Posts: 7,595 (SuperPoster!) 4 6,009 hugs given	Feb 25, 2021 at 02:01 PM #929 Not gonna call you. Nope, not gonna do it.
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comrademoomoo Grand Poohbah Member Since Feb 2019 Location: Toodlepip Posts: 1,837 5	Feb 25, 2021 at 02:51 PM #930 Six days left of your stupid break. You must be missing me terribly.
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Beth catches the flowers Member Since Jul 2019 Location: Downtown Vibes, California Posts: 15,701 (SuperPoster!) 5 23.7k hugs given	Feb 25, 2021 at 10:07 PM #934 Please, please be back next week. I'm desperate to talk with you. __________________
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velcro003 Elder Member Since Oct 2008 Posts: 7,368 16 25 hugs given	Feb 25, 2021 at 10:16 PM #935 HI T. I keep worrying that you'll have to cancel tomorrow's appt. Probably bc I actually have something I want to talk about, which as we know is rare. So please, don't cancel.
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Elio ............... Member Since Sep 2006 Location: in my head Posts: 2,913 18 8,780 hugs given	Feb 25, 2021 at 10:28 PM #936 You know I hate you... like a toddler or a teen hates their parent. It doesn't feel good - this doesn't feel good. I wonder if some of my responses around this kind of stuff is because I wasn't allowed to throw tantrums at the age of 2 and 3, without severe consequences.
	Reply With Quote

comrademoomoo Grand Poohbah Member Since Feb 2019 Location: Toodlepip Posts: 1,837 5	Feb 26, 2021 at 06:15 PM #938 Five days left. I have trouble remembering what you are like. What's wrong with me? I have known you four years, but within two weeks I only have this strange, ephemeral sense of you. It makes me wonder what I actually miss about you if I can't remember you. I remember your rhotic rs. Maybe my longing is as basic as this: I lust after your linguistics.
	Reply With Quote

comrademoomoo Grand Poohbah Member Since Feb 2019 Location: Toodlepip Posts: 1,837 5	Feb 26, 2021 at 06:15 PM #939 Grab your hermeneutics and exegesis!
	Reply With Quote