Couch 221: Definitely Spam!

I think that these metrics we are required to meet just perpetuate the good little girl

In response to an email I sent about feeling hurt by his remarks in session yesterday, T called and left me a message. He said he didn't want to be too reassuring (ffs) but he did apologize, said he didn't mean to imply that I was somehow not good enough for the guys I've dated. He explained again how he came to wonder about me being interested in guys with whom I'm destined to fail. I guess I should feel better but I don't.

Did go for a run. Managed to bust out ~2k words, though I'll have to write another 2k or so to make up for getting behind. I've put in about an hour and a half on the presentation, and it's getting there; maybe another hour or two of work to go.

Count count count count! I know im not doing well if i start counting my steps when im walking. Why does my head DO that?! Just a comment on metrics!

I'm glad your T called, but...did he actually say that he was wondering about your being interested in guys "with whom you're destined to fail" on the message? Because...that seems just as bad as what he said before. And who deems you as destined to fail with these guys exactly? (well, him apparently...) And ugh to his not wanting to be too reassuring...couldn't he just leave that part out?

Thanks, EM. I agree that he probably wouldn't do something he felt uncomfortable with...but I imagine he also might be concerned that it would either trigger abandonment fears or keep me from getting care he feels I need, or both. And yeah, I worry about the secret resenting.

Had an initial conversation with H about it, and he said he thinks there's a difference between what we can afford and what I feel comfortable spending on therapy. In other words, we could likely afford more than I think, but I feel bad about spending that much. (And again, I am making cuts elsewhere--like I made soup from scratch tonight instead of getting a meal kit. OK, now I'm trying to justify it to you guys...)

I imagine he'll give me actual numbers (he's the main person doing the budget--I have access to it at any time, he's just better at tracking stuff than me, and financial stuff gives me anxiety). So then I can go to T and say what I really can afford. Though I still may see if he's willing to do the in-between rate I was going to suggest for a bit ($140). Or...I just let T say his piece, I say my piece, we figure it out. Rather than me immediately going, "Actually I can afford the previous rate, sorry" as soon as he greets me on Zoom.

It's good that I had that realization though - about the stats requirement perpetuating the existence of my good little girl and stuff. I count my steps when I'm walking too sometimes. Even though I know the app on my phone is already counting them haha.

To his credit, he didn't use that phrase. Listening to it again, he said, "you were expressing a sense of futility and hopelessness, like, 'look what I'm reduced to, dating this person who's so unattractive because I'm so unattractive,' and it felt like it was a really short walk from there to be, like, 'oh, wow, do you feel like you've been sort of pursuing people where you don't feel like you're kind of... at the same level.' It felt like a reasonable next question that was consistent with what you were thinking, which is why I went there, but I totally get why you drew the connection you did, and I'm definitely sorry about that."

I don't know what's so freaking wrong with reassuring me. Do I not deserve it or something?

Of course you deserve it. He just has some hang up about providing it. I'm sorry you're not getting what you need out of therapy right now.

I thought it was brilliant. I just ASSUMED that came across!

I was COUNTING on it, as a matter of fact...

Plus, i dont even count my steps in a good way. I get to a hundred and start over. I get to any random multiple of ten and start over! Its not good!

I agree with this. I understand that T's can feel that reassurance can just lead to a need to more and more reassurance. But I think at some times, it's needed. Even Dr. T seems to have figure that out, and if he can...

I'm glad he didn't actually say that. And it's good that he apologized. Though his reply sounds very...intellectual? Cognitive? Not sure the right word to use. Rather than really thinking of the emotional impact.

I made a comment on the reassurance thing in reply to NP's comment, but just reiterating that he should be able to give you a bit of reassurance... it can be a helpful thing in therapy, or just in human relationships in general.

I continue to always read the most negative thing possible into anything people say. I see myself doing it now, so maybe that's a teeny bit of progress, but I continue to do it. Especially with h. He says something that anyone else would see as completely innocuous but I lace it full of innuendos about my inadequacies. Even if he said "it's starting to rain outside" I would hear "It's starting to rain outside, why didn't you tell me it was getting cloudy?" or something along those lines. I do it with L also. A couple weeks ago she said something about not doing dream work anymore. Apparently I didn't hear the whole thing I stopped listening at that point and decided I would never tell her about another dream again and totally stopped even trying to write them down. Not that I even remembered any that week. The following week she asked if I had any dreams and I was like what are you talking about?! You said no more dream work. She was flabbergasted and said that's not what she meant, she just thought we were getting too intellectual about them and too far away from the feelings part of the work. I did NOT hear that at all. I don't know why we sometimes hear things that aren't said??

example with h this evening actually. he asked me to come listen to a video by this kid he listens to on youtube, graham stephan. i listened to it, and then he asked me what i got out of it, so i told him. then he proceeded to tell me what he got out of it. I of course interpreted that as him telling me i was wrong because i didn't get the same things. when that was not what he meant at all. i hate when i do this.

yeah, i guess the above is why i still (read: will likely forever) need therapy ha

Artie, this sounds like an important insight and something you should definitely bring up in therapy! In terms of your remembering things incorrectly...it could just be that you hang on to certain phrases and remember them without context. Dr. T was recently saying that I tend to do that, not just with him, but with memories of what other people (ex-MC, H, my parents) have said. That I remember a certain statement, but not what was surrounding it. And I think he had a point. So maybe that could be what's going on with you, at least in terms of the L/dream thing?

Oh, i always think i have to fix it, whatever it is. Ive just stopped talking to people. Its too hard! Except for you guys. Pc lets me feel like im still trying.

I somehow ended up in a covid effects study in my university, and my current questionnaire is on dreams during covid. And right now it's asking me how important I think dreams are in my life, can they enrich my life, etc., etc. I keep answering "not at all" or "a little."

I am not the Couchie this survey was intended for.

Dreams as in "I want to be an astronaut someday!" or "I was driving my neon purple alligator up the freeway on my way to the moon with Elton John" dreams?

Last session I shared a rather benign childhood memory with my therapist. He told me it made him feel sad. I asked why. I can't quote his exact response, but he said something about getting to know me and our limited time together. I feel like he actually values me as a human being.

Gosh wondering why i am so tired but looking back today i bathed 2 dogs cleaned the bathroom thoroughly and fertilised all the plants. I deserve to be tired

I found marmite in the supermarket omg. My landlady hates it - the slogan is "love it or hate it" - but I love a tiny bit with sunny side up eggs. Or some used (instead of oyster sauce or chicken stock) in soups, marinates or porridge for umami.

A childhood comfort food was plain Cantonese porridge (called jook, thick, silky and creamy) with a bit of marmite (or bovril) mixed in, instead of light soy sauce. With tender shredded pieces of chicken. Or marmite dissolved into hot water as a drink.

yes! that does sound like what i do. like maybe in my case I remember only the part of a statement that my brain can use against me? huh. interesting, thank you!


interesting because it doesn't happen with everything she or H says, just some stuff. lots of times i remember verbatim what L said, for example, and can quote it back to her. but with some things when i tell her what i heard she'll be like that's not what i said. H too.

Uuugh. I really didn't do a good job prepping for this presentation I have to give today. I suck.

Ugh hi couch... is there free software that can edit pdfs (text, images etc)? Most are free trials requiring a subscription, including Adobe Acrobat.

You don't, though I understand how that's hard to believe

I do this too. My t says it's like my brain takes "snapshots" rather than recordings.