[seeker33]

So I'm forced to take a break from therapy due to sudden and negative changes in my life. Also my T is going on a holiday in December and there'll be those stupid holidays...

My T has asked me a few times whether I sing, play an instrument or at least listen to music. No I don't. I don't really enjoy or need music in my life. I don't even know what genre I like...

However I remembered that when I was a young child I used to like music singing. And when I was 6-10 my father used to teach me some very simple songs on the keyboard. It's been laying untouched since then, which is 20 years. I never learned to read music, all I could do was play maybe 10 simple folk tunes from memory.

Now that I feel my depression coming back due to all the stress and changes... Me and my T were thinking that maybe I should try that old keyboard again.

I can't say I'm excited, as I said I don't really like music in general... But I can try it to prevent the relapse of depression. I can already see red flags in my mood and behaviour suggesting time without T is going to be bad

I'm sorry I don't know why I'm writing this. Just needed to share my struggle.

[Anne2.0]

I started a creative project about five years ago. Went to a few workshops and a couple of blissful week long retreats away from home. I had not considered myself much of an artist, but I have enjoyed the learning. Although I'm now an "expert" in my work field, it has been good to be a beginner. I do like learning and seeing the effects of my growth in tangible ways.

The process of engaging with my project has been healing in ways therapy hasn't. I think it's worth a try, and for me the "play" of creative expression feels like it connects me to a part of myself I once thought was lost.

[SlumberKitty]

I hope you find something to help with the depression, whether or not it is music. I played piano as a child but I can't play as an adult. I mean, I can, just not well, and I know how to read music so it's not that. I'm just bad at it. But sometimes playing some simple Christmas songs does help in the holidays. (((gentle hugs))) Kit.

[LonesomeTonight]

If you're not that enthusiastic about music, maybe there's something else you could learn instead? An art, a craft, a sport, writing, etc.? It just seems like if you're not that into it, it might be less likely to help you because you won't feel as enthusiastic about it.

[seeker33]

Right... I just don't know what else to do. It's more about remembering that 20 years ago music could make me happy. I've just "forgotten" about it.
I'll only try practicing once or twice and see how I feel. If I get anxious or triggered I won't do more. I've got nothing to lose. The unused keyboard is already at home, so it's not going to be a new purchase. Maybe just a trial and error thing. If not I'll try to think of something else...
I want to try those videos on YouTube that show you exactly what you need to press.

[koru_kiwi]

this sounds like it could be a positive venture for you to take on. can you afford to get some lessons from a music instructor?

when i was ready to start learning to play the drums, i bought a kit and started to self teach myself in the begining, but soon the self motivation wore off. i kept finding excuses to do other things that 'needed' doing instead of practicing most likely due to my low self confidence at the time. by chance i found an instructor who would come to my home and provide lessons weekly. for me, it was beneficial because not only was it forcing me to play my drums and learn something new, i was enjoying the time i spent with my instructor. she would bring her guitar and we would turn my lessons into more of a 'jam' session. it was a lot of fun and great for lifting my spirits my confidence. plus i enjoyed our interactions and gained a new friend from it all. although i no longer do lessens (too busy working full time now), i still maintain a close friendship with my ex-instructor and do look forward to our catch ups.

[satsuma]

Some people find music to be really helpful as it's creative and expressive. It can also be quite soothing.

Also, I think any kind of hobby where we get absorbed and into a flow can be soothing for the mind and relaxing.

I think it sounds like a good plan. I might even try something similar, I also used to learn music when I was a child...

[chihirochild]

Heck, give it a go

I've been teaching myself to cross-stitch (even though I am sooooo not a crafty person) and have found it oddly calming. It also gives me something to do when I'm too depressed to get out of bed so I feel less like I'm being totally useless.

[ArtleyWilkins]

Music fuels my soul. It's been at the center of my life all my life and getting more involved in my music a few years back was perhaps the bridge out of unwellness and into stability and contentment. Mostly, I sing (although I do play some instruments). Being committed to several choirs keeps me active and social.

Additionally, I have taken up crocheting. I've pretty much taught myself through watching videos, and have now completed three afghans (about to start a new one). Crocheting requires me to focus on something outside myself; it takes concentration, so it's a great distraction. As an added bonus, I've enjoyed creating things for my family members.

[stopdog]

I think it sounds like a good idea.

[Ididitmyway]

It's a wonderful idea, just like any artistic undertaking.

I paint and draw sometimes or just color adult coloring books, and I can tell you that when I am fully immersed in this I am the happiest..I wish I could dedicate myself to some kind of artistic endeavor completely and lose myself in it..but, unfortunately, there are too many internal barriers a.k.a emotional blocks for me to do that..so I do it occasionally for therapeutic purposes only whenever things become too dark or too stressful..I, actually, at some point, about 20 years ago was going to become a graphic designer and completed an online course for that. I LOVED it and I was, actually, good at it. Then, some tragic event happened that got me thinking about doing something humanitarian..

I firmly believe that the main root of human unhappiness is inability to unlock one's creative potential and to let oneself create in a carefree way like a child who is just playing and doesn't think about how good the result of their play should be..That's why doing anything creative can be very healing if you really allow yourself to do that.

So, yes, go ahead and play any instrument or sing however you want. Go by instructions if you want to. Do it in whatever way you enjoy it because the most important thing is to enjoy that process, not to produce results..If you manage to get into it, you may find that you don't need therapy any more or your need for therapy could be reduced..

[seeker33]

Thank you everyone for support!

Today I'm a little more excited by the idea of learning to play. However my old keyboard doesn't work. I'll need to get an adapter and the universal one doesn't fit. I'll need to order the special one online. I hope I'll find it because the keyboard is 20 years old!

[seeker33]

I've found a charger on German Amazon, should be here in about 10 days.

[seeker33]

So my old keyboard couldn't be repaired. Old batteries leaked in it and the acid destroyed the inside
After two weeks of thinking I purchased a cheap beginner keyboard. I hope I won't regret it. I know it's possible I won't practise. That's why I've ordered one for 89€ so it's not such a great investment... I read reviews and they say the sound is good which is all I really need. Just a simple piano sound, no fancy effects needed. Anyway, I hope I won't end up with another dust catcher.

[mcl6136]

Originally Posted by seeker33

So my old keyboard couldn't be repaired. Old batteries leaked in it and the acid destroyed the inside
After two weeks of thinking I purchased a cheap beginner keyboard. I hope I won't regret it. I know it's possible I won't practise. That's why I've ordered one for 89€ so it's not such a great investment... I read reviews and they say the sound is good which is all I really need. Just a simple piano sound, no fancy effects needed. Anyway, I hope I won't end up with another dust catcher.

I think that setting the bar fairly low at this point is important...you're just going to try this; you didn't break the bank and if you find you don't like it you can still pat yourself on the back for being "game," for creating the momentum to give this a go.

I agree with other posters that the payoff in these kinds of ventures consists in being free to dabble. Be un-serious. Show up and see what happens. So put away that internal judge that wants you to be "good" or "practice regularly." Just make a joyful noise!!
Well done!

[autonoe]

Just wanted to tell you that I am an adult in music classes, and it has been extremely valuable to me when it comes to self-expression. This has always been a problem for me, and music has become a form of release. I hope you will find something helpful in it and make it work for your own needs.

[seeker33]

Update.
I've been playing since Christmas. It's OK. As I expected, for a week or two I played for a long time everyday, now I have to force myself to play 3-4x a week. But I play because I would be angry with myself for buying something and not using it. I do this all the time.
So I try to practice. Usually, once I start time moves quickly and I practice for 45min although my goal is only 30min .
I'm using apps that teach notes and check if I press the right key. There are songs such as ode to joy, Aura Lee, yesterday I began practicing a very short and extremely simplified version of Swan Lake. I have a method book for adults, too.
I can play with my right and left hand, but only separately :-)
I can't say I'm especially motivated, but I will keep learning because I've read it's good for the brain. And I'm an extremely boring person so I should have some hobby that I can mention in small talk. I don't watch movies and don't have any funny stories to tell. So basic playing could make me a little less boring when I'm with others. Not that I actually meet many people anyways lol

[seeker33]

I have a very weird relationship to music. I don't even care about the music I play on the piano. I mainly learn using an app and to me, practise is more like a video game.
I have to press the right keys otherwise the app will make me repeat the piece from the beginning. I don't even really hear what I play . I'm not that interested in the music. It's only about the technique, wether I can learn to press the right notes. But that's OK. It is a good distraction from negative thoughts. And probably good for the brain.
I just don't know why most music in general makes me anxious. I mean the music I listen to on my headphones . I can enjoy it but only in 10% of times I listen to it. In 90% it makes me anxious, depressed or bored. I tried listening to everything from pop, rock, classical, jazz to folk and metal. Some genres I enjoy for a day and next time I listen to it it makes me almost physically sick.

Yesterday I tried listening to classics and I almost got into panic because it felt overwhelming and as if someone was sitting on chest. "Feeling" the music seemed extremely dangerous to me, as if it wasn't safe.
It's like there's something very wrong with my brain.

I'm not hypervigilant in my daily life and I do trust most people. Instead, I'm afraid of aliens and listening to music seems dangerous. I wonder if this has something to do with how early trauma damaged my brain and emotions... I'm so weird, I don't even have normal ptsd symptoms like everyone else.
I don't have any negative memories with music, only that kids at school forced me to dance and kicked me if I stopped. On another occasion, one boy invented a hurtful song about my appearance and half of the class sang with him. It was the only time I cried at school. But I don't think it has anything to do with my current issues with music.
I remember when I was young I absolutely loved singing and dancing. But it disappeared in my teens and never enjoyed music since then. I stopped dancing after the incident at school when I was 7 or 8. I stopped listening to music at about the age of 15 and I don't know why.

It's a little confusing because I know for sure I used to like it in the past. And nowadays it's not like I simply don't like it, that's not the case. It feels more like listening to it opens old wounds or something weird happens in my brain. Something pathological. I tried googling but I didn't find anything that would explain. Does anyone have any idea?

[Anne2.0]

I wonder from the outset about a couple of the ways you phrased things: 1) early trauma damaged my brain and 2) I'm so weird, I don't even have normal ptsd symptoms like everyone else.

I don't think trauma damages the brain, but I do think trauma effects it, changes it, creates neurological pathways like water over stones that can automatically cause us to process information differently and react differently to stimuli that other people find "safe." I have experienced, through therapy and body-based therapies like tai chi and meditation and mindfulness, how I can change these well worn pathways and mostly eliminate my PTSD symptoms. I don't believe anyone is damaged unless there is actually a structural change in the brain. Instead, all the literature seems to suggest the plasticity or changeability of neurological functions. Our brains and our minds were designed to heal.

And I don't think you are weird even if your response to music is statistically unusual in the sense that many people find music a coping skill. What I do think is really interesting is your choice to learn/improve your musical skills on the piano at this moment in time. In my past I've been drawn to doing things that "force" me to confront something in my past and work through it, perhaps it's something tickling at the back of the brain (which, again, wants to resolve trauma and is healing oriented as much as it also tries to protect us). The way I'd describe where you are now is in a place where you are being encouraged from within to move forward on something that may be key to resolving something or an important piece of something.

When you googled, did you try "music and the brain"? I wonder if part of what is going on for you might be that music is evoking emotions that are either themselves uncomfortable (on a subconscious level, not necessarily consciously) or memories and neither of these are well-formulated like flashbacks with any kind of precision. You can have emotional flashbacks without any physical content and you can have memories that are producing sensations that are physical without being able to name or grab ahold of them long enough to make sense of them. Are you able to sit with memories or emotions, in the sense of being able to tap into them and stay with them and see if you can articulate what is going on, or are you fight-or-flighting in response? (that's what being physically sick, which is a remnant of the adrenaline and other physical stuff that happens in the body during f-or-f seems like).

Maybe this is a goofy way to think about it, but it seems to me that somewhere along the line your relationship with music became undone and problematic, and perhaps you are now in a place where you can start to heal that. Maybe it's connected to something traumatic in a specific way, most likely just a more casual way. Maybe you want to rexperience the pleasure of it all.

Have you tried listening to "ambient" music, it's intended to be a background and thus not as emotionally evocative as classical or instrumental? Check out the category on apple music if you have access or "video game music?" On the later, there is mellow music and then there is warrior-type music that makes me kinda nuts. Maybe one or both of these might be less evocative for you.

[seeker33]

Thank you, Anne!
You're absolutely right, I definitely feel like the impulse to listen comes from within. However it's also combined with the fact that my T used to sing professionally and she mentioned music a few times. As I don't have much personality of my own, I tend to copy interests and hobbies of other people in order to fit in. Since I was forced to pause therapy for some unexpected circumstances, I decided to play in order to remind myself of my T...
I also tried listening to music for the same reason...my T asked me about music and I also felt sort of guilty for not listening, because almost everyone listens to something and then I feel weird for not having a favourite song or stuff like that. Also, it reminded me of the fact that I used to like music in very distant past and somehow I forgot about it. And also, since my parents have no hobbies at all, I've always thought music was only for teenagers and adults don't really listen to it. Because you grow out of it when you get older. I've only recently realised that even adult people can listen to music and they have other hobbies, too. You see, I'm 31, have a uni degree but somehow I wasn't aware of this fact until a year ago I just always assumed that any kind of hobbies are only for children. Obviously I knew there were artists artists and musicians, but somehow it never clicked... Just like until about 25 I didn't believe that loving families existed, I always thought they are only in the movies and series and I found it hard to believe that there might really be some families in the world who are happy. (Sorry for off topic)

I read articles about "music and the brain", that's another reason why I decided to give it a try. Because I read it can help with anxiety and depression. I even found "the most relaxing song" that was produced in the lab and is supposed to ease anxiety by 65%. Well... to me it sounds extremely creepy, like from a horror movie when the serial killer is watching his next victim who's home alone.

I don't mind ambient music in the background, because I filter it and I don't even really notice it playing. I don't mind radio either, because I only listen to people talking but as soon as a song starts, I pay absolutely zero attention to it. If you asked me what song is playing at the moment, I would be like what? There's a song? Welll.. and then I would focus and be able to tell you I mean I can physically hear that the radio is playing but it doesn't enter my attention. Then when people start talking, my attention is back and I listen to the news etc. It's only when I sit down to listen to something that I get those symptoms.

However just as you said, I think I should just allow myself to listen to something and "sit with" the negative feelings until they are gone. I think it's connected to the loss of control. That I allow something/someone to impact my emotions. It feels a little like submission, that I allow the music to control me. And that is scary.

[ArtleyWilkins]

I don't understand why you are spending time on music when clearly you aren't interested and it even causes you anxiety.

What would YOU like to learn or do for YOU?

[seeker33]

Originally Posted by ArtleyWilkins

What would YOU like to learn or do for YOU?

Great question. I have absolutely no idea.

[seeker33]

I'll simply keep playing because I believe it's good for the connection of brain hemispheres. Because you have to play with both hands independently. I definitely have a hard time using both hemispheres at once. So I'll take it just as a neurological exercise or playing a game in order to train my brain using an app. It makes me feel good when I get through a level. It makes me feel like "hey, I can learn something!". So yeah... I will never be one of those who play music with feeling, but I might keep using it as a form of brain training. Perhaps it will help to heal my brain a little.

When it comes to passive listening, I can only do that for a short time when I'm in an exceptionally great and unusually relaxed mood. Otherwise it causes me anxiety.
What was bothering me most was what should I say when someone asks me about it so I don't look weird. I will say I like the 80's. It's mostly true, 80's usually don't make me anxious And it's a culturally acceptable answer, too. (hey, I told you I don't have a unique personality! I just try to copy and learn from my environment and people around me lol)

[mrxuneek]

Originally Posted by seeker33

So I'm forced to take a break from therapy due to sudden and negative changes in my life. Also my T is going on a holiday in December and there'll be those stupid holidays...

My T has asked me a few times whether I sing, play an instrument or at least listen to music. No I don't. I don't really enjoy or need music in my life. I don't even know what genre I like...

However I remembered that when I was a young child I used to like music singing. And when I was 6-10 my father used to teach me some very simple songs on the keyboard. It's been laying untouched since then, which is 20 years. I never learned to read music, all I could do was play maybe 10 simple folk tunes from memory.

Now that I feel my depression coming back due to all the stress and changes... Me and my T were thinking that maybe I should try that old keyboard again.

I can't say I'm excited, as I said I don't really like music in general... But I can try it to prevent the relapse of depression. I can already see red flags in my mood and behaviour suggesting time without T is going to be bad

I'm sorry I don't know why I'm writing this. Just needed to share my struggle.

wow I love this thank you for sharing