I told my T what I felt I needed, she dismissed this, then asked me what I needed

I stopped seeing this T a few months ago, sadly as seeing her had been so helpful and I had/have a lot of gains from seeing her. Near the end I told her what I felt I needed to feel safe talking to her, and she wasn’t receptive, wouldn’t agree. At another session I was talking about how I wasn’t feel safe and she asked me what I needed. It had been hard to say it the first time round and to have her rejection, so I didn’t repeat it. I think she didn’t retain things from session to session, her memory was bad. She said something along the lines of: ‘I can’t help you if you don’t tell me’. That really did my head in.

Eugh why do they do that. I have experienced similar. I wish they could understand which bits of us were constant, permanent feelings or needs....and which bits aren't. I hate being asked what I need, then ignored. Or made to feel like I want to much, or that I am too much of a risk, or I'm not conscious enough or awake enough to know what I need etc. So tell me what I need then! But they won't. Sometimes I think therapists reset before their appointments, like each time is like they are meeting a stranger. Just to see what happens. I grow much faster when I feel loved and known.

That does sound annoying, not helpful for you either - if it was just her not remembering what you said you needed to feel safe (then taking your comments on board and accommodating you) I’d say try not to take it personally (e.g. my T keeps forgetting whether I like children or not, and I just remind her when she has to refresh her memory - that’s not a “safety” thing for me, just an example of how my T has trouble remembering, but I’m fine with that anyway) but I don’t understand why she would put up obstacles then blame you.

I used to feel that I could accept her poor memory and that it was the content of each individual session that mattered, but in hindsight I think I needed more continuity. There were insights I told her about how I saw things my dad had done impacting how the way she spoke to me affected me, but I don’t think she ever retained this, so she kept doing the same thing. Or maybe she didn’t think it was significant. Maybe I should have just sat with the feelings that came up each time.

thanks for sharing this story it helps me