back?

So I go back to T today.

I just have no interest in going. Not a shred of desire to see him.
In fact, I think he's a jerk right now.

I'm thinking that although we healed this rupture, it has left a scar.
I don't think I trust him anymore. Can I continue to get what I need out of this relationship?

My mood right now is one that leads to problems. I am like a wounded animal. It will take a long time for me to warm up to T today. By the end of the session, I will begin to trust again. Then he will say it is time to stop and I will be sad because I didn't have the chance to say anything I needed to.

Then I will cry because I am hurt. This sounds rally messed up to me. It doesn't sound healthy. What is the *******ed point of this. I'd rather lay on the couch and watch a movie. Maybe a comedy for a change. I live too much drama.

Sister, You say you will be sad because you didn't get the chance to say what you needed to say, why not go straight in and say I need to say some things, and then say them? Practise on the way over?

Sister, You say you will be sad because you didn't get the chance to say what you needed to say, why not go straight in and say I need to say some things, and then say them? Practise on the way over?

Sister, You say you will be sad because you didn't get the chance to say what you needed to say, why not go straight in and say I need to say some things, and then say them? Practise on the way over?

okk so I appear to have repeated myself

Sister it turns out that the fax I sent my T last week really helped to repair our relationship.

This time he acknowledged that he received it and wanted to know what I wanted him to get out of it. I said I just wanted him to know how I feel about how last week went.

It opened a very beautiful discussion. I was so touched by him last night and we talked through everything and I felt at peace when I left.

Why not try this with your T? I came from a very vulnerable position in the fax and poured my heart out. I have a hard time doing this in person but now it should be easier...

I'm sorry your hurting

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almeda24fan said:
.... we talked through everything and I felt at peace when I left.

Why not try this with your T? I came from a very vulnerable position in the fax and poured my heart out. I have a hard time doing this in person but now it should be easier..

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Ahh.. if only we could just heed this simple advice. If I would just quite f'ing around, swallow my pride, and speak what's in my head regardless of if it make actual sense or not thing would be going so much better.

Yeah try it and you may be surprised!

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sister said:

It will take a long time for me to warm up to T today. By the end of the session, I will begin to trust again. Then he will say it is time to stop and I will be sad because I didn't have the chance to say anything I needed to.

Then I will cry because I am hurt.



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This describes a majority of my session with my T. Its like by the end i'm just getting warmed up. If only we could have 2 or 3 hours at a time, so much more would be accomplished.

scars add character.

you aren't projecting today's session.. are ya?

I truly hope it's a wonderfully good session.

You don't even want my input, trust me. lol, you already know what it is. I guess just go, sit in the %#@&#!, and give him a thrill. If you don't feel like talking, you don't have to. Don't even listen to me. I shouldn't even be replying to this post or anyone's post; I am of no help right now.

I'm sorry that you're so upset with your T. It would be easier for me to help you if I knew what it is you are so upset about???? What happened?
Whenever I approached my T with something I was bugged about with them, they always asked me " what do you NEED from me right now?" I use to hate that one!!!

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pinksoil said:
I guess just go, sit in the %#@&#!, and give him a thrill.

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I liked this comment. Some days you just need to drag yourself there and see what happens.

(((((Sister)))))))
My T just pointed out to me Tuesday how our relationship gets idealzied and then devalued. He said it is rarely on an even keel. I hate it. It must be his fault, LOL. Why can't he just do and say what I want him to and then things would be fine? Don't you think that when T's find this out that life will be much better, LOL?

Take care. Enjoy the roller coaster ride. It seems we're all on one now. When does this park close?

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My T just pointed out to me Tuesday how our relationship gets idealzied and then devalued.

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me too

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I hate it.

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me too. and it's so friggin exhausting going through this ovver and over and over

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It must be his fault, LOL.

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OMG this is priceless!!

I don't even remember making this post this morning so that gives you an idea of where my head is at.

I went. It sucked. He sucks. I hate him. I told him I hated him. I wish I could slap his face and make him cry. Yeah I would like to see him cry because I hurt him somehow. Then maybe he would begin to know a shred of how I feel.

Thank you all for your responses. ( PS I have sent him letters on several occasions and I have given him poetry I have written. I have poured my heart out. He still is an %#@&amp;#!.)

So, the scars of therapy, the physical scars? the psychological scars? OMG
I am so %#@&amp;#! toxic and filled with poison. This planet is not big enough for me.

((((((((sister)))))))))

(((((((((( sister ))))))))))

Hey. I'm sorry... But I can't remember what the rupture was...
Sounds like it is still really fresh, and that it will take some time to heal, yeah.
Of course... While it is partly a response to the present (present hurt) it hurts so much because it is tapping into a response to the past (past hurt). The intensity of the hurt... Will be coming from the past...

Connection and disconnection and connection and disconnection over and over again...

It is meant to get better with time. Every time there is a disconnection and a repair it is meant to be a little easier the time after that. Gently does it.

I'm sorry you are hurting. Take extra special gentle care of yourself.

{{{{sister}}}} Sometimes I want to say something comforting and everthing I think of seems trite & silly. I have so much empathy for therapist connected pain cause I have suffered so much of it too. We're here and listening.

tulips

But what if the repair doesn't happen?

What if it's rupture and rupture?

What if that happens and the other person saw your wounds and your raw heart? And you need to close the wounds. And what if you can't function?

Well... That was kinda what happened to me as a kid, I guess. Rupture. Inadequate repair. Thats how come I'm damaged :-(

It is possible that there won't be a repair, yeah.

But... It is more probable that there will be this cycle, yeah. And that seeing it happen over and over will help it not be so painful when there is rupture. 'Cause you will start to trust that the repair will happen (and carry an internal representation around within you) and.. Get better at self soothing.

In the meantime... Grieve if that is what you need to do. And try and nurture yourself. Like how you would nurture a small kid who needs their mother...

I understand feeling as if the rupture cannot be repaired can you ask him about this?