[seeker33]

Hi guys, so my T is kinda pushing me into affirmations. She's been trying to push me into saying them for a few months.

But I don't believe they will work. My issue is that I have a minor genetic deformation on my eyes, they look similar to Asian but I'm not Asian. I can see well to read and write, but I have issues with sight in the distance. That's why I don't drive for example. I'm also short and overweight. Due to previous trauma (classmates kicking me until I danced and generally various bullying during PE classes and elsewhere, my entire body feels stiff and I've been told I move like a bear or dance like a piece of wood. I've been told this by various people, various ages, different places.

So as you can imagine my self esteem is pretty low. My therapist wants me to say affirmations to myself. But I find it very stupid when a few weeks in the future, there's going to be someone else who will call me names. Just last Sunday I was on my usual walk when a group of teenagers shouted at me that I'm blind.

But it doesn't happen only with children and teens. I've been called disabled and not very pretty by numerous adults, often older than me.

This has been going on since I was born and I have no reason to believe it's going to stop.

The problem isn't in my head, like body dysmorphia. The issue is being hurt by other people... Externally.

I don't know how saying affirmations could help me feel better it sounds extremely stupid and unrealistic.

I'm working on my weight and exercise, I've lost weight and working with a dietitian so that's helpful. But concerning my entire appearance and self esteem, my therapist isn't really helpful and basically all she pushes is affirmations. Only last Friday she suggested I do more self care for self esteem but before that (a few weeks ago) she said that if people don't practice self care (makeup, shopping new clothes) then most other people won't like them. She made it sound like if I won't start wearing makeup I can't expect anyone to like me. It really crushed me.

Like... I know it's true but it hurt me even more than before when she confirmed my worst insecurities. She didn't say anything new to me, but it coming out of her mouth sounded so cruel.

I think if I start repeating affirmations which I don't believe it's only going to make me feel much more miserable. Besides, I don't see the point - if something is true, why keep repeating it like a parrot? If something isn't true then repeating it is a lie.

[Quietmind 2]

You are right that affirmations don't work unless they're believable. And your T shouldn't be pushing you on them. I find most affirmations difficult to believe and opted to write my own which I could believe in, eg "I am working to heal and grow" instead of "I am worthy".

Here's something explaining why they don't work with low self-esteem, and what could be more helpful.

Why Positive Affirmations Don'''t Work

[seeker33]

Thank you, an interesting article. I'm just not sure how it can be applied to my situation.

[corbie]

Originally Posted by seeker33

I think if I start repeating affirmations which I don't believe it's only going to make me feel much more miserable. Besides, I don't see the point - if something is true, why keep repeating it like a parrot? If something isn't true then repeating it is a lie.

I'm not keen on affirmations either. I want to believe things because I'm convinced they're true, not because I brainwashed myself into believing them. Also. by trying to bulldose over that tiny scared voice that says 'but it's not true', I just re-affirm that it is wrong, that I'm wrong and I just trigger a cascading loop of feeling horrible for feeling horrible.

However, precisely because being told something a great number of times might make one believe it even when it's not true, if you're told a lot of horrible things by bullies then you're bound to end up with false negative beliefs about yourself. So I think identifying and challenging those would be a good idea.

For me, there are a few things that I'm reasonably certain about rationally but still feel otherwise. Like, a childhood trauma not being my own fault even though by adult standards I was being stupid, because back then I wasn't in fact supposed to know better, because children can't reasonably be expected to know better. But I still blame myself to an extent, although less than I used to, and even getting to that less took a lot of work (none of it was parroting affirmations, though).

I'm working on my weight and exercise, I've lost weight and working with a dietitian so that's helpful. But concerning my entire appearance and self esteem, my therapist isn't really helpful and basically all she pushes is affirmations. Only last Friday she suggested I do more self care for self esteem but before that (a few weeks ago) she said that if people don't practice self care (makeup, shopping new clothes) then most other people won't like them. She made it sound like if I won't start wearing makeup I can't expect anyone to like me. It really crushed me.

Like... I know it's true but it hurt me even more than before when she confirmed my worst insecurities. She didn't say anything new to me, but it coming out of her mouth sounded so cruel.

Ouch, that sounds pretty horrible, and something to talk about with her. Is there a chance she didn't mean it that way? I mean, even if she did, there certainly are people who will like others without makeup

The problem isn't in my head, like body dysmorphia. The issue is being hurt by other people... Externally.

Well yes, your eyes looking Asian or not, your height to weight ratio being in the ideal range or not are measurable facts. Prejudice against looking Asian or being overweight or just sticking out too much in general are also sad facts of life. But there's nothing objectively wrong with looking Asian or being overweight, or being impaired or even disabled, as far as I can tell, whereas there's a lot wrong with acting out of prejudice or bullying. If anyone implies you're somehow inferior for looking or moving like the way you do, the problem is with them, and if you find yourself believing them (which it sounds like you do?), then that belief would be a good one to challenge, because it seems obvious enough at least on a cognitive level that it isn't true.

[unaluna]

Taunting somebody because they are or appear to be blind is probably a hate crime, for one thing. How pathetic do you have to be to be a member of a group that does that to make themselves feel better?

Who i see in the mirror doesnt feel like me. But the more i do that affirms myself, the more i start to see the real me.

[Rive.]

Why not?

These are just various strategies to try and do things differently and potentially change a pattern that is no longer working for us.

I always give things (within reason) a chance, even if I may initially be doubtful. Then I can conclude for sure whether this or that works. I don't tend to reject anything outright.

[Favorite Jeans]

I’m sorry. That sounds really painful. I don’t think there’s one thing that works for everyone. The problem with affirmations is not just that they can feel silly but that they can straight up serve as fodder for your inner critic.

I have slooooowly been working through some stuff around self-compassion (you can check out the book by that title by Kristen Neff and there’s a lot of mindfulness stuff around it too) that might be helpful. Also Sonya Renee Taylor’s work on Radical Self Love might resonate with you.

Finally, is it possible that she was saying that you are worthy of self-care and that when you project that worthiness, it elicits a reaction in others? This can sound a bit like saying people won’t like you without makeup but it’s not the same. It’s saying that how you carry yourself and how you treat yourself sets an example for others. It also sets the bar for what kind of treatment you will accept from others.

It’s very deep work but it can start with a haircut and a commitment to make eye contact.

[LonesomeTonight]

Wow, I'd be really bothered by the comment regarding makeup and new clothes. If people won't like you because of that, then they're pretty shallow. And I'm sorry for all the teasing and bullying--that's awful. It sounds like your T doesn't really get it. Would you consider possibly trying a different T?

I'm also someone who doesn't really buy into the positive affirmation thing. I know it works for some people, it's just not something that would work for me. It's sort of like trying to keep a gratitude journal. It's something my T has suggested a couple times because it's been shown to help people. And I've tried it briefly a couple times, but then I end up feeling guilty because if I have these things to be grateful for, then I shouldn't be feeling so bad.

Out of curiosity, you mention your body feeling stiff--have you tried something like physical therapy for that? You could have, for example, high muscle tone/hypertonia, that can cause muscles to be stiff and tight (my daughter had the opposite, low muscle tone, and got some OT/PT for it).

[ArtleyWilkins]

Trying to affirm what I was most self-conscious about never really worked for me. However, realizing and affirming my personal attributes that I felt good about did because it helped me to realize my positive qualities (often internal ones not visible to the naked eye) far outweigh the qualities that I have less confidence about for whatever reason. That ability to affirm my positive qualities has provided me a bit of armour against the idiots of the world that I certainly needed.

So, can you affirm what you DO know are your strengths? Your intelligence, your capacity for empathy, your talents, etc. What goes on your positive list?

[*Beth*]

I hated the thought of affirmations, but my T kept urging me to try them. After 2 years I finally did and guess what? They help! I developed a stronger sense of belief in myself by using affirmations. What I discovered is that I don't have to believe in the affirmation, I just write it down and repeat it several times per day. Lo and behold, the positivity of it begins to sink into my unconscious mind and I feel less vulnerable.

I suggest that you give an affirmation/s a good try for a while, at least. You might be surprised.

[seeker33]

Thank you everyone. I'm sorry for not responding to everyone individually. I've read you all and I appreciate your kind and supportive words. I just wasn't feeling well. But please do know that all your replies have been read and appreciated.

[metamorphosis12]

Sorry I did not read the whole thread. So, if you want to point out something. Than do, as you will.

So, I see it as something you think does not work. I think waking up and just making a gratitude list of 5 or so people , animals/pets/life/ etc That you can think about, when you first awake or go to bed is helpful, imho

Really, a gratitude list that can go on as long as you feel it at the time.

I hope at least to help

[RoxanneToto]

I don’t do affirmations or pithy, positive statements either (though my sticker collection might have you believe otherwise lol). I agree it’s possible that your therapist meant how you appear to others/carry yourself influences how others see you, so your self esteem level does show, whether you are aware of that or not.
But I can equally believe she might have said you need to wear makeup/new clothes etc because (misguided) people have said that to me in the past. I think the suggestion to challenge negative beliefs you hold about yourself is much more helpful - when you feel better about yourself everything else should follow naturally.