Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

Today's session was actually pretty good, but I'll let you know about arranging another session. The small price increase still does adds up.

I also emailed the charity saying i don't want a second support session.

With Louise I'm also thinking of cancelling/ rescheduling to the following week.

PHEW. Thank you so much for texting to let me know everything is okay, and then calling me after work to talk to me a bit before your vacation. I really appreciate it, and I hope you have a fun week

Thanks for today. That was pretty incredible, wasn't it? I will do some more work with the nightmare now that I opened the way for it with the sand tray. I wish I could have stayed longer and just kept working that stuff with you. But, I will keep working it at home, no doubt about that. That nightmare really got its hooks in me, you know? It's not letting me go, is working me as much as I am working it.


p.s. I really wanted to hug you before I left. I wonder if you could tell.

p.p.s. thanks for texting after. i enjoyed that little exchange.

Hi R,

Difficult night last night - you're going to get a pretty Vulnerable email on Tuesday.
That's if I don't delete it first. I think it's part of an ongoing conversation, though.

Reconfiguring my tiny support system takes its toll.

I suppose we'll have to talk about it, but I've warned you that it won't be an easy conversation.

Hi again. I had another vivid dream last night, will spend some time working with it today. I'm going to go bake that loaf of bread I mentioned yesterday now, maybe i'll send you a pic when it's done.


Thank you for pushing me, and for knowing just when to do so.

I don’t know if I just have a “type” but I kind of feel like I’m trying to turn my new T into my old one. Despite not even meeting with her yet. Which could just be a disaster. I mean they do sort of look the same and are the same age…

I just hope that last unprofessional one doesn’t try to intervene. I’m not sure she can if I don’t give her permission to talk to her. But she may try. I really regret letting my last T’s talk to each other. It kinda screwed me over a bit in the end.

Dear T,
You'll have your work cut out for you next week...I'm doing my best to resist reading more in the journals. Though I'm pretty sure these two poems are what I showed the teacher. Part of me wants to share them with you. Just to give a sense of my mindset at the time. Or maybe read a journal entry or two? But maybe you'd question the therapeutic value of that? But I think some part of me feels that some of my writing from that time will help sort of unlock some stuff we need to explore. Like fill in some missing pieces.


Also...I had completely blocked out that I'd started listening to Queen because he liked them. It colors things a bit differently for me. I suppose I just thought it was a random thing that I'd gotten into them at that time?

Wish I could talk to you tomorrow, but this isn't an urgent thing, so I wouldn't ask or even send an email. I'll be OK and will just talk to you Monday. Really glad it's not this week that you'll be away though!

Love,
LT

The date of our session is getting closer. Just over one week to go. I'm trying not to worry about it. Just to let the thoughts come and then go. That's going quite well which is fantastic.

I've come a long long way, because I do believe it will be ok. That doesn't mean I am not worried, or nervous, but they are just little feelings, not massive ones anymore.

Whether I bring my teddy and have you read to me and we do some of the dreamcatchers, or whether I give you the letter to read and start to think about the writing I was hoping to show you in the near future, I believe that we will find a way.

See you soon. Please keep safe until then, and let's hope nothing else happens to potentially derail things again.

Love you, and miss you xx

I’m wondering what to wear tomorrow. I’m thinking of wearing my camouflage pants from H&M and a plain black Fruit Of The Loom shirt. As for shoes I’m not sure. But probably just my black and white Vans if I can find them easily.

Is it weird that I’m thinking of what to wear to our first session? I did it with my last 2 therapists. I can even remember what I wore.

You really are the best. Talk to you next week.

That was really nice of you.

It was so nice of you to blow me a kiss... I'm touched

Let's see what this new one is like. She's not you ... which is both a relief and a sorrow.

Dear T,
I almost emailed you about this, but will just share on Wednesday. I do appreciate the irony of your telling me in session how you want to make it clear that I don't have to meet any needs of yours beyond payment. Because it seems that I tend to feel I need to meet people's needs (even if they're somewhat inappropriate, like with the teacher) for them to not abandon me. Then when the session froze at the end, and I realized you were saying something as I was logging off, I felt the need to text you to let you know I hadn't intentionally hung up on you. So...trying to meet your needs there, in a way.... Also, this was before you made that comment, but my whole preface about how I don't think of you as an "older man" now, at least in the sense of what I was talking about from when I was 18.

Love,
LT

You remind me of the T I couldn’t get out of my head for 4 months straight. Today I’m hardly thinking of her. Maybe you have replaced her and I can finally come to peace with things with her?

I’m glad we’re meeting every other week. Therapy every week seemed to have screwed me over in the past.

The BIG DAY! Finally! Hopefully, teletherapy is now a thing of the past. I'm looking forward to being in your office. It's been 14 months.

I don't like the change in the schedule and it is bringing up thoughts of quitting. I'm sure I'll get used to it. I don't like it. I want to leave at what would now be 15 min early ... because part of me feels like that's your desired outcome for the change. I don't understand the change otherwise ... other than it's your world. Maybe I will. Mad.

The space between pressing send (or scheduling an email to send) and waiting for your reply is a very difficult space to be in.

I am demisexual which means I am only attracted to people I form a deep emotional bond with. Before my transition I really was asexual.

I told you yesterday after going through that whole story about how my Jr. High spread a rumor that I was gay, that I am asexual. I told you that so I wouldn’t freak you out. My last T thought I was asexual until I finally told her. But I don’t think I feel comfortable telling you. But I’m not asexual.

Honestly no one knows my sexuality even my mom doesn’t I don’t think.

I didn’t mean to alarm you today, what was I thinking?! Oh, yeah, I wasn’t, cos I’m an idiot lol. I just wanted to keep you up to date on things.
Been thinking about what you said yesterday, too, and I think maybe it’s a misunderstanding on your part - a pretty out there/‘bat poop’ one, if I can be honest. I don’t think it matches up with reality, but I can see why people could draw that conclusion and I can’t totally dismiss it. I just hope D proves you wrong when we talk to her.

Dear Backup T,
I hope you reply at some point in the next day or two. I'd really just like to have an appointment on the books for when Dr. T is away. I know it's not for nearly 2 weeks, but no idea how booked you are. I also have this probably silly fear that you won't be willing to meet with me because I emailed you about that thing with Dr. T regarding the standing up thing around 2 years ago (feels like much longer ago due to the pandemic). But I wouldn't do that now. And I really just wanted you to give me a reality check at the time, not take my side against Dr. T or something.
--LT

Dear T,
Oh, I think you're gonna appreciate the baseball vs. (American) football vs. life analogy I just came up with... Especially in the sense that it could help me with perspective on things.

Love,
LT

Thanks for your email,

I can't help but feel that you know damn well what 'what used to be' means to me. Of course, since I sent that message, everything seems to have intensified, and now my first in person session with the younger students will be my last for this term.

I couldn't tell you that, because the email was already a long one.

We're going to end up having a conversation that I don't want to have.

Oh, you blocked me again. I guess you didn't know it was me anyway. I wish you would let me know you.

Can we please work on the things that are really hurting me instead of talking about my cats or how often I brush my teeth? Please. I feel so chaotic inside even when I'm not in a bipolar episode. Every time I go to the hospital they say "Severe fear of abandonment... needs intensive therapy once you get out," or "Need to process trauma... need to work on this in therapy," or "Trouble maintaining relationships? Outpatient therapy." The list goes on. These things and more are why my quality of life sucks. I keep waking up screaming, I feel so alone, I feel things so intensely even the positive emotions hurts and I don't think you get that. And I have brought up a lot of these things with you, but you keep brushing them off to ask about the weather or some stupid ****. I get I have untreated ADHD and it's hard for us to stay on topic, but you're a therapist; you should be able to handle that task.