Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

Now that I know you 2 aren’t going to respond to me anymore and are just done with me, I can think of other options. I know I set up an appointment with a new T but my mom is insisting I find someone in my insurance network. So I found a few I think “may” work out. But once again I’m without a therapist for who knows how long this time. My new insurance doesn’t start for another week and then I have to call around to see who’s willing to work with an anxious autistic trans man who can sometimes be a complete ***** and also very whiny at times.

You know my reply to that, right? Actions speak louder than words.

So, ask yourself: what are your 'actions' screaming out?

Dear T,

I am making you a model. I made one for me and I thought maybe you would like one too. At least, I plan on giving to you I think... Maybe. I'm certainly making it with you in mind, though too be honest you are on my mind nearly every second of the day right now and I don't know if I can make that stop. I don't think I can.

It must be trying to tell me something, I just have absolutely no idea what yet! It wasn't like this during lockdown. Nothing like this. I'm confused!

It's not like I am actively thinking about you, just that my thoughts always go there. We can't control our thoughts, can we. I'm still trying the whole mindfulness stuff, with varying degrees of success. The model making is definitely helping with staying grounded in the here and now.

I'm also doing a bit better at the whole self care thing. I have been going to the gym this week and treating myself to a sauna afterwards too.

It's been nearly two weeks since I saw old T, and I see her again in 3 days. Then the following week I'm away, and then the week after is when you should be coming back, maybe.

I'm scared, to be honest. Scared of you coming back, and scared of you not coming back.

I think I'd like to make dreamcatchers if/when we do have another session. Little One would like to say hi.

I miss you, I love you,

Me x

Ps, I'm still writing my book!!

Hi R,

For the course I'm doing, we've been working with a poem by Mary Oliver, called 'The Summer Day'. Funnily enough, I keep tripping over the line 'Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon?'

Perhaps therapy is the place to discuss mortality, but I wish I wasn't spending so much time talking about grief.

Although it is true - 'the nature of grief is no more than small circles'.


Crawling towards Thursday recommences.

I am fed up of lurching from one perfectly preventable crisis scenario to another. I need things to run smoothly, so that I can actually stand a chance of remaining standing when the next wave hits.

The idea of therapy is tough today. I really miss my old T, the one Pdoc tried contacting that I had the transference with. I’m scared to even try to watch TV because I know if I binge watch Hulu all day it will distract me until I turn off the TV and then I’ll just get hit with a strong wave of emotions that may set off other things.

But why isn’t it getting easier? It’s been 4 months since I last saw her. I know my Pdoc probably made things worse because things were going fine until he brought her up in my session with him last week. but seriously why can’t I get over this.

Dear T,
I get what you were trying to do, but still, that all really hurt. Maybe I shouldn't have emailed you about it, but I'd at least like it if you could agree to the one request in there, to not bring up that topic unless I do. As it feels like a slap in the face when you bring it up. Wednesday felt so connected and validating, and this just felt like the opposite. And, uh, to use that...THING as an example of success??? Please don't ever do that again, even though I got your point.

Love,
LT

Hahaha hahaha etc. You are the worst. I have done my favourite thing to do when I am £ucked off with you: emailed new therapists! One looks like a swivel eyed loon so she is probably a friend of yours. The other is a man. My intention with him would be to pay him in order to insult him. Think Valerie Solanas and lowly abject turds. Seems more productive than wading through the diarrhea which we spurt out week after week after wretched week.

Dear T,

Distracting myself with a live stream of a singer I like tonight...but still feeling pretty awful. So, I'm trying? Sort of worried about how you'll reply tomorrow.
Love,
LT

I did get a call back from the Charity today, and I did feel like it did help. She was super nice, but I didn't feel like I needed the full hour so asked to end early.

hi t

i guess youre booked up next week and since i started my new job i have very limited times im available to have a session. i realize ive ghosted you quite a bit since covid started. talking on the phone for 1.5 years as it stands is difficult because i literally have not seen you in person in 1.5 years.. sorry but that seems crazy to me. maybe not to you? i get the sense you dont really want to go back to how it was before inregards to your job as a therapist. like maybe you like the telehealth stuff because it does off some sort of disconnect. i know u get worked up over your clients and you struggle to separate that from your own self. i say that cuz ive known you for almost 11 years now. i mean cmon. 11 years! thats insane in itself. idk what im saying here but if i could talk with you right now id say im doing well, things are stable, and while i miss talking with u im doing fine. and also apologize for all the times i never answered your call cuz i know you are pretty frustrated with that. especially since you dont get paid at all to deal with me. so im gonna work on that. cuz thats disrespectful of me.

I feel our therapeutic relationship is drawing to a close, but the session today really helped me add a few more things up. I appreciate you being transparent about the reparenting, which I kind of thought was what you were doing. Maybe if you’d really been my mother I wouldn’t have needed a therapist
Right now I’m just really tired of the whole situation. The only good thing is my dad isn’t here and likely won’t come home, but I still need to leave myself to heal properly. I’m working on it and not giving up, but it’s difficult. Seems I can only afford properties I’m not allowed to live in

Things have been ok today regarding therapy. But it can and will change day by day if not hour by hour.

I kind of feel like everyday is the same now since I don’t have therapy right now so there’s not that weekly support that happens which makes weekends tough.

Edit: I just got my new insurance card in the mail so I can start calling on Monday about therapists. I hope I find a good one and that the rest of this weekend goes decently.

I really want to send you this thing online because I know you'll think it's funny, but I'm not going to because we don't generally have any contact outside of session. So I'm saving it for session, but it'll be less funny then, and then we'll talk about how I wanted to send it and didn't, and it'll be a whole depressing thing instead of just something fun.

I’m back from holiday. You don’t even know I’ve been away. I didn’t take any meds to help me sleep the whole week…that’s the first time in years I’ve managed that when I’ve been staying somewhere away from home. I wish I could tell you. I ate properly as well, joined in with my family. I know you’ll be on your break in a couple of weeks, I wonder where you’re going, if you’re going away. I’m sorry I haven’t replied to your email. I think you’ll know it’s because I can’t….just can’t. I hope things become clearer soon. So much pain. Miss you.

We're definitely going to need to spend next session talking about Steve.
This experience is troubling in totally different ways than any other loss I have ever experienced - and as you know, I am very familiar with grief.

It's up to me to trust you to hold the space for now...until we can be in the same room again. Hopefully soon.

I actually think I actually hate you.

For now, at least.

If I admit that I've been floundering 'a bit', what I mean is 'a lot', but I think you know me well enough by now to know that.

Dear Old T,

Today I am not sure why I am seeing you... What I am expecting to get out of it. Session is tomorrow though.

I had drafted some writing, but today I realised I don't want to show you. I guess it would take many sessions to 'catch up', it that's what we were doing. Is that what we are doing though? I'm not sure what we are doing!!

I needed to see you to help me believe I wasn't going mad over this whole thing with my current T. You did help with that. Maybe I still need help with that. I still don't know whats going on with her. I am kind of assuming she will start working again... I have a little faith in that still, but who really knows.

I guess I could use to practice opening up about the abuse to. I mean I want you start doing that with other people, but I can't see a way to yet. Maybe this could be a way to start?

I realised this week that I have no idea how much of my past you know about. That frightens me a little. Maybe we start there? That's where my writings have started, but I get scared I think, and then my thoughts turn to hiding it all away again.

See you soon I guess, and maybe a path will become clear when we sit down!

Me

I didn’t really dwell on old T today. I had brief periods of thinking of her. But it seemed that there was other unrelated stuff going on at the time that led up to me thinking of her. That other one ticked me off a bit when I thought of her today. She never seemed to validate my emotions. You can have post op depression and still be happy with the results. She didn’t seem to understand that though.

46 days since the session I left. Not that I’m counting….

Dear T,
Please be supportive and understanding today. Don't be like Friday. OK? And no lectures on why you need to push me. Because I know.

Love,
LT

Thank you for understanding why I sent the poem.

I've wanted to share it for years, but now it feels even more relevant.
I hadn't noticed the image on the page I chose to share - but that's interesting in itself.
It's a straight rock face, where there don't appear to be any footholds to me.
(Not that I would know where to begin finding footholds - I am certainly not a climber.)

It would be good if I could set Everything Else aside, just for today.

Going back to in person work with students has to be my focus.

Speak to you on Thursday.

Dear T,

I wish I knew if you were planning on returning to work. I am assuming that you are, but I see now that your website has been removed and that you are no longer on the find a therapist sites. I don't know how long it's been like that for though, could be recent, could be a few months ago as it has been a while since I've googled you to see your face.

If only I could reach out, but I am still respecting your space. Or am I putting your needs above mine? Whichever it is, maybe both, I am sitting here struggling. Hoping you are ok, hoping you will come back.

Take care,

Love me x